intellectual properties

january fitness report

i did it. even with being sick all last week and not going to the gym even once, i still beat december.

i lifted fewer pounds than in december but scored more points because cardio gets more points than weight lifted (1 Point for every 100lbs lifted vs. 5 points for each cardio minute), so if it’s raining and i’m not riding my bike, that’s 60 minutes a day in cardio i probably won’t get, because when i go to the gym i’d rather lift weights than run on a treadmill.

now that i’m feeling 99% better with my back problem i feel like i can be much more active, and now that it’s getting lighter out every day, as soon as this rain goes away i look forward to really getting in shape for spring. yay!

the results are in

in the ongoing saga of my body pain (10 weeks in):

first, as reported, since i modified my desk at work to be a standing desk, my daily pain level has all but disappeared unless i do something bad to aggravate it. this is GREAT, but the condition is still there, and can be aggravated.

the results of my MRI last friday are as such:

there is, still, as of last friday, 9+ weeks after the pain started, a continuing deep muscle spasm going on in my upper back that has been unresponsive to heat, massage, and muscle relaxers. the muscle spasm is also constricting all the other muscles around it and is likely what’s causing most of the pain.

also, two of the discs in my upper spine/neck are “bulging”, one of which is impeding the movement of my spinal cord, but probably not causing much of the pain/discomfort as i don’t have too many nerve-related symptoms, but the bulging discs could be what’s causing the muscle spasm, but maybe not. inconclusive.

at this point, there is nothing more really to do other than what i am already doing to try to relieve the muscle spasm and ease the pressure on my discs as well as strengthen the muscles around my spine. modifying my life to do these things and also avoid aggravating this problem hasn’t been difficult, but i’m not sure what it means for the long haul (i can’t stand and work for the rest of my life, i’m pretty sure). unfortunately the fact is that as you age, problems like this only get worse, but i’m trying not to think too much about that right now. i’m just relieved there is SOME explanation, and knowing that there was nothing worse going on and that i’m doing all the right things is a huge relief. sigh.

“2010″ still seems unreal to me.

on tuesday i had my work desk retrofitted so that now i am standing while i work.  it’s not a fancy adjustable desk, and i haven’t bought a taller chair yet, so i am standing the entire time i’m working. yes, my legs and back get tired, but this causes me to move around, stretch, take breaks. which is what i need.  and voila!  yesterday was the first day in 8 WEEKS i woke up without any noticeable neck or upper back/shoulder pain. yay!  of course, my MRI was scheduled for today.  isn’t that how it always goes?  i’m going in for the MRI this afternoon anyway, as this is a recurring problem and still might well be one that i am just avoiding. and, it was sort of a pain in the ass to get approved, i might as well.  perhaps puts another blemish on my medical record, but at this point i don’t really care about that. i’m optimistically hoping that someday “pre-existing conditions” aren’t the bane of healthcare they are today. anyway, will report on the results as soon as i get them.

in other news, i rode my bike to work every day this week again, which was nice. riding the bus makes me feel so trapped by timing and schedules and routes and is just kind of a pain compared to the freedom of biking.  last weekend i went and got a rear basket so i don’t ride with my backpack on, and despite continuous rain warnings from the not-so-accurate “accuweather” forecasters, it hasn’t rained yet this week.  next week?  let’s hope.  3 drought years in a row ain’t good.

oh, what else. let’s see. no, i haven’t seen Avatar yet as the 3D IMAX version is continually SOLD OUT in SF.  i’m not too expectant wrt the ‘amazing inspiring worldview-shifting’ some have reported, as from what i’ve seen heard, it’s just a retrofit of your standard colonialist-learns-from-natives tale (SPOILER!). i’m too jaded for that anyway and besides, it’s the visuals i’m going for, which is why i’m holding out for the 3D IMAX. plus, while i acknowledge there are always elements of impracticality and plot holes in any utopian vs dystopian/good vs evil storyline and expect no less from this one, i find it amusing that some uber-conservatives are irked at the film’s supposed ‘anti-American liberal agenda’, or that others are calling it “nativist“, as though all environmentalists hate modernity and progress and wish we’d just go back to idyllic hunter/gatherer mode and want to totally dismantle our capitalist system. *eye roll*

i have seen a whole raft of other movies lately (netflix on demand RULES!), and will try to post some reviews/recs over the weekend, or soon-ish.

ok, now i’m just blabbing. have a great weekend, y’all. and good luck with those new years resolutions.

goal #1: beat december

i don’t really have any “resolutions”.  i mean, i do, but they are the same as every year: focus. be healthy.  travel. do more good.  accomplish stuff. take on something new. etc. etc. the calendar flip gives a good impetus to reexamine these things, but they aren’t new.

anyway, i am now in my 8th week of dealing with my neck/shoulder problem, and it is getting better.  or, at least, working short days and having two 4-day weekends in the last 2 weeks made it feel a lot better, but the problem is still there, i can feel it. am still waiting to see if i can get an MRI (HMO health insurance grumblegrumble).

as such, i am continuing “focus on my body” as my daily mantra, and i guess you could say that in the short term, i do have one resolution: Beat December.

at the Y, you can set up to have a computer system track all your weight lifted for machines that are linked to the computer, and then you log your own cardio, either at the gym or elsewhere. these are my workout reports for Dec 09.  22 workouts, 123,010 lbs lifted, 4,296 extra calories burned.

at the gym, they put up charts showing monthly rankings for people using this system.  i’m not sure if it’s competitive or just meant to inspire.  in November, i was 5th in my age bracket; in December i was 3rd.  what’s crazy is that the woman who was #1 had TEN TIMES the number of points i did.  she must work there or something.

so in January, i want to beat 5,690 points.  i’m behind to start, since i haven’t been to the gym yet this month, but i’m looking forward to catching up.

status update: week six

so, here i am, in the Sixth Week of Pain (now with CAPS!), with an update since the last post.

if you’ve been following along (i’m pretty sure most of you have stopped reading by now, but this is my life-blog, so sometimes the mundane takes precedence over the political/arty/witty; don’t worry, your regularly scheduled programing will return at some point), you know after many weeks of seeing chiro and massage therapists with no results, yesterday i saw a family practice doctor (who specializes in GERIATRICS - how old am i getting?) about my back problem (ongoing since at least 2004), and his medical opinion is that i do not have symptoms of anything major (nerve damage, slipped discs, arthritis, etc) and that it is all probably due to muscular stress and contractions, most likely attributable to many (15? 1994-present) years sitting at desks/in front of computers for 8+ hours a day with less than perfect posture (good news if true, but contrary to that of my chiro; bad news, as that is what i do for a living; but good news in that if it is self-inflicted it is therefore self-curable). he gave me an Rx for a muscle relaxant, tips on avoiding bad head posture, and told me to come back in 2 weeks if the pain was still present.

i stressed that i was in daily pain and that it was affecting my work, and that i had already done everything i could over the past six weeks to address the problem with no improvement, and he said he understood and he said that he would also request an MRI from the health insurance company to see if there was something else going on but wasn’t feeling too confident that it would get approval, as they usually reserve that for more “extreme” situations with different symptom patterns (loss of movement, numbness in extremeties, etc). i will know by the end of this week or maybe next monday if the MRI is approved. i almost started to cry right then and there, but didn’t. (i had already cried on the way to work yesterday morning, and but held out until AFTER i left the doctors office to cry again.) he said the best thing for now would be for me to take the muscle relaxer and actively avoid anything that aggravates the situation until it calms itself down. if it doesn’t resolve itself, he will refer me to another specialist in January.

i can’t take the muscle relaxer AND function at work (causes me to fall asleep) and so can’t take it during the day if i’m in the office, which is where i feel the most pain.  after taking the relaxant last night (and totally passing out cold), i felt about 80% better this morning than i did yesterday morning (yay!). the pain/stiffness is still present, sitting at my desk still hurts, but i think if i can avoid aggravating it, the muscles will slowly relax and get better. hopefully.

so now i am going to work short days today/tomorrow, take this thursday off and have a long weekend in Tahoe with some of my bestest friends where i will do no computering or sitting at desks and lot of lying on the floor and in hottubs, take the relaxants, and hope it goes away.  i am also working on a plan to modify my desk to standing position, but in the meantime i’m working on modifying it myself as much as possible and taking long breaks between sitting.

so that’s it. an obvious diagnosis from the doc, and i’m not sure if it’s true, but i’m hoping. it’s sunny today, and the silver lining has been spotted. (fingers crossed)

many thx to all who have offered kind words of support, advice, and encouragement.

status report

because a number of people have asked….i am feeling ok. starting my 5th week of pain now, and despite numerous visits to various doctors and bodyworkers (and numerous $$), condition not really getting any better.  working less and doing more to address the pain, so most of the time it’s not too bad, but as soon as forget to think about my posture or sit at my desk, or even here on my couch with my laptop, for too long it hurts again in less than half an hour. man it reallysucks someone who is as addicted to the internet as i am can no longer sit at a computer without it hurting.

if i’m not sitting, the pain isn’t super bad, just constant.  i think at this point i feel more depressed mentally that my whole life is going to be out of whack for longer than anticipated.  i’m trying to make lemonade (vacation! visit family!) and thinking short time that is easy, but thinking long term (what will i do for work?!) is deflating.

i feel like i’m in a kind of intense independent study re: my body.  reading about symtoms, causes,  treatments.  relearning musculoskeletal system.  spending hours at the gym, strengthening my upper body. chiropractic has been quite informational but has been little to no help.  latest theory is that i have a disc out of alignment and it’s causing nerve pain from the center of my spine up and across my shoulders, kind of in butterfly pattern.  next week i’m going to a regular MD to see if i can get an MRI, and maybe even some drugs! maybe i’m an idiot for not trying drugs (muscle relaxers? antinflammatories?) in the first place, i dunno.  but this problem has been reoccuring so i figure an investigation into the root cause is prudent.

so that’s the status update.  thx for everyone who’s had suggestions, recommendations, advice, or shared their own personal anecdotes wrt back pain or pain management in general.  i apologize that this has dominated a lot of personal conversation (in person and online), but it’s dominating my life at this point, so really, it’s all i have to talk about.

holding down the power button

have you tried turning it off and on again?

i need a reset button.  i realized a while ago, that for 2004-2008, i had a weeklong rebooting procedure that took place in the middle of the desert where i drank a gallon of water every day and ate very little and rode my bike for miles and danced for hours every day.  some people go to burning man and toxify themselves;  i was always detoxing.  some people go to yoga retreats in bali to do this kind of thing, to eat sparingly and meditate and flush and cleanse.  for 5 years i did it at burning man. and this year, i did not have that.  my mind was ok with it, the not going, because i had europe instead! but i don’t think my body was.  and traveling around europe for a month instead was the opposite, physically, drinking wine at all hours and smoking cigarettes and hookahs and eating all kinds of rich creamy fattening foods because there was nothing else and yes walking but not in the hot sun and not for all night and sleeping 10-12 hours a day is not exercise.  and i think that this is true, and if there’s anything i now regret about not going to burning man this year it is that i did not get this physical reboot.

and yes now, not to keep going on about it, but my body hurts. and i need TIME to find some other way to reboot.  and my boss, he is so kind, he today agreed that i should be at work less, sitting in my chair less, and that i can cut the number of hours my butt is in this chair and it will be fine.  and also that i can have someone build me a standing desk configuration, so that the hours i am here will be better.  and while it didn’t take the pain away, at least i think i’ll have more time to Focus On My Body now, more time for therapy appointments and yoga and walking and things, and less time sitting. this is good news.

on to other topics, for the rest of 2009 it looks like a lot of low-key hibernatory activities, although we are going to Tahoe for Christmas (yay!) and so i will actually see some snow this year. the chain of christmas holiday parties starts this friday night and lasts until around 1/1 (i don’t have any plans for NYE yet and i don’t plan on making any either). i haven’t had a drink in 9 days (i sound like an alcoholic but this is for cleansing/healing reasons, not addiction reasons, i swear) and i intend to stay sober until around sunset on 12/31. this makes holiday parties slightly less fun, but not a big deal. lack of hangovers makes up for it.

and while i’ve been bitching and moaning (literally) a lot these past few weeks (and to those of you who have had to put up with it IRL, please be kind enough to forgive any snappy retorts, evil eyes, or frustrated outbursts you may have been the recipient of or been witness to; i swear i am not really like this), today i feel optimistic, and am once again counting my blessings instead of curses. most of those blessings are people, and i am most thankful for the lot of wonderful humans in my life who make this whole l-i-v-i-n thing bearable.

carry on.

(aside: for the full first episode of The IT Crowd, quoted and linked in the first line, click here. awesome sauce.)

december readjustment

if you don’t follow my twitter feed or aren’t my friend on facebook, it might seem like not a lot has been happening in my online world, but i am here.  it seems i’m less inclined to write here than in those two places, and so this blog is left for the things that don’t go there.

i’ll not repeat too much, but the most dominant recent personal item is that i declared December “Focus on My Body Month”, as it is now going on 4 straight weeks that i’ve been experiencing non-stop back, neck and shoulder pain, and i’m doing everything i can to a) soothe (saunas, hottubs, massages), b) correct (chiro) and c) prevent (cleaner living, more exercise, etc).  and it’s not so much that these are huge adjustments for me in my life, i’m already a pretty healthy person who eats well and exercises and all that, but the mental space it has been taking up to ACTIVELY observe and correct my physical posture and habits has been incredibly unexpected.  it’s also been hard to gather and weigh all the advice, online and offline, from friends and doctors, as on paper it SEEMS to me that i am already doing all of the things anyone might suggest to correct such a problem, yet it is not going away.  chiro. massage. exercise. ergonomic adjustments. supplements. therapies. doing them. ALL.  and so then there’s the mental space taken up by depressed thoughts that this might be a condition i suffer for the rest of my life, although everyone assures me it is reversible/curable, but as i said, i have been DOING ALL THE RIGHT THINGS and not a lot is changing, so this is hard to accept and sometimes i will admit i am despondent. and then this leads to more chain linked thoughts about aging, etc. and the mood just spirals from there.

so for the past 10 days or more i’ve upped all my physical regimens and i’ve been getting deep massages and seeing the chiro and making doctor appointments and going to the gym daily and eating an almost perfectly vegan whole food diet and abstaining from alcohol etc., and all of these things, combined with the aforementioned mental energy just THINKING about all of these things, has left very little room to think or do much else, not to mention that i have been irritable, grumpy, and not in the best of moods because of the constant chronic pain, lack of sleep due to pain/discomfort, and oh also THE DARKNESS outside.  and i am tired of it.  tired of thinking about it, talking about it, doing things about it. so i am focusing as best as i can at resolving this for 1 month. i can take this for one month.  but if i spend all this time and energy focusing on this and nothing changes i don’t know what the hell i’m going to do in 2010.

tweet jump

i’m totally guilty of twittering more than blogging these days, for a few reasons, these the most prominent:

1. i can tweet from my phone. i don’t have a PDA. i don’t want a PDA. i don’t really need to be able to read my email and blog everywhere i go. but it’s nice to be able to send out a short tweet now and then from the hills and valleys and streets and trails of my life.

2. my tweets, combined with things i share on google reader and sometimes my flickr uploads, have now become sort of crib notes for things i will probably blog about in longer detail later, which is helpful when i go to reconstruct my past thoughts and experiences for longer entries. and, if i don’t, at least there was some sort of communication about whatever it was. i guess what has happened recently is that twitter+google reader have sort of replaced blogging about external things like politics/news and small events for the time being, but i don’t see it as a total replacement for the longer, more autobiographical parts of my blog. that is just on hiatus for now because….

3. if you’re reading this via RSS feed and aren’t following me on twitter or my facebook friend, you probably don’t know that i’ve once again been suffering from problems with my right trapezius muscle, which makes the entire right side of my upper body hurt. i’ve cut back on typing, at work and not at work, so sitting down to blog hasn’t happened in a while. tweeting 140 characters is a lot less painful than blogging currently.

blogging will resume shortly. hopefully in a few days i can catch up. until then, pls refer to the shorter, hyperlinked windows into my life.

trapezius

my trapezius muscle is killing me again - it doesn’t flare up often, but when it does it’s super acute and i could barely sleep last night and even when i’m NOT moving my right arm the whole side of my body hurts. jason’s healing hands have agreed to massage me after work, but i have the sinking feeling this is more of a long-term problem.

my body is really not happy with me right now. i’ve had a series of head colds since thanksgiving, my muscles are in knots, my digestive system is totally whacked, and i’m bloated and weak.

people might think i’m hard on myself re: diet & excercise, but when i slack off it catches up to me so fast. i need, not want, NEED to get back on track with my highfiber/low fat vegan diet and back to yoga/hooping/dancing/walking. it’s not about vanity. it’s about feeling good and i feel like shit. once this muscle pain goes away i swear i’m going back to yoga.