intellectual properties

female + fiction

this morning i didn’t go to work because it was super sunny and friday i was in too much pain and so i drank my coffee, took some pain meds and went to sit in the garden and read my book until the pain meds kicked in. and then when i came back inside i was sort of hypercaffeinated/doped up and got into unconscious multi-tasking mode (where you do numbers of things at once even though you’re not in any kind of hurry whatsoever) and almost took a banana into the shower (tweet).

if there’s one plus side to all this pain management it’s that i’m spending lots more time reading in the garden, which is nice because i no longer have public transportation time for reading since they cancelled my AC Transit bus line to work. i also get most of my exercise biking to work now, which is good because i haven’t actually gone to the gym very much at all lately and my bike commute is pretty much the only daily exercise i’m getting. (tweeted side note: yesterday on the way home i got pulled over by the emeryville police for blowing a stop sign on my bike. i have never even been pulled over while driving my CAR in california. i pleaded ignorance and apologized and was let off with a warning.)

anyway, i finished the book - The Anxiety of Everyday Objects. it was sort of eerie, actually, how much i related to this book about a young wannabe artist working a desk job in a small manhattan law firm. and also, i realized part way through, that it’s sort of odd that this was the 3rd book i’ve read in a row about young women struggling with identity/life changes. i posted a bit before about Veronica, a novel about a young model, which i really enjoyed and then handed off to Vera, and then after that i read a book i pulled from my Mom’s bookshelf, What Girls Learn, about a couple of young girls and their mother who gets very ill, which was refreshingly honest about puberty but pretty emotionally dark.  i would highly recommend both Veronica and The Anxiety of Everyday Objects to other women because i think both of them dealt with issues in a very adult and uplifting/bigger-picture kind of way; What Girls Learn was decently written, but somewhat adolescent in it’s view. or maybe the writing just wasn’t as good, i don’t know.

i’m not sure why i read 3 books in a row on such a similar theme.  obviously i am still figuring out “who i am” (always, a neverending inner monologue), and questions about female identity in this modern world are on the forefront of culture right now, what with 2 women taking over the political headlines combined/contrasted with all the plastic surgery/airbrushing/extreme dieting/female imagery and the commentary on that subject in pop culture. it makes sense women (or maybe just me) are discombobulated. in the past i’ve not been regularly drawn to books on this subject, but my fiction choices of late have shown that it’s on my mind a lot more than maybe i was aware of.

because i now needed a new book and to change pace, today i went to “The West’s Oldest Independent Bookseller” and one of the only local bookstores left in Berkeley - Books, Inc. on 4th street- and bought Seeing by Jose Saramago, a tangential follow-up to Blindness, one of my all-time favorite novels (and now a movie but i haven’t seen it yet). this book is about (farcical yet unnervingly realistic) political upheaval. From The New Yorker:

Saramago’s sombre masterpiece “Blindness” had an almost mythic power, whereas his latest novel, a political satire set in the same nameless capital city, opens with more wit and less heart. When Election Day coincides with a terrible rainstorm, the government worries that no one will venture out to vote. This fear is unfounded, but the election results are even more alarming: seventy per cent of the city’s voters have cast a blank ballot. Saramago has enormous fun imagining the official acrobatics precipitated by this apparent vote of no confidence, and, as the political hypocrisies and bureaucratic absurdities multiply, the narrative hums with correspondences to current events. Initially, readers may miss the previous novel’s intensity of feeling, but this one’s lightness proves deceptive: for Saramago’s beleaguered citizens, even thoughts never uttered can be fatal, and everyone is guilty until otherwise notified.

looking forward to it.

sleeping beauty

i’ve been reading and linking to a lot so there’s a lot going on over here @GoogleReader and here@twitter, but no so much here. because, well, not to go on again about exhaustion, but oh man am i so tired, and it takes energy to write.  so many nights without good sleep. lying in bed.  twisting. turning. thinking.

first, last week my (now) chronic shoulder/neck pain spiked again, to the point that on last friday morning i was shriveled and exhausted and crying on the couch and jay made me to to the ER. what for? they won’t tell me anything new. DRUGS, that’s what for. but it turns out, the drugs, they don’t work miracles, and in fact, somehow, vicodin keeps me AWAKE. WHO KNEW.  as it has been for the past 6 months, the pain comes in waves, and now today, is subsiding back down to a point where it’s only slightly aggravating. i’m just more mentally frustrated than anything else.

then, just as i was feeling better, the boy half went and crashed on his mount bike something fierce, and so now HE’s the one taking all the drugs and rolling around in bed all uncomfortable from pain, and i have not had a good night’s sleep in over a week. and yet, somehow, even if i crawl in bed at 9:00pm, i still can’t go to sleep.  sometimes for hours and hours. insomnia sucks.

so while i intended to write something this week about, i don’t know, all the other crap going on in the world, right now all i want to do is go home and crawl in bed with my cat. which, by the way, i recently learned on This American Life, people from other cultures find weird, that americans sleep with their cats. huh.

i am only coming through in waves

the approximate scale is 15 to 30:
a nice-looking spectrum in its duplicity,
but there’s a lot of room in the middle.

my right arm is barely alive.
one of my least attractive personality traits
is that when i’m in pain i whine.
how much does it hurt?
i don’t know if i have a low threshold for pain or for complaining.

sailing through the wet-green and foggy-blue,
today is not the first day i wished my bike commute was longer.

le weekend

despite me having another bout of shoulder/neck pain and us being without a car (in the shop), it was a great weekend, probably because those 2 things forced us to relax and lay low.  several movies watched [liked: a serious man, up in the air.  did not like: fantastic mr. fox (a movie with george clooney and bill murray i didn't like?! thought it was boring, went to sleep halfway through), star trek (2009) (too many legacy issues, too many explosions, not enough script)], 2 sunny afternoon BBQs, time with friends, plenty of time outside and i even got a sunburn yesterday.   and now it’s a drizzly monday morning, and all i want is some hot thai curry.

january fitness report

i did it. even with being sick all last week and not going to the gym even once, i still beat december.

i lifted fewer pounds than in december but scored more points because cardio gets more points than weight lifted (1 Point for every 100lbs lifted vs. 5 points for each cardio minute), so if it’s raining and i’m not riding my bike, that’s 60 minutes a day in cardio i probably won’t get, because when i go to the gym i’d rather lift weights than run on a treadmill.

now that i’m feeling 99% better with my back problem i feel like i can be much more active, and now that it’s getting lighter out every day, as soon as this rain goes away i look forward to really getting in shape for spring. yay!

the results are in

in the ongoing saga of my body pain (10 weeks in):

first, as reported, since i modified my desk at work to be a standing desk, my daily pain level has all but disappeared unless i do something bad to aggravate it. this is GREAT, but the condition is still there, and can be aggravated.

the results of my MRI last friday are as such:

there is, still, as of last friday, 9+ weeks after the pain started, a continuing deep muscle spasm going on in my upper back that has been unresponsive to heat, massage, and muscle relaxers. the muscle spasm is also constricting all the other muscles around it and is likely what’s causing most of the pain.

also, two of the discs in my upper spine/neck are “bulging”, one of which is impeding the movement of my spinal cord, but probably not causing much of the pain/discomfort as i don’t have too many nerve-related symptoms, but the bulging discs could be what’s causing the muscle spasm, but maybe not. inconclusive.

at this point, there is nothing more really to do other than what i am already doing to try to relieve the muscle spasm and ease the pressure on my discs as well as strengthen the muscles around my spine. modifying my life to do these things and also avoid aggravating this problem hasn’t been difficult, but i’m not sure what it means for the long haul (i can’t stand and work for the rest of my life, i’m pretty sure). unfortunately the fact is that as you age, problems like this only get worse, but i’m trying not to think too much about that right now. i’m just relieved there is SOME explanation, and knowing that there was nothing worse going on and that i’m doing all the right things is a huge relief. sigh.

“2010″ still seems unreal to me.

on tuesday i had my work desk retrofitted so that now i am standing while i work.  it’s not a fancy adjustable desk, and i haven’t bought a taller chair yet, so i am standing the entire time i’m working. yes, my legs and back get tired, but this causes me to move around, stretch, take breaks. which is what i need.  and voila!  yesterday was the first day in 8 WEEKS i woke up without any noticeable neck or upper back/shoulder pain. yay!  of course, my MRI was scheduled for today.  isn’t that how it always goes?  i’m going in for the MRI this afternoon anyway, as this is a recurring problem and still might well be one that i am just avoiding. and, it was sort of a pain in the ass to get approved, i might as well.  perhaps puts another blemish on my medical record, but at this point i don’t really care about that. i’m optimistically hoping that someday “pre-existing conditions” aren’t the bane of healthcare they are today. anyway, will report on the results as soon as i get them.

in other news, i rode my bike to work every day this week again, which was nice. riding the bus makes me feel so trapped by timing and schedules and routes and is just kind of a pain compared to the freedom of biking.  last weekend i went and got a rear basket so i don’t ride with my backpack on, and despite continuous rain warnings from the not-so-accurate “accuweather” forecasters, it hasn’t rained yet this week.  next week?  let’s hope.  3 drought years in a row ain’t good.

oh, what else. let’s see. no, i haven’t seen Avatar yet as the 3D IMAX version is continually SOLD OUT in SF.  i’m not too expectant wrt the ‘amazing inspiring worldview-shifting’ some have reported, as from what i’ve seen heard, it’s just a retrofit of your standard colonialist-learns-from-natives tale (SPOILER!). i’m too jaded for that anyway and besides, it’s the visuals i’m going for, which is why i’m holding out for the 3D IMAX. plus, while i acknowledge there are always elements of impracticality and plot holes in any utopian vs dystopian/good vs evil storyline and expect no less from this one, i find it amusing that some uber-conservatives are irked at the film’s supposed ‘anti-American liberal agenda’, or that others are calling it “nativist“, as though all environmentalists hate modernity and progress and wish we’d just go back to idyllic hunter/gatherer mode and want to totally dismantle our capitalist system. *eye roll*

i have seen a whole raft of other movies lately (netflix on demand RULES!), and will try to post some reviews/recs over the weekend, or soon-ish.

ok, now i’m just blabbing. have a great weekend, y’all. and good luck with those new years resolutions.

goal #1: beat december

i don’t really have any “resolutions”.  i mean, i do, but they are the same as every year: focus. be healthy.  travel. do more good.  accomplish stuff. take on something new. etc. etc. the calendar flip gives a good impetus to reexamine these things, but they aren’t new.

anyway, i am now in my 8th week of dealing with my neck/shoulder problem, and it is getting better.  or, at least, working short days and having two 4-day weekends in the last 2 weeks made it feel a lot better, but the problem is still there, i can feel it. am still waiting to see if i can get an MRI (HMO health insurance grumblegrumble).

as such, i am continuing “focus on my body” as my daily mantra, and i guess you could say that in the short term, i do have one resolution: Beat December.

at the Y, you can set up to have a computer system track all your weight lifted for machines that are linked to the computer, and then you log your own cardio, either at the gym or elsewhere. these are my workout reports for Dec 09.  22 workouts, 123,010 lbs lifted, 4,296 extra calories burned.

at the gym, they put up charts showing monthly rankings for people using this system.  i’m not sure if it’s competitive or just meant to inspire.  in November, i was 5th in my age bracket; in December i was 3rd.  what’s crazy is that the woman who was #1 had TEN TIMES the number of points i did.  she must work there or something.

so in January, i want to beat 5,690 points.  i’m behind to start, since i haven’t been to the gym yet this month, but i’m looking forward to catching up.

status update: week six

so, here i am, in the Sixth Week of Pain (now with CAPS!), with an update since the last post.

if you’ve been following along (i’m pretty sure most of you have stopped reading by now, but this is my life-blog, so sometimes the mundane takes precedence over the political/arty/witty; don’t worry, your regularly scheduled programing will return at some point), you know after many weeks of seeing chiro and massage therapists with no results, yesterday i saw a family practice doctor (who specializes in GERIATRICS - how old am i getting?) about my back problem (ongoing since at least 2004), and his medical opinion is that i do not have symptoms of anything major (nerve damage, slipped discs, arthritis, etc) and that it is all probably due to muscular stress and contractions, most likely attributable to many (15? 1994-present) years sitting at desks/in front of computers for 8+ hours a day with less than perfect posture (good news if true, but contrary to that of my chiro; bad news, as that is what i do for a living; but good news in that if it is self-inflicted it is therefore self-curable). he gave me an Rx for a muscle relaxant, tips on avoiding bad head posture, and told me to come back in 2 weeks if the pain was still present.

i stressed that i was in daily pain and that it was affecting my work, and that i had already done everything i could over the past six weeks to address the problem with no improvement, and he said he understood and he said that he would also request an MRI from the health insurance company to see if there was something else going on but wasn’t feeling too confident that it would get approval, as they usually reserve that for more “extreme” situations with different symptom patterns (loss of movement, numbness in extremeties, etc). i will know by the end of this week or maybe next monday if the MRI is approved. i almost started to cry right then and there, but didn’t. (i had already cried on the way to work yesterday morning, and but held out until AFTER i left the doctors office to cry again.) he said the best thing for now would be for me to take the muscle relaxer and actively avoid anything that aggravates the situation until it calms itself down. if it doesn’t resolve itself, he will refer me to another specialist in January.

i can’t take the muscle relaxer AND function at work (causes me to fall asleep) and so can’t take it during the day if i’m in the office, which is where i feel the most pain.  after taking the relaxant last night (and totally passing out cold), i felt about 80% better this morning than i did yesterday morning (yay!). the pain/stiffness is still present, sitting at my desk still hurts, but i think if i can avoid aggravating it, the muscles will slowly relax and get better. hopefully.

so now i am going to work short days today/tomorrow, take this thursday off and have a long weekend in Tahoe with some of my bestest friends where i will do no computering or sitting at desks and lot of lying on the floor and in hottubs, take the relaxants, and hope it goes away.  i am also working on a plan to modify my desk to standing position, but in the meantime i’m working on modifying it myself as much as possible and taking long breaks between sitting.

so that’s it. an obvious diagnosis from the doc, and i’m not sure if it’s true, but i’m hoping. it’s sunny today, and the silver lining has been spotted. (fingers crossed)

many thx to all who have offered kind words of support, advice, and encouragement.

status report

because a number of people have asked….i am feeling ok. starting my 5th week of pain now, and despite numerous visits to various doctors and bodyworkers (and numerous $$), condition not really getting any better.  working less and doing more to address the pain, so most of the time it’s not too bad, but as soon as forget to think about my posture or sit at my desk, or even here on my couch with my laptop, for too long it hurts again in less than half an hour. man it reallysucks someone who is as addicted to the internet as i am can no longer sit at a computer without it hurting.

if i’m not sitting, the pain isn’t super bad, just constant.  i think at this point i feel more depressed mentally that my whole life is going to be out of whack for longer than anticipated.  i’m trying to make lemonade (vacation! visit family!) and thinking short time that is easy, but thinking long term (what will i do for work?!) is deflating.

i feel like i’m in a kind of intense independent study re: my body.  reading about symtoms, causes,  treatments.  relearning musculoskeletal system.  spending hours at the gym, strengthening my upper body. chiropractic has been quite informational but has been little to no help.  latest theory is that i have a disc out of alignment and it’s causing nerve pain from the center of my spine up and across my shoulders, kind of in butterfly pattern.  next week i’m going to a regular MD to see if i can get an MRI, and maybe even some drugs! maybe i’m an idiot for not trying drugs (muscle relaxers? antinflammatories?) in the first place, i dunno.  but this problem has been reoccuring so i figure an investigation into the root cause is prudent.

so that’s the status update.  thx for everyone who’s had suggestions, recommendations, advice, or shared their own personal anecdotes wrt back pain or pain management in general.  i apologize that this has dominated a lot of personal conversation (in person and online), but it’s dominating my life at this point, so really, it’s all i have to talk about.