intellectual properties

optimism in late 2011

the other night as we were falling asleep, jay asked: “what inspires you”. and i mumbled into the pillow: “optimists….”

.::.

when i said that, i was thinking mostly about the ongoing efforts and moving reports out of of Occupy Wall Street/occupy everywhere. but then yesterday we went to a baby shower that included (at least) 3 other pregnant friends besides the mom being showered. and during the part where people all gather as a group and speak their blessings for the parents-to-be, i looked around the room and thought about how incredibly optimistic you have to be to bring a child into this world we’re in right now, where most of the media is constantly negative, economies are in turmoil, practically everything our bodies touch and mouths eat is toxic, and is there any country on this planet that thinks their leaders are representing their best interests? and i thought about how hard it is for me to push aside all of the darkness, to focus on the good that is and can be created. and i was, in fact, inspired by the fact that so many of my friends believe in a beautiful future despite all this.

to mary and stephen: <3

(a little on the flip side:  Hopelessness and hope. How can we love it all?)

.::.

later that evening, we went to the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) 25-year celebration art and music ball. and there also, i was inspired. a crowd of people who believe not only in magic of human consciousness, but in actively fighting systems that try to oppress vehicles to greater health and knowledge in favor of corporate interests.

that and the psychedelic-influenced fashion, whimsically silly with a “i got dressed while high in the kostume kult tent at burning man” mix of sequins and yoga wear that states “i don’t give a fuck about societal norms” was entertaining, and yes, i dare say also inspiring. you might look kind of silly, but at least you look fun.  maybe i’ve lived in northern california for too long, but weird in the face of normal is not only defiant, but also an expression of optimism.

.::.

i have my last 5 days of work this week before i take off for New York/Puerto Rico for the rest of the year. maintaining optimism is something i am continuing to work on as we ramp up to 2012.  everyone: keep up the good.

just need to get up

it’s loud

i shared this on gReader a while ago but i think it deserves more press.
.::.explodingdog.::.

Filed in me myself and i | Tagged with exploding dog | Comment (0)

2/15/01 – 2/15/11: 10 years of autobiography (my life is a Beatles song)

february 15th was the 10 year anniversary of this blog (first post). (my blog is older than dooce! but oh so less profitable……)

i think my writing has improved considerably, but this hasn’t really become anything other than what it’s always been.  and that’s fine with me. it warms my heart when other people say they like/read my blog, even though the amount of content has dropped off due to a lot more of my commentary going through twitter and gReader, but i still actually feel a little sad when people i assume to be my friends (or my PARENTS) don’t read this, because while those other outlets are more interactive, this is where i write the things i really want to remember. the personal stuff.

on a larger scale, thinking about me in 2001 vs. me in 2011 is on the one hand pleasant (still sticking to my guns on ethics/lifestyle, no major life calamities have occurred, i’m happy and healthy person) and on the other hand sort of depressing.  i am living almost the same life now as i was 10 years ago.  same city. same partner. SAME JOB.

also: i turn 35 this year. shouldn’t i have done something by now? i don’t mean marriage/house/kids/grad school/standard metrics of growth.  i mean….. something **ME**.  something more than what i’ve done. some boundaries pushed. something of ME to show.  something that FEELS substantial. but what is that?  GAH. i don’t know. that’s what drives me crazy (and i’m sure i’ve driven some of my friends crazy going around and around about it too). i haven’t accomplished anything really personally noteworthy yet and i feel like i’ve already “settled down” not just without meaning to but in fact, actively working against. how does that happen?

this post took me a couple of weeks to write because of all the things going on and also because it just sounded repetitive and whiny (eh, still does). but i spent a lot of time thinking about it – this 10 year period – and when i really thought about it, one significant change is that 10 years ago, i worried a lot about being pretty enough.  i’m (sort of) done with that. now i worry a lot about being smart enough.

also:  the realization that knowing who you are and knowing what you want to be are TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. now that i think i have a fairly good grip on the former, the latter is really starting to make me angsty. (yes, i know that this is a Beatles song, ORANGE.)

in general, things are feeling really purgatorial here in my life. February has been rough for me emotionally, and i have some spirits dwelling in me that need to be exorcised. March 2011 is going to involve some exorcisms. some will be gentle. others might hurt. the rest of 2011 then needs to involve something that feels substantial. i really don’t want to delve more into that right now.  just know that i think about it all the time, and whatever happens, this blog is where it will be recorded. because this is my autobiography.

2/1/98 – 2/1/11

13 years

it’s hard to not have high expectations of someone who is capable of so much.

so much passion. so much life. so much beauty. so much spirit. so much love.

but expectations get us no where. only trust that it all will be.

if i have faith in anything, it’s you.

34

today is my 34th birthday.

a year ago today, we were in Prague, and that seems so, so long ago. for some weeks now, i have been noting how long this year+ has felt to me, in many ways.

since last august, i have been to 8 countries (not including Canada).  traveling has been something i’ve always dreamed of, always wanted to do when i was young and poor, and only in the last few years have i had both the time and money to be able to really do it.  this has made my life so much richer, feel so much bigger and opened up to the world to me.  other people, other music, other cultures, other foods, other forests, other mountains, other cities – i find everything so interesting, the micro complexities and the macro homogeny. i am completely enamoured with this planet and i want to see everything. traveling took up most of my extra time, money and energy this past year but it’s what has made the last year my life really start become the life i’ve been working toward.

for those following along you also know that since last fall, i’ve been dealing with chronic pain.  it was particularly bad in november-february, and i spent so much time and money seeing all kinds of doctors and healers that it also made that time period feel long and drawn out. i still wake up some mornings with a fair amount of pain in my neck and right shoulder, but it is no longer debilitating and i am off taking pain meds most of the time.   i will admit, though, it is the one thing that is really making me start to “feel my age”, and at times it sort of freaks me out for moment. on the flip side, because of all the bodywork and exercise i’ve done to try to alleviate the pain problem, it’s possible that right now i’m in the best physical shape i have been since high school!

finally, there is also some undefinable shift/change going on inside me.  i don’t quite know how to put it into words, really, but i think going to burning man without jay this year was a big part of it. as i noted at the end there, i felt some definitive growth.  i spent a lot of my youth feeling a victim. of my past, of my economy, of my insecurities, of my sex, of my culture. but i think i’m slowly breaking out of that. it isn’t consistent but i now feel a soft confidence that was definitely not there before.

big <3 to all my friends and family who have encouraged and supported me through both my pain and my wandering endeavors. 33 was an amazing year.  i'm thinking 34 might be even better.

and we’re off

look for flickrs (mine/jay’s) from the southern hemisphere

tangled webs, etc.

is it only simple when you make it simple?

i voted. *finally*

this.fucking.election.com – a visual retrospective of the political memes of the last 20+ months. reading that list made my head hurt; it makes it seem like american politics have more entertainment value than political value. le sigh.

and better late than never: fuck.john.mccain.com

even so, i admit, despite all my political disgruntledness, i felt a small rush of glee handing over my ballot this morning (i get an absentee ballot, fill it out at home and walk it over because i don’t want to deal with shit like this). i think more than anything it was because everyone working my polling station was african american and the mood in the room was positively joyous, and i felt happy for with them.

details

paul madonna is a local artist who draws these amazing one-frame pieces of places in san francisco, accented by a brief contemplation or observation, called All Over Coffee. this, for example, is the corner of haight and baker, the northern edge of buena vista park. it’s in the paper with the comics, but i really don’t consider it as such. there are never any people. amazing, intricate detailing of san francisco victorians and sidewalks and skylines. perfectly captured light. the essence of san francisco@6:00 a.m. on sunday mornings.

simple yet often with the implication of extreme complication, sort of like my old favorite exploding.dog.

i sent mr. madonna an email inquiring about his process. i wanted to know if he used photos to draw from, or if he did all his work on site, and how long does it take to come up with each final version? he very kindly responded that he does most of the ink work on site, but takes a photo because the layers of ink wash he uses to create the shadows take hours to dry, and he uses the photos to recreate the layers. because of this process, he said it takes about 15 hours to finish each one, each a little masterpiece and slice of time.