intellectual properties

i had a really good title in mind but now it’s gone

(it’s National Blog Posting Month aka NaBloPoMo again, and so i will be posting all kinds of things, polished and unpolished, long and short, meaningful and silly, every day for the next 30 days.)

moving through
slowly

sometimes my bike commute takes forever in a bad way: headwinds, cold rain, traffic lights. sometimes it takes forever in a good way: floating through sunshine, out of time. i forget where i am as i pedal into the day

taking time

give in to
give into
fake plastic trees
it wears her out

bike commuter: 2 year report

it’s now been 2 years since i had a car to go to work or run errands during the day. i ride about 200 miles a month, mostly all over the oakland and berkeley flats but into SF now and then too, although i like biking there less.  i feel like an idiot for all those years i drove a car instead of biking.  why sit in traffic when you can fly through the breeze? many days my bike rides are the only thing worth doing, and both my body and mind have benefited immensely.  i am SO LUCKY that nothing has happened to me (yet) – so many friends hit by cars, so many almost-accidents i see on the streets every day.  but i am a conscientious biker, i ride safe.

winter and darkness and rain will be here again soon enough, it’s true, but i was fine last season.  + another reason i will never move (back) to where it snows.

sweat it out

i got on my bike monday for the first time since valentine’s day, as it had rained the whole week after that (and by rain i mean MONSOON) and then i went to michigan.

it felt so amazing. my body rejoiced. have i mentioned recently about how much i love riding my bicycle?

some mornings i float.  effortlessly. the sun is shining.  the air is still. it feels glorious. i sail.

other times i have to fight  it’s raining. there’s a headwind.  it feels like work. i push.

but no matter – i am into it.

i don’t know if bicycling is saving me much money (with only a 9 mile RT commute i wasn’t driving much before) but it sure does make life more fun. and my sanity: if i didn’t have that half hour of fresh air+exercise before and after work i would most certainly be losing my mind right now.

.::.

an optimistic update on the ongoing shoulder/neck pain management:

after a year and half, the other physical therapies and whatnot recommended by my chiros, MDs, et.al. (alignment exercises, deep massage, heat/cold, etc) weren’t doing much but temporarily alleviating the tension/pain only to have it return. then i read somewhere not too long ago in some online article by some personal trainer who i don’t think was a physician that a large majority of neck/shoulder/back pain is the result of uneven muscles pulling your body out of alignment and that only weight training would resolve that problem, not muscle relaxers or the kind of light PT often prescribed. a study released in 2008 confirms:

“The higher percentage of pain reduction was due to the special effort made by the Danish researchers to follow exercise guidelines as set forth by the American College of Sports Medicine. This meant not babying the painful area, but instead, treating it the same as any other muscle group during a strength training session.

The people who just rode the stationary bike also reduced pain, but only slightly. The researchers felt theirs was not enough pain reduction to indicate the stationary bike would make for good therapy for neck problems.

The upshot of the study is that for people with trapezius myalgia, a good treatment would be doing high intensity strength training 3 times per week for 20 minutes under the supervision of a professional.”

so even though i was scared to do more advanced weights, especially free weights, because i had hurt myself doing those in the past, i said wtf and started going to the body sculpting class at the Y again for the first time since 2009. body sculpting is more or less basic calisthenics (push ups, situps, squats, lunges, etc), but with free weights/kettlebells or resistance tools (bosu ball, resistance bands). i do this 1-2x a week for an hour and it’s TOUGH. i am often sore for a couple of days afterward, sometimes in muscles i didn’t remember having. and i have to say (crosses fingers) — i think it’s working. i haven’t had a significant bout of pain since NYE and i stopped downing handfulls of pain relievers a couple of weeks ago. SO: YAY!

fingers crossed though because it’s not 100% resolved. i can still feel it there, that muscle knot below my shoulder blade, that tightness behind my right ear, there, lurking. and i am still on tenterhooks sometimes when i attempt something that i’m afraid will result in a pain snap. like yoga, with all it’s downward-dogging. but i have even started going back to yoga! which i was really missing from my life.

because of this i’ve become a bit (more?) evangelical about how much i believe physical exercise is important to sanity and well-being. i know this seems DUH, but it’s amazing how often people forget this (or willfully ignore it in favor of sedentary activities), and how RARELY doctors enforce physical exercise as a wellness tool. but watch The Biggest Loser! lives are changed by treadmills. if you have body aches, pains, moods, demons: sitting on the couch is most likely not only hindering recovery but part of the problem. get up and move.

for 2011: austerity, focus, and grace

i am finding this “end of year” post difficult to write, and it’s coming out in pieces.  i am trying to wrap up 2010 in my mind and in writing and it’s not going well.

part one: recognition: grace

in my solstice blog post i talked about why this year hasn’t been fun for me. the thing that bothers me most about it is not that i feel like life has been cruel or unfair to me in particular – i am highly aware of my 1st world privilege and all the good things surrounding me – but that the overall affect on my mood and attitude has made ME not fun.  a couple of nice friends told me after that post that despite how i have been feeling on the inside, i’ve been a friendly, positive force for them, and i appreciated that, because i think most of all this year i have been afraid that i’ve maybe rubbed some people the wrong way with my grumpiness, even though it was rarely ever personal, and possibly even damaged some friendships/relationships.  my boss in particular – wow.  the combination of 1. work stress 2. body pain 3. not sleeping 4. task boredom have sometimes compounded me into a srsly ….bitchy person at work. some days even i can’t believe how grumpy i am at work. and that my boss puts up with it. i feel guilty about this. which goes back to my last post about my main resolution for 2011 is simply to try to be a more positive person, even if in just the little ways.  i want to have more grace.

part two: shedding skin, removing the unnecessary: austerity

like everyone else, i have (ongoing) goals of removing the unnecessary from my life, physically and mentally.  clean out the shelves, get rid of useless stuff, release attachment to objects, cleanse the environment and body.  the drastic Austerity Measures in europe this year piqued my interest in learning more about that idea, philosophically and economically, and while this 2010 Word of the Year has a bad reputation economically and politically, philosophically i am not opposed.

the crux (for me) here is whether austerity is, by definition, on the opposite end of the spectrum from hedonism. can you not be an Austere Naturalist (see: Hume), living life to the fullest, completely enamoured with creation, but without all the excess? isn’t that a better way to be, happier in simplicity? is this idea truly audacious in a modern consumer world?

more than anything though, i feel that simplifying my desires, my belongings, and my inputs and outputs will help me gain some focus. i need focus.  there is too much extraneous going on here.

part three: reincarnation: focus

recently some friends started an email thread wherein they reported all the things they’ve done/accomplished/significant events for them this year.  while i’m inspired by my amazing community, it also it made me sad, because i feel like i have notable nothing to say, and i didn’t participate in that thread.  going on vacation to south america and watching a lot of really good movies and being lucky enough to have worn some fabulous outfits this year don’t qualify as accomplishments to me.

in retrospect, the two biggest things that happened in my life this year have been 1) again, the ongoing body work/struggle to find pain resolution and 2) becoming a full time bike commuter.  at the beginning of the year i was certainly not expecting #1 to still be ongoing here at the end, and was unprepared for the mental toll it would take on my energy and commitment-to-do-things level.  as for #2, i knew that biking to work and back would be somewhat of a shift, but didn’t realize that it would feel like such an accomplishment. according to my exercise log i have biked over 1500 miles this year. every day that i get out of bed and get on my bike and make it to work is sort of a little miracle.

but if these are the two biggest parts of my year, i’m not sure how to feel about 2010.  in past years i’ve always found myself little side projects, moonlight jobs, or new hobbies that resulted in feeling like i accomplished something new and definitive.  i feel like i just let this year the last couple of years roll over me. maybe this is what i needed and a natural downcycle but it feels very unproductive and i feel that now i am overly-anxious to DO SOMETHING in 2011.

“Someone told me not long after I moved here that people with talent and no ambition move to San Francisco, people with ambition and no talent move to Los Angeles, and people with talent and ambition move to New York.” (–PH)

OH HOW THAT RESONATES.

but WHAT? the thing is i still do not have any definitive goals.  i can’t tell you what i want to do in 2011.  or who i want to be.  so in addition to more Personal Austerity and Grace, i need Focus.

so here’s to 2010: the year i went to South America, the year i bicycled nearly every day, the year the whole world felt volatile and entropic on both a personal and global scale.

may 2011 be full of austerity, focus, and grace.

clear fragility

yesterday the headwind was so strong that i thought maybe gravity had increased overnight. i was pedaling so much harder than usual, yet barely moving. it was psychedelically slow, almost unbelievable, and when i finally dismounted my legs were like jello.

this morning was bright and clear with less of a wind, but cold like we have not felt since last winter. i had to stop to rub my hands together, my fingers numb, and as i did so, i noted the birds flocking in the water at Aquatic Park. how can those birds stand what must be frigid water, while i stand here with 4 layers, freezing my ass off?

today we prepare for a trip up the mountains, where it snowed 8-10 feet in one day and overnight lows are below zero. i am not prepared for this; i had envisioned crisp late-autumn days and hikes on muddy trails and maybe some flurries and frost in the morning, just enough to be enchanting. i did not envision huge piles of snow and subzero temperatures, as if it were february. i pray we do not get delayed by road closures or accidents, and once we arrive, if this weather holds i do not intend to leave the cabin or get out my pajamas until sunday.

have a safe and happy thanksgiving everyone. be grateful.

…snow can wait i forgot my mittens…

bike report

so far this month (Nov 1-12), i have ridden my bike 108.7 miles.

in preparing for the dark rainy season (yet to descend – it’s been clear, warm and gorgeous this november thus far), when commuting on my bike i am now officially fully dorked out.  2 bright white LED headlights + a red tail light. rain fenders. a basket. a helmet- ALWAYS. bike gloves. a cycle jersey with reflective trim. tight bike pants with reflective patterns on the side.  reflective rain pants (yet to be worn). and this windproof/waterproof safety vest in a bright yellow/green neon that is so bright i think it actually emits light.

biking in traffic, in the dark, i find these measures necessary.  i am always so scared for the people i see without lights, without helmets, weaving in and out of traffic after dark. i don’t know about them, but my life is worth being a dork sometimes.

love/hate for the equinox

happy Equinox, everyone! and a special one at that: a full harvest moon tonight to light up your life.

it has now been almost 14 months that i have been a carless commuter, 6 of which i have had no choice but to bicycle, as my bus route was cancelled.   i love bike commuting. LOVE IT. but sometimes i have to remind myself to love it.  sometimes when i crawl out of bed, after a not-so-good night’s sleep, to face a foggy, windy morning, the last thing i want to do is get on my bike and ride a 25 minutes to WORK.  this seems to be particularly harder the last couple of weeks, but i’ve been actively reminding myself to ENJOY THIS. enjoy the fresh air on my skin, the endorphins and adrenaline, the little things like the smell of freshly cut grass or wet eucalyptus leaves, even on the foggiest/mistiest/windiest of mornings.

generally, Autumn is my favorite time of year.  back when i was a child in the midwest, it signified several things: 1. going back to school (which i liked), 2. my birthday (10/1), 3. halloween, my favorite holiday, and 4. leaves changing color and crunchy leaf piles.

now, here in the Bay Area, it means 1. my birthday, 2. halloween, my favorite holiday, and 3. WARM DAYS and SUNSHINE after a cold foggy summer.  but it also means: 4. days get shorter, 5. Daylight Savings Time is coming soon, and 6. eventually, RAIN.

4 and 5 and 6 are making it difficult to love the equinox/first day of Autumn this year, as a bike commuter. biking in the dark and rain is not fun, no matter how hardcore you are. but still: I <3 AUTUMN and i intend to make the most of every last luscious sunny afternoon until the darkness descends.

i am only coming through in waves

the approximate scale is 15 to 30:
a nice-looking spectrum in its duplicity,
but there’s a lot of room in the middle.

my right arm is barely alive.
one of my least attractive personality traits
is that when i’m in pain i whine.
how much does it hurt?
i don’t know if i have a low threshold for pain or for complaining.

sailing through the wet-green and foggy-blue,
today is not the first day i wished my bike commute was longer.

it does a body good

for the record, i rode my bicycle 104.9 miles this month, recorded 18:39:00 of total cardio time including the biking, and lifted 49,514 lbs in weights (only 5 weight sessions due to injury), logging activity on 23 out of 31 days. injury aside, body feels pretty good, but next month: more.

darkness and intuition

the other day i left west berkeley later than usual, as i had been having happyhourfuntimes with jason and neva after work, and i got on my bike and just took the usual route back toward home, not really thinking about it.  but as soon as i got into aquatic park, i realized it was WAY DARKER than i expected it to be, as the park runs between the freeway and lit streets (map) i expected there to be some ambient light, but i guess there are enough trees that there wasn’t, and the flimsy little headlight on my bike was doing almost nothing to light the path. but my eyes adjusted and i ride the path 2 times a day so i know where it goes and was pretty fine with riding in the dark.

until i started thinking about where i was. aquatic park is known as a casual sex hookup spot for gay men, and honestly, even though it creeps me out to see guys emerging from the bushes or awkwardly sitting in their cars at 9am, i have nothing against anonymous sex between consenting adults, and i never feel threatened by the presence of this activity in the daytime; mostly i feel sad for those men.  but at night, i think the vibe gets a little different, and there’s a lot more drug activity and straight-up prostitution. and as i was thinking about this, i rounded a corner and there next to the path were the silhouettes of 3 large men, and for a brief second i was terrified as i imagined them tackling me, and later thought about the scary vibe they emitted (as opposed to the usual joggers/frisbee golfers/joggers/dog walkers i intercept in the daytime).  but i just rode past, and soon afterward i was back on a regular street, telling myself never to ride through aquatic park again at night, despite the fact that it’s the fastest and easiest route home, and in the daylight, the safest because there is no car traffic.

then this morning when i approached the south entrance to the park, there were several cop cars and news vans (photo) and a big stretch of yellow POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS tape across the entrance and i had to turn around and loop back to take the regular streets. i was almost afraid to look it up on the news, but there it is:  Slain Woman Found in Berkeley’s Aquatic Park.

assuming that the woman found was homeless or a prostitute (meaning, not someone who was randomly walking through and attacked) does not give me much comfort, and i’ll be riding a different route home until it’s light again.

i’m not sure what to more to suggest to the City about this known issue than has already been discussed for years (and now again in the comments on that news item). the park is technically “closed” at night, and so anyone entering there after dark is doing so “at their own risk”, and the city has historically looked the other way re: the sex exchanges. but perhaps installing night lighting along the paths would be a start? then at least those who do end up going through there aren’t completely left in the dark.