epinephrine.
the emotional spectrum between frantic anxiety and welcome anticipation is interesting.
Filed in me myself and i | Tagged with anxiety | Comment (0)look mom no hands
today is almost t-shirt weather, except that the air off the pacific is cold.
do you ever have those moments where you see yourself, unexpectedly, from 20 feet away, like watching a few split seconds of scene from the movie of your actual life?
do you ever feel unsafe with yourself? do you look up sometimes and realize how vulnerable you are? through either the reality of mortal life, or because you’ve lead yourself into a specific situation that is maybe not ok?
people are on guard here, a strange distrust in the fact that we are all only human. it should be safe to be outside in broad daylight on a sunny afternoon. but it’s not. we’re not safe from each other if we are not safe from ourselves.
as i say this i ride down city streets with no hands, my fingers laced behind my back.
Filed in me myself and i | Tagged with anxiety | Comment (0)forest therapy
i used to think i was a pretty chill person. but i am not, and i have not ever been. that image of the laid back hippie chick was just a dream.
when i was younger my anxiety manifested itself as social awkardness, nerdiness, etc. but then as i got older i learned how to control that, to “groom” an outward persona closer to cool. and i think what happened is all that anxiety went inward and is now manifesting itself physically. i have an almost constant stomach ache. my ongoing shoulder/muscle pain is now over a year old. i have actual Anxiety Attacks.
i still have my totally socially awkward moments, in the worse of which i am a total Manic, overly flirtatious and rather aggressive, and afterward i am always a bit embarrassed, and wonder if anyone else noticed.
but in general, day to day, i am usually just sort of trembling inside. other times the feeling starts to overwhelm my whole experience. as mentioned, when i got back from burning man, i was so hella relaxed people kept asking me what was wrong because i wasn’t my usual self.
.::.
last night we went camping at China Camp in Marin – one last time for the year, before DST adjusts again tomorrow and the short, dark, damp days descent upon us.
for my body and mind, i have found nothing as therapeutic as time spent in the woods.
Filed in autobiographical, me myself and i | Tagged with anxiety, NaBloPoMo | Comment (0)little earthquakes
it has become apparent that i am going through one of those phases again where i am having a series of small breakdowns. mini crises. freak outs. anxiety attacks. little earthquakes. i hereby recognize and am doing what i can to stop the pattern and prevent a big one. please forgive me if i am not my self right now.
Filed in me myself and i | Tagged with anxiety | Comment (1)symptomatic
the long overdue health report is that since i’ve been back from burning man, i’ve been experiencing some moderate to severe physical symptoms that are vague yet consistent. these include: dizziness, vertigo, weakness, fatigue, strange burning/tingling sensations in my head and up and down my extremities, nerve tweaks/spasms, vision funkiness, pressure in my head, and sometimes nausea.
a few weeks ago i went to see my general physician and she didn’t have much to say – such vague symptoms without anything really “happening”, she couldn’t give me a diagnosis other than i should literally and figuratively get my head checked: revisit a neurologist, given my history of seizures (which were never attributed to anything specific being wrong), and possibly a psychologist/psychiatrist, to see about my anxiety.
after looking at my old records and giving me a few tests and asking a few pertinent questions, the neurologist also figures it’s generalized anxiety, as i don’t actually have what one would call a “headache” (suggesting a scary problem like a brain tumor), and my cognitive functions have remained just fine (suggesting i haven’t had any seizures), but with the continuing persistence of symptoms i am having the MRI and EEGs done again next week.
at the end of last week i thought i was getting better, that every day i was feeling a bit stronger, and i was feeling 90% ok. but then saturday came, and i spent the whole day weak and trembly, and since then i’ve felt horrid.
this has been more or less occupying most of my time, dealing with this, and has kept me from doing a lot of things, being a lot of places, writing a lot of blogs. i’ve been able to function at work just fine, although i’m probably a bit more irritable and surly than i should be, and i’ve tried to go on with my life as though everything is fine, which is maybe the worst thing to do, not ignoring the problem but not letting it take over my life. but everywhere i go, i am monitoring all these strange sensations in my body. when i walk down the street for lunch, i wonder if i’ll fall to my knees. when i’m sitting in a theatre seeing a play, i feel weak and wonder what would happen if i lost consciousness. like the world is so heavy, and my life force so weak, that i just might collapse under the weight of it all. i have also had a couple of standard anxiety attacks – the sweaty palms, the difficulty breathing – but these other symptoms are pretty much nonstop. all day long. the weakness and dizziness, and weird pressure/tingling in my head. i haven’t fallen, i haven’t lost consciousness, but it constantly feels like i might.
it’s so hard to write this here, i don’t know why. maybe because i don’t want to hear everyone’s advice or seem like i’m asking for sympathy. or maybe because it feels like i am overreacting, and putting this into writing here, for everyone to read, feels like making a mountain out of a molehill, exaggerating my symptoms. are they really as bad as they seem? or am i just being hypersensitive? maybe because its so personal, and when things are really deep, really personal, i am usually silent, and this seems like a lot of myself to share. or maybe because regardless of what is or what isn’t, i’m fucking scared.
Filed in autobiographical, epilepsy, food, health & vegetarianism, me myself and i, most linked/commented on | Tagged with anxiety | Comments (12)somewhere to go
it’s more than a little unnerving that i relate so much to this:
Filed in culture and random linkage, me myself and i | Tagged with adbusters, anxiety | Comment (0)
