ariel wrote recently about coming into contentment around her age. i admit i have also been struggling with the aging process, but larger than anything superficial, although there’s that too, for me, it’s not so much about my age and what that means physically or culturally, but about how much time i have left. it’s also very hard for me to accept “i am where i am” when i’m not really where i want to be, and i feel like every day is a missed opportunity in a limited number of opportunities to get there. the problem is, i don’t know what “there” is, and every January 1 that rolls around gets a bit harder in that respect.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my friend ivan wrote my other friend “bill” this song after we camped together at burning man 2006 about being beautiful and happy. a lot of what burning man is about is about trying to be beautiful and happy. beautiful in a very esoteric and existential sort of sense, although physical also applies. many of my female friends will attest that they always feel the most beautiful at burning man, even while your imperfect ass is hanging out and your hair is all matted and you haven’t had a shower in a week. because beautiful is so subjective, and usually just constructed out of expectations.  when subjectivity and expectations shift to a place where everything is perceived as beautiful if it wants to be, it’s a wondeful thing.  why can’t we bring that back with us?

and then some of the lyrics to the song are “we got eachother we’ve got land and water fire and air and we should be the happiest people on earth“. i can only assume that this stemmed from some of our in-camp conversations about how, even at burning man, we were not as happy as we thought we should be, or as happy/excited as other people were, and so WTF is wrong with us? sort of frustrations. i won’t get all into that again here - you can read about it in the burning man 2006 and 2007 recap posts - but the point is that even in a context where we could theoretically be as happy as possible (and many other people really are), free from “default world” worries and obligations, we weren’t.  and even applied back to the real world, we should be the happiest people on earth. we have everything. but we aren’t. why?

it is the turning over and over again of that question that drives me insane. i want to be able to stop wondering why i am not happy, and just BE HAPPY.

i know i should be grateful for all that i have, and i am. but i am not content.

i think, if anything, one of the things i really really need to focus on is learning to be content, and thereby less agitated. i’m not sure what that means for me. i’m not suddenly going to become this super laid back person who isn’t irked by all the crazy shit that’s going on in the world, because i think that deserves being upset over, but i definitely need to stop internalizing it so much.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

people keep asking the question “so how’s your 2009 going so far” and i think everyone expects the answer to be positive, or, at least “pretty good”. well, to be really honest, my 2009 isn’t going anywhere so far. it feels the same and looks like it’s going to be the same as 2008, and for me, that’s not really positive. it’s going to be hard to explain why without sounding ungrateful, but i’m not going to lie. i mean, it is pretty good. it’s fine. i’m fine. jay’s fine. everything’s FINE. but it’s not what i want it to be. i think the easiest way to describe this feeling is that i want there to be some forward momentum in my life, and right now i feel like there isn’t any.

how do i get that feeling of momentum, of movement forward?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i’m incredibly frustrated at the moment. i feel like i am swimming up an invisible stream, one that i can barely see or feel except for the resistance. it’s because it’s imagined, i’m sure, and not real, and somehow that makes it all the more frustrating, to know that you cage is inside your own mind.

there are so many choices that i make that are defeatist. so many times i say no to things only because i’m afraid of making the choice. it sounds stupid, but that seems to be the case.

so far, 2009 has been no different, and i’m sitting here 5 days in with already more than one regret under my belt.

like the recent movie ‘yes man‘, i feel like i should start saying yes to a lot of things. combined with summer pierre’s “screw it” strategy (=yeah, screw it, why not?), i think i might end up with fewer regrets.

i turned down an invitation to be somewhere else last week, somewhere quiet and foresty and natural and meditative. i turned it down not so much because i didn’t want to go, but because i didn’t want to commit to going, and because jay didn’t want to go. and at a certain point over the weekend i cried, because i really wished i was there.

i want to say yes to my friends who ask me to join them traveling to wonderful places, instead of saying no because of time/money concerns. in the last few years i’ve said no to so many beautiful cities, so many adventures when really the opportunity cost was not in going, but in NOT going. i’m tired of that.

i want to say yes to doing things that my life partner doesn’t want to do. it’s hard to say yes to doing things without him. i have often found myself staying home or hanging around places when i could be somewhere else because he didn’t want to go, and then later feeling like a loser for it. it’s hard because i want him to be there, to share everything, and i generally opt to not do something if he doesn’t want to, not just because i don’t want to go alone, but because it’s less fun if he’s not there. by nature i’m a MUCH more social person than he is, and he gets sort of exhausted with the socializing and such. it’s not so much that there is resentment, but that more and more i feel like we need more time apart, and i should probably use those instances where he doesn’t want to do something for that purpose.

i want to say yes when people ask me to participate in something that i think might reveal what i think are my faults or shortcomings, like performance pieces wherein i think i might look uncoordinated, fashion shows where i think i might be revealing my least attractive body parts, work projects where i might screw up or fail. the more i think about it, the more i’m realizing how much self-doubt i have.

i want to believe that certain things are simple instead of difficult and complicated. i know i over-complicate. i know this is holding me back.

to use an old cliche, i want to change the things i can, accept the things i can’t, and have the wisdom to know the difference. i think this will lead to BOTH the change i want to achieve and contentment.

every year i tell myself these kinds of things, but i think i’ve sort of reached a breaking point. something’s got to give. and i think that something is me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

all that is vague, i know, and i should probably try to create more of an ‘action list’ of definitive things to help focus those intentions, and maybe i will, but right now i think trying to hammer out the details feels sort of stifling.

of course i’d also like to exercise more, eat better, consume less, be a better friend/lover/employee, be less judmental, blah blah blah. i have all of those little marbles rolling around in my head just like everyone else does, and i will try to continue to make changes in those areas of my life as well. especially the judgmental part.

but the only REALLY definitive goal i have for 2009 is for the two of us, jay and i, to get off the continent together - in addition to or as part of saying yes to other travelling friends. for those of you globetrotters who travel all the time, i’m sure that might seem rather trivial, but it’s not that easy for everyone. it’s not as easy as just buying a ticket and taking the ride when you have to remain employed for health insurance reasons, and you’ve been in debt for years. it’s now been over 5.5 years since jay and i went to asia, and it’s proven too difficult to get the 2 of us off the continent again since then.  as much as we’d love to we can’t just take 2-3 months off (or even just more than 2 weeks) and slouch around europe or south america without some extreme pre-planning, and we’ve been sort of holding out to see if that could happen. but now with the economy tanking and and the hope for universal healthcare any time in the near future seeming pretty dim, i’m sort of done trying to think big and i’m willing to start thinking small. and so even if we can only manage 2 weeks off the continent this year, we’re taking them.

and there we have it:  less self-doubt, more time alone, less complication, more simplicity, less “i can’t”, more “i can”, more “yes”, less “no”, more travel, less inertia.

politically, socially, personally:  this is the year of moving forward, and i can’t believe i’m gonna say it but:  yes i can.

mdec22: work, gym - step class + abs/buns. ouch.
t23: work, chillin @soapfactory for new year’s eve eve
w24: work, christmas eve @kyle and trish’s in SF, then to jeffrey et.al.’s house party that the cops busted like….4 times. woooo!
th25: christmas dinner @jack’s
f 26: work, jazz@bacar wine bar/restaurant with amanda and friends. quite nice.
sa27: sunny afternoon hike up the claremont canyon, friends over to loft to watch movies
su28: day of rest
m29: work, gym - step class + abs/buns. ouch again.
t30: work, went to see slumdog millionaire with ab+n in piedmont. good stuff.
w31: work, NYE @jack’s, then @monkeyfresh. went home relatively early (4am?), while others continued on unabashedly until thursday afternoon
thjan1: slept in, then went back to clean up NYE@monkeyfresh and hung out @ soaps until way late being silly
f2: slept in, live music @ireland’s 32, then to orange’s where we were tortured by a 2,000 piece puzzle until 2ish
sa3: alameda–>lake merritt–>concord running errands etc; then friends @loft until 4am
su4: indian brunch @ venus in downtown berkeley with ab+n, then drinking/games @albatross

today: work, gym, then focus group later tonight in SF
tomorrow: work, dinner with s+m (yay!)
wednesday: work, gym
th8: transportedSF

on couture poetry, originally uploaded by amyleblancdotcom.

“i feel like a good historically inspired poem should be like couture: fabulous and taking just enough of the historical to be reminiscent but not enough to be tacky.”

wefeelfine.org

constellated, originally uploaded by amyleblancdotcom.

the nexus facebook friend grapher @ http://www.nexus.ludios.net/ shows you how your facebook friends are related, either in a spiral or like this.

click through flickr to see notes on the groupings. i was shocked to remember that some people don’t know each other at all. most of the outliers are people i’ve worked with who i’ve never done anything with socially, and a few random internet friends. i don’t generally add people i’ve never met, or even people i’ve met more than once but have never had a private conversation with, but there are always exceptions.

and it made me grateful
and humbled
and angry
and sad
and reminded me how big this world is
and how lucky i am
and how important this life is
and why it is imperative to be Good
and seek Truth

Friend, hope for the truth while you are alive.
Jump into experience while you are alive!
What you call “salvation” belongs to the time before death.
If you don’t break your ropes while you are alive,
do you think ghosts will do it after?
The idea that the soul will join with the ecstatic
just because the body is rotten –
that is all fantasy.
What is found now is found then.
If you find nothing now, you will simply end up with
an empty apartment in the City of Death.
If you make love with the divine now, in the next life
you will have the face of satisfied desire.

~ Kabir (Indian mystic poet)

(thx jason for the poem)

happy new year….

may we all find the truths we seek in 2009.

Columnist David Brooks, commenting in the Dec. 16th New York Times about Malcolm Gladwell’s latest book called “Outliers,” made a statement as profound as it was accurate: “Control of attention is the ultimate individual power,” he wrote. “People who can do that are not prisoners of the stimuli around them.”

But why is that truer now than ten or twenty years ago? Why will it be truer still ten or twenty years from now? As I wrote in May, Internet distractions evolve to become ever more “distracting” all the time — like a virus. Distractions now “seek you out.”

Distractions mask the toll they take on productivity. Everyone finishes up their work days exhausted, but how much of that exhaustion is from real work, how much from the mental effort of fighting off distractions and how much from the indulgence of distractions?

Pundits like me are constantly talking about Facebook, Twitter, blogs and humor sites, not to mention old standbys like e-mail and IM. One gets the impression that we should be “following” these things all day long, and many do. So when does the work get done? When do entrepreneurs start and manage their businesses? When do writers write that novel? When do IT professionals keep the trains running on time? When does anyone do anything?

~via axelalbin@twitter. (ha!)

(i suck at the new work ethic.)

the new testament presented in glossy magazine format with graphic and touching photos and other text to “illuminate” the teachings of the bible and relate them to today’s world.

see a free 19-page excerpt here (PDF), in which poverty and hunger are addressed via Luke.

i know a few people for whom this would be a great gift.

~via

I grew up in Seattle, WA and was raised with the idea that money is equal to life energy and time and that it is important to spend less and wisely unless I wished to be constantly on the job and enslaved to a salary….

…To me it is seems exciting and inspiring to rely on our local communities, know our neighbors, grow our own food, barter/trade, craft our own clothes, fix our favorite pair of shoes, and enjoy each others company instead of passing the night away in front of cable TV with a frozen pizza made and packaged in Wisconsin and numbed thoughts. It gives us a positive creative way to utilize and conserve resources, combats isolation, gives us the chance to express skills that few jobs would allow, and lends to a more holistic sense of self that even folds art and spirituality back into our daily lives. It’s a revival of what I imagine my grandparents experienced growing up in rural farm towns, infused with urban DIY culture, activism, and spiritual consciousness. I know “hold on there you idealist hippie” you might be thinking, but I really think the time is ripe for it now more than ever.

It is a huge paradigm shift to think of spending less, needing less, and relying on one another more and I think this tends to comes across more like DEPRIVATION than FULFILLMENT to most Americans. Give up a Lexus and fancy French dinners before going to see “Les Miserables” to ride a bike thru the rain and play board games over home-made apple strudel? I think that living in a way that is not so strapped to the now-not-so-mighty-dollar, the ballooned American Dream, oil, and consumer materialism in general takes a lot of work, awareness, education, and commitment to alternatives. This lifestyle shift takes time to cultivate and also requires privilege to think about it in the first place and the right environment.

–from Surviving the Economic Meltdown: DANGER or OPPORTUNITY?

related: America’s New Year’s Resolution: Stop Being Stupid

and FYI: the chinese character for “crisis” does not equal “danger + opportunity”

right after i read this. i mean, i might as well. i certainly don’t want to be missing out on anything awesome on the internet, and if i don’t end up using it, oh well.

so, tweet me, or whatever.

i have this bath stuff that someone gave to me as a gift a while ago. it’s nicely packaged, and upon first glance looks like natural bath products - lavender scented, unbleached cotton carrier, leafy/floral graphics, etc. but it’s not - it’s made in china and it’s as unnatural as most standard beauty products you’d buy at target or walgreens unfortunately are, full of sulfates and chemicals. i have fairly sensitive skin and prefer natural products, so i haven’t used these items. the intention behind the gift was appreciated, but it’s not something i will use.

i have zero qualms about “regifting”. if someone gives me something that i’m not fond of or won’t use, i’m happy to pass it along to someone i think will like it or use it in the form of a gift. i don’t pass along crap - stuff that i don’t think anyone would want - unless it’s a white elephant party or something. so the other day we were going to visit a friend who is pregnant, and at the last minute i thought it would be nice to bring a gift. well, the only thing giftable i had in the house was this bathroom set - but then i had a conundrum. this person is very keyed into health and wellness, and i didn’t want to hand her a gift of cheap body products and have her think i was being, well, cheap. or that i am not aware of why using such products isn’t a good idea, particularly for a pregnant woman. so i didn’t give it to her. that, and i couldn’t bring myself to offer a gift of something i wouldn’t use myself for health reasons to a pregnant friend.

but then i was thinking about what to do with it, and for a brief moment i considered giving it as a gift to the woman who cleans my office. and then i caught myself: why was it suddenly ok for me to consider giving the gift to her but not my friend? is it fair to assume that it’s LESS likely that the cleaning woman cares as much about natural body products as my friend and i do? even if she isn’t as hyperconscious and would like the gift, is it right for me to give something to someone that i wouldn’t use on myself, even if they would like it? i decided that it wasn’t.

so the gift is still sitting on my shelf. i don’t know what to do with it. i can’t throw it away. i can’t give it to goodwill. i can’t give it to anyone i know. someone tell me what to do with this thing.