intellectual properties

the last laugh

recently on This American Life (which is just one of the best things ever, and in addition to the radio broadcast, i highly also recommend the televised/video portions, which you can get via Netflix etc.), they had an episode in which they were searching for funny funeral stories, and apparently this was a hard thing to find.

so i just want to put it in writing that when i die, i want there to be humor at my funeral. it’s ok if you cry too, but there better be some laughter. song and dance/skits/standup comendy/whatever. i’m imagining more of a posthumorous posthumous roast centered around poking fun at yet celebrating me, my life, and the things and people that i love than a funeral.

that is all.

clowning around

clowning around, originally uploaded by amyleblancdotcom.

experimenting with make-up in the bathroom by myself.  this is how i often relax and take my mind off things.  i am 33 years old. is that weird?

the results are in

in the ongoing saga of my body pain (10 weeks in):

first, as reported, since i modified my desk at work to be a standing desk, my daily pain level has all but disappeared unless i do something bad to aggravate it. this is GREAT, but the condition is still there, and can be aggravated.

the results of my MRI last friday are as such:

there is, still, as of last friday, 9+ weeks after the pain started, a continuing deep muscle spasm going on in my upper back that has been unresponsive to heat, massage, and muscle relaxers. the muscle spasm is also constricting all the other muscles around it and is likely what’s causing most of the pain.

also, two of the discs in my upper spine/neck are “bulging”, one of which is impeding the movement of my spinal cord, but probably not causing much of the pain/discomfort as i don’t have too many nerve-related symptoms, but the bulging discs could be what’s causing the muscle spasm, but maybe not. inconclusive.

at this point, there is nothing more really to do other than what i am already doing to try to relieve the muscle spasm and ease the pressure on my discs as well as strengthen the muscles around my spine. modifying my life to do these things and also avoid aggravating this problem hasn’t been difficult, but i’m not sure what it means for the long haul (i can’t stand and work for the rest of my life, i’m pretty sure). unfortunately the fact is that as you age, problems like this only get worse, but i’m trying not to think too much about that right now. i’m just relieved there is SOME explanation, and knowing that there was nothing worse going on and that i’m doing all the right things is a huge relief. sigh.

status update: week six

so, here i am, in the Sixth Week of Pain (now with CAPS!), with an update since the last post.

if you’ve been following along (i’m pretty sure most of you have stopped reading by now, but this is my life-blog, so sometimes the mundane takes precedence over the political/arty/witty; don’t worry, your regularly scheduled programing will return at some point), you know after many weeks of seeing chiro and massage therapists with no results, yesterday i saw a family practice doctor (who specializes in GERIATRICS - how old am i getting?) about my back problem (ongoing since at least 2004), and his medical opinion is that i do not have symptoms of anything major (nerve damage, slipped discs, arthritis, etc) and that it is all probably due to muscular stress and contractions, most likely attributable to many (15? 1994-present) years sitting at desks/in front of computers for 8+ hours a day with less than perfect posture (good news if true, but contrary to that of my chiro; bad news, as that is what i do for a living; but good news in that if it is self-inflicted it is therefore self-curable). he gave me an Rx for a muscle relaxant, tips on avoiding bad head posture, and told me to come back in 2 weeks if the pain was still present.

i stressed that i was in daily pain and that it was affecting my work, and that i had already done everything i could over the past six weeks to address the problem with no improvement, and he said he understood and he said that he would also request an MRI from the health insurance company to see if there was something else going on but wasn’t feeling too confident that it would get approval, as they usually reserve that for more “extreme” situations with different symptom patterns (loss of movement, numbness in extremeties, etc). i will know by the end of this week or maybe next monday if the MRI is approved. i almost started to cry right then and there, but didn’t. (i had already cried on the way to work yesterday morning, and but held out until AFTER i left the doctors office to cry again.) he said the best thing for now would be for me to take the muscle relaxer and actively avoid anything that aggravates the situation until it calms itself down. if it doesn’t resolve itself, he will refer me to another specialist in January.

i can’t take the muscle relaxer AND function at work (causes me to fall asleep) and so can’t take it during the day if i’m in the office, which is where i feel the most pain.  after taking the relaxant last night (and totally passing out cold), i felt about 80% better this morning than i did yesterday morning (yay!). the pain/stiffness is still present, sitting at my desk still hurts, but i think if i can avoid aggravating it, the muscles will slowly relax and get better. hopefully.

so now i am going to work short days today/tomorrow, take this thursday off and have a long weekend in Tahoe with some of my bestest friends where i will do no computering or sitting at desks and lot of lying on the floor and in hottubs, take the relaxants, and hope it goes away.  i am also working on a plan to modify my desk to standing position, but in the meantime i’m working on modifying it myself as much as possible and taking long breaks between sitting.

so that’s it. an obvious diagnosis from the doc, and i’m not sure if it’s true, but i’m hoping. it’s sunny today, and the silver lining has been spotted. (fingers crossed)

many thx to all who have offered kind words of support, advice, and encouragement.

status report

because a number of people have asked….i am feeling ok. starting my 5th week of pain now, and despite numerous visits to various doctors and bodyworkers (and numerous $$), condition not really getting any better.  working less and doing more to address the pain, so most of the time it’s not too bad, but as soon as forget to think about my posture or sit at my desk, or even here on my couch with my laptop, for too long it hurts again in less than half an hour. man it reallysucks someone who is as addicted to the internet as i am can no longer sit at a computer without it hurting.

if i’m not sitting, the pain isn’t super bad, just constant.  i think at this point i feel more depressed mentally that my whole life is going to be out of whack for longer than anticipated.  i’m trying to make lemonade (vacation! visit family!) and thinking short time that is easy, but thinking long term (what will i do for work?!) is deflating.

i feel like i’m in a kind of intense independent study re: my body.  reading about symtoms, causes,  treatments.  relearning musculoskeletal system.  spending hours at the gym, strengthening my upper body. chiropractic has been quite informational but has been little to no help.  latest theory is that i have a disc out of alignment and it’s causing nerve pain from the center of my spine up and across my shoulders, kind of in butterfly pattern.  next week i’m going to a regular MD to see if i can get an MRI, and maybe even some drugs! maybe i’m an idiot for not trying drugs (muscle relaxers? antinflammatories?) in the first place, i dunno.  but this problem has been reoccuring so i figure an investigation into the root cause is prudent.

so that’s the status update.  thx for everyone who’s had suggestions, recommendations, advice, or shared their own personal anecdotes wrt back pain or pain management in general.  i apologize that this has dominated a lot of personal conversation (in person and online), but it’s dominating my life at this point, so really, it’s all i have to talk about.

holding down the power button

have you tried turning it off and on again?

i need a reset button.  i realized a while ago, that for 2004-2008, i had a weeklong rebooting procedure that took place in the middle of the desert where i drank a gallon of water every day and ate very little and rode my bike for miles and danced for hours every day.  some people go to burning man and toxify themselves;  i was always detoxing.  some people go to yoga retreats in bali to do this kind of thing, to eat sparingly and meditate and flush and cleanse.  for 5 years i did it at burning man. and this year, i did not have that.  my mind was ok with it, the not going, because i had europe instead! but i don’t think my body was.  and traveling around europe for a month instead was the opposite, physically, drinking wine at all hours and smoking cigarettes and hookahs and eating all kinds of rich creamy fattening foods because there was nothing else and yes walking but not in the hot sun and not for all night and sleeping 10-12 hours a day is not exercise.  and i think that this is true, and if there’s anything i now regret about not going to burning man this year it is that i did not get this physical reboot.

and yes now, not to keep going on about it, but my body hurts. and i need TIME to find some other way to reboot.  and my boss, he is so kind, he today agreed that i should be at work less, sitting in my chair less, and that i can cut the number of hours my butt is in this chair and it will be fine.  and also that i can have someone build me a standing desk configuration, so that the hours i am here will be better.  and while it didn’t take the pain away, at least i think i’ll have more time to Focus On My Body now, more time for therapy appointments and yoga and walking and things, and less time sitting. this is good news.

on to other topics, for the rest of 2009 it looks like a lot of low-key hibernatory activities, although we are going to Tahoe for Christmas (yay!) and so i will actually see some snow this year. the chain of christmas holiday parties starts this friday night and lasts until around 1/1 (i don’t have any plans for NYE yet and i don’t plan on making any either). i haven’t had a drink in 9 days (i sound like an alcoholic but this is for cleansing/healing reasons, not addiction reasons, i swear) and i intend to stay sober until around sunset on 12/31. this makes holiday parties slightly less fun, but not a big deal. lack of hangovers makes up for it.

and while i’ve been bitching and moaning (literally) a lot these past few weeks (and to those of you who have had to put up with it IRL, please be kind enough to forgive any snappy retorts, evil eyes, or frustrated outbursts you may have been the recipient of or been witness to; i swear i am not really like this), today i feel optimistic, and am once again counting my blessings instead of curses. most of those blessings are people, and i am most thankful for the lot of wonderful humans in my life who make this whole l-i-v-i-n thing bearable.

carry on.

(aside: for the full first episode of The IT Crowd, quoted and linked in the first line, click here. awesome sauce.)

what i am thankful for

re: the last post, although i contend that i find meaningful ways to celebrate and recognize the christmas holiday, because i’m generally against gifts and cutting down trees and decorating my house, many people think i’m a grinch.

i have also in the past fasted on Thanksgiving as a way of being thankful for food, and also as a protest against, again, over-consumption as well as colonialism and revisionist American history.  and while i recognize that those pilgrims were simply giving thanks for a bountiful harvest, i also sympathize with the Native Americans who see it as a celebration of genocide, and find the whole eat-unhealthy-food-until-you’re-sick-and-then-lay-around-watching-television tradition to be rather symbolic of all that is WRONG with America, not all that’s right. (but that’s what we’re doing today anyway! haha!)

and i realize that this attitude, these beliefs, seem either a) pretentious, b) self-righteous, or c) spiteful to some people, particularly people in my family, and i wish i could find a way to frame my point of view without seeming that way.  but I AM GRATEFUL. i am.  i have my own ways of celebrating the world, and recognizing the beauty and joys of life, and giving back, and giving thanks.  they just aren’t traditional, as the traditions don’t resonate with me.

this thanksgiving, I AM THANKFUL FOR:

my family, whom i miss more and more every day, including the ones who i argue online with ;), and the one thing i do really miss about celebrating the holidays is seeing my family

jay, who is my partner and the only person who understands me, most of the time, except when we’re fighting about stupid things.  but i am extremely grateful we only really fight about stupid things, and not the big things. <3

my good health, which i become more and more grateful for every day, as i have been increasingly experiencing the signs of aging and I AM NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT but i am still grateful to have had 33+ years of above average good health (knockamilliontimesonwood)

my friends, near and far, who continue to inspire me and make me laugh and show me the world through their eyes, from Alaska to Moscow, Santiago to Berlin — a world without friends is no world at all.

my job and my coworkers, who are earnest and believe in making the world a better place

and finally, again despite my objections and criticisms and wishing-things-were-different, this holiday i realize how thankful and grateful i am for America, and to be an American.  despite all the problems here in the U.S.,  despite all the fighting and corruption, i am constantly reminded when reading the world news every day that i was blessed to be born here, with the rights and privileges of U.S. citizenship, and not somewhere else, and that even though we have diverging viewpoints on how to achieve them, most americans have the same interests at heart, and there is solidarity in that.  this is also why i find it so difficult to remain quiet - to not say how i feel about politics or economics or democracy, why i can’t “let it slide” when someone makes a racist remark or a sexist slur or tries to justify keeping rights and privileges from one group while giving it to another - because passive democracy is not a democracy.  Passivism is not how America was born, and if it continues to be the cultural norm, how America will fail.  i know i get on my soapbox every now and again, but it is in defense of these things i am thankful for about America.  in an age of censorship, corporate media and misinformation, i am grateful that if we want it, we all have a voice.

and now, we are on our way north toward dinner.

where i am right now

“the mark has been made, do you encounter the strength to stand next to it?”

–@faernworks

this almost made me cry.

counted blessings

i need to be grateful today. this morning i am grateful for, in no particular order:

the sun;

my bike commute, which is long enough yet easy enough to warm my body and mind up in the morning, and then bring it down in the afternoon on the way home, and allows me time outside i would not otherwise get;

my body, although giving me problems lately, is beautiful and healthy and strong;

my best friend and lover, who loves me perfectly enough to comfort me when needed but never shelter me, giving me the feeling that he’s always there like a rock to stand on, but that i have to have my own wings to fly;

my friends and family, near and far, who send such beautiful messages and share their lives with me; even if i haven’t seen you in weeks months or years i am grateful for you, and grateful for the internet for keeping us in touch :);

for the 3 cities i live in, so beautiful and diverse and containing everything i need, from amazing food to glorious vistas to a deeply invested artist community to progressive culture where citizens recognize that the problems we face are cause for growth, not fear. having travelled so far recently, i can say that this is one of the best places in the world to live without hesitation;

the freedoms of america, which allow me to feel informed, connected, empowered and involved in my world. having just travelled through and read the histories of places recovering from the iron curtain of malformed communism, i am evermore aware of the value of our freedoms. with all the liberties taken by differing social and political groups, i may not always like what i see or hear others doing, but i will defend their right to say or do it as long as you are not limiting or infringing on the right of anyone else;

for my employer, which allows me to both be myself and work for causes i believe in, flexible enough to let everyone lead full lives but earnest and focused enough to really get things done;

the opportunities all these things combined have afforded me, which i cannot compare to anyone else’s for they alone are mine;

and finally, for all which provides for me that i cannot see, feel, hear, taste, smell or comprehend. i will not speak of God, but there is more to life than what we know.

the best is yet to come

i know, i know, a million things to write and note about our trip, but honestly there is so much that it’s taking some time to form it all in my mind. the sidenotes, the details, the overarching themes. i am organizing them in my brain, but they don’t want to come out just yet.  i’m also making a scrapbook, and jay’s making photobooks, and these processes affect the writing, and so there’s a lot to be done.  the problem, for me, with blogging large amounts of autobiographical content is that there are no deadlines (obvi, i wrote my BM08 post almost 12 months after the event), but i’m going to give myself one: by next monday morning, i need to have my posts written and my momentos organized.

i should have taken time to write notes while we were traveling, and i did from Amsterdam to Berlin.  but then it felt like i was doing this, and constantly taking notes in my head about what i would write instead of actually DOING the things, and that i wasn’t really “unplugging” if i kept drafting blog posts in my head. and so i stopped.  this would be disasterous for autobiographical reasons it weren’t for the photos we took, which help me remember the order of operations, and i’m sure there are things that i have already forgotten.

i also read 3 excellent books in the past 6 weeks and am on the 4th, and these are causing all kinds of interference with wanting to write autobiographical things.  the books! they are so thought-provoking.  i want to write about them instead.

so this is not just a “i’m blogging but i’m not” post, here is a thought, on which i ruminated much while travelling:

these days i am more and more greatly appreciating and admiring and taking inspiration from the people in my life who are living unconventional lives, whether “successful” or not.  when we were in our 20s, this was sort of expected - after college you joined the Peace Corps or volunteered in some 3rd world country, or traveled around the world, or tried being an artist/musician, or worked at starting your own company (if you are dot.commer, maybe you got lucky), but for a large percentage of people, after a few years of trying to wrangle the world into your dreams, many got married, settled down, bought houses, had children, and secured “regular” jobs. not that there’s anything wrong with that; for many, those few years were enough and settling down WAS their dream, and i fully support that, but i’d be lying if i said it was inspirational to me personally. so moving into our mid-30s, with many of my friends now approaching or passing 40, those people in my life who are still forging their own paths, struggling to maintain their business and not sell their souls to pay the bills (especially true for artists, musicians, and photogs), i am finding great comfort in them, despite their repeated exasperations over the difficulties, the stress, the waves of success and defeat.

i find myself currently realizing how “middle path” i am these days, and wondering if this is just my rather taoist nature, if maybe this is my true self and i am not who i thought i was, or if i have fears i am not addressing preventing me from actualizing my potential. these friends and colleagues, especially the strong women in my life (because no matter how much equality we have gained, we are still not equal), remind me that taking chances and pushing lines is really important, and that the adage about regretting more the things in life you didn’t do than the things you did is a truth.  i get annoyed by people who look at my life and tell me i’ve got it made and so i should “be happy with what i’ve got” when i start to complain/ruminate on who else i could be, what else i could be doing.  no, i’m sorry: i am happy, but i will not “just be happy”. this is my life.  i want more.