intellectual properties

alignment

i am.
i mean:
i know.
i think too much about it.
i do.

and all of the things….

who are you next once you’ve metamorphosed a dozen times already?

i went to yoga tonight and my mind was racing during meditation
but i think it was OK;
i thought a lot about things that make me feel good
as i twisted my body into alignment.

even the fact that it (everything) is so much harder now at 33 than it was at 23:
i had an ok reflection on that.
mostly: you can come back, baby -
rock and roll never forgets.

sleeping beauty

i’ve been reading and linking to a lot so there’s a lot going on over here @GoogleReader and here@twitter, but no so much here. because, well, not to go on again about exhaustion, but oh man am i so tired, and it takes energy to write.  so many nights without good sleep. lying in bed.  twisting. turning. thinking.

first, last week my (now) chronic shoulder/neck pain spiked again, to the point that on last friday morning i was shriveled and exhausted and crying on the couch and jay made me to to the ER. what for? they won’t tell me anything new. DRUGS, that’s what for. but it turns out, the drugs, they don’t work miracles, and in fact, somehow, vicodin keeps me AWAKE. WHO KNEW.  as it has been for the past 6 months, the pain comes in waves, and now today, is subsiding back down to a point where it’s only slightly aggravating. i’m just more mentally frustrated than anything else.

then, just as i was feeling better, the boy half went and crashed on his mount bike something fierce, and so now HE’s the one taking all the drugs and rolling around in bed all uncomfortable from pain, and i have not had a good night’s sleep in over a week. and yet, somehow, even if i crawl in bed at 9:00pm, i still can’t go to sleep.  sometimes for hours and hours. insomnia sucks.

so while i intended to write something this week about, i don’t know, all the other crap going on in the world, right now all i want to do is go home and crawl in bed with my cat. which, by the way, i recently learned on This American Life, people from other cultures find weird, that americans sleep with their cats. huh.

i am only coming through in waves

the approximate scale is 15 to 30:
a nice-looking spectrum in its duplicity,
but there’s a lot of room in the middle.

my right arm is barely alive.
one of my least attractive personality traits
is that when i’m in pain i whine.
how much does it hurt?
i don’t know if i have a low threshold for pain or for complaining.

sailing through the wet-green and foggy-blue,
today is not the first day i wished my bike commute was longer.

a little less death

there’s a lot i should / could / would say about my own life right now to counterbalance all the photos of myself, which makes me seem really vain, or like i spend a lot of time taking/getting photos taken  of myself (….) and not any time doing much else.  but i am doing much else. so much, in fact, i’m exhausted.  well, if i wrote it all down:

get up. later than most people who have jobs.
drink coffee, read emails.
put on bike clothes.
ride bike to work (4.2 miles/23 minutes, flat terrain.)
change from bike clothes to work clothes (from pile i have stashed under my desk.  i wonder if my coworkers have noticed my wardrobe is now 3 outfits?)
eat something (usu organic fat free plain yogurt and raw fruit)
work. on stuff.
drink more coffee.
eat something (usually salad but sometimes indian or thai)
work on stuff (usually proposal documents and spreadsheets).
change from work clothes back to bike clothes.
ride bike to gym (3.5 miles)
change from bike clothes to gym clothes.
gym (usually weight lifting for about an hour, steam/shower etc for 20 mins or so)
change from gym clothes back into bike clothes.
ride bike home from gym (1.5 miles, 9 mins) or go somewhere to eat (usu ethiopian or something involving vegetables, beans, and salad)
change into home clothes.
weekdays: watch tv/movies/internet.
weekends: all kinds of exhausting shit that involved a lot of standing/moving/dancing/dressing/undressing for hours and hours.
go to sleep.
repeat.

it might not seem like a lot to some of you, who get up at 6am (9 on the weekends!) have toddlers and 1-hour commutes and mortgages and whatnot, but it’s a lot for me, apparently, because did i mention i’m exhausted?  seriously.  naps are being taken. and yes i eat enough and sure, maybe i should knock off the caffeine for a while and i am still dealing with this damned chronic pain issue which takes more out of me than i can even believe, actually. that’s not the point here.

instead of writing more about all that because, while i am exhausted, i’m also aware that most of it - except for those weekendy parts that produce photos - is very boring, which is why only the fun parts are being posted. no one blogs about the tedium of life anymore. that’s so 2002. you must be TOPICAL. and i am not of mind to be a topical blogger. politics? fashion? art? music? i don’t have it in me to journalistically focus on anything. i’m just not interested in being a topical blogger.

anyway, ok, well, in fact, some people do blog about “life”, subjectively, without topical focus. and do it well, and those are actually my favorite things to read online. like ramona. or this guy, and i’m sorry to be such a fangirl and repeatedly implore you to read somewhere else but i think his writing often borders on PERFECTION, which will be more clear to you if you click through and read this right now.

so maybe part of me is not writing much because i am reading all of these other great personal bloggers and i know i am nowhere near up to par. maybe if i tried? who knows. but for some reason i don’t even want to try. i think i’m kind of over it.

flavor of the week

i seem to be in the habit of quoting things without much comment lately.

oh well. anyway.

today it’s this:

“So you can’t be everything to everyone. You have to just be you. The various of versions of you that there are. Sometimes you will be internet you, sometimes you will be real life you. Sometimes you will be grumpy jerkoff you, and sometimes you will be hat-in-hand apologetic you. Sometimes you will be that you who comes out and makes everyone go “Man, I wanna buy that guy a beer” and you’ll go “self, where does that guy GO and could he come out more often?” and your self will go “hey, we are ALL you. Go easier on us, be as nice to us as you are to everyone else, stop trying to be liked by everyone, and we’ll see what we can do.”

So I’m finally learning that it’s okay to not be liked by everyone. I’m even learning that it’s okay to stand up for yourself, to do right by yourself, even if it’s uncomfortable and awkward, even if it means people you in fact like might turn around and dislike you. Even if it means everyone might dislike you.”

–leah @ oh, hey great

i’ve been stewing on this subject a lot lately. i won’t get too personal here in this public place, especially since before i’ve even written this i know it’s going to reek of self pity and that’s not at all what i am trying to say or want reactions to be responsive to, but anyway: i go through periods where i start to get the feeling that more people don’t like me than i was previously aware of.  meaning, of the people i spend time with (in all the various ways/places i spend my time, this is a lot of people, so i am not talking about close personal friends, but people i see/work with/hang out with repeatedly), i suddenly feel like, maybe when i walk into a room, they don’t care about saying hello.  and i understand why.  because it’s no coincidence that these same periods are the time when i am least liking myself, times when it seems like “THAT girl” who is one of the many versions of Me who lives inside me that neither i nor anyone else likes has been out more than the version who is compassionate, joyful, enthusiastic, fun, etc.  so i don’t blame them, these people who i’m pretty sure don’t feel like saying hello to me anymore, or calling me, or txting me, or communicating online.  it’s ok. i know if i’m being the me that *I* like, then more people will like me, and vice versa. duh.

recently, 2 things brought this all into a bit more focus for me personally.  ok, probably more than 2, but 2 are what i will point to right now.

1. I am not a morning person. one of my newer coworkers is.  not long ago she was prodding me because i never give her a super friendly “GOOD MORNING! HOW ARE YOU?” at the office.  i usually just mumble “Hi” and try to wake up while reading my email and drinking coffee before actually speaking to anyone.  i jokingly responded with something like “You haven’t worked here long enough if you think you can turn me into a morning person.”  from the other room, my boss, whom i’ve worked with 40 hours a week for 10 years, chimes in: “Yeah, but maybe you could try being nice.”

ouch.

2. I recently visited my family, and had a difficult time not feeling like a judgmental bitch, when really i just care so deeply about them that it’s somewhat difficult for me to not comment on certain lifestyle choices, which i know causes friction and makes me seem holier-than-thou. i am aware of this. could i comment more compassionately?  Yes, and in the future, i will try. i promise.

So there we have 2 cases in which people who know me very well/have spent a lot of time with me were not liking me, or, maybe in the 2nd case, even though no one directly said anything by the end of the 3rd or 4th day i was feeling like they weren’t liking me, because i was not liking myself in that situation.  These do not even account for all the other people in my life who i’m pretty sure i’ve rubbed the wrong way recently, with a comment or a look or a something.

the crux of all this appears to be that while “being yourself” is key to authenticity, and yes this means that some people will not like you and that is OK, it is also important to be your best self, a self that you like, whether anyone else does or not. using the excuse that being a sour, judgmental person is just “who you are” does no one any good, even if it’s true.

back to the point:  why i go through cycles where the version of me who is most present in my life is someone i don’t like is something i am trying to investigate. it’s ok for other  people to dislike me.  it’s not ok for me to dislike me. that is dysfunctional.

update/addendum, from my comment on the original post:

thx to leah @ohheygreat for being brave enough to start the conversation and writing about this, as it’s something i’ve been stewing about for a while but felt…..immature? for even thinking about, like this is something that only teenagers should be concerned with and once you reach a certain age you should stop giving a f**k if anyone likes you.  but the truth is, some of us never thinking about it (and what it means about yourself if you realize that you’re unlikable), which to me is a sign of self-awareness, but a lot of older people just repress the hell out of these thoughts because it’s seen as a sign of weakness or something and succumb to accepting themselves as an “angry old wo/man”, believing that’s “who they are” and that there is no point in trying to change, which is sad to me.

the last laugh

recently on This American Life (which is just one of the best things ever, and in addition to the radio broadcast, i highly also recommend the televised/video portions, which you can get via Netflix etc.), they had an episode in which they were searching for funny funeral stories, and apparently this was a hard thing to find.

so i just want to put it in writing that when i die, i want there to be humor at my funeral. it’s ok if you cry too, but there better be some laughter. song and dance/skits/standup comendy/whatever. i’m imagining more of a posthumorous posthumous roast centered around poking fun at yet celebrating me, my life, and the things and people that i love than a funeral.

that is all.

clowning around

clowning around, originally uploaded by amyleblancdotcom.

experimenting with make-up in the bathroom by myself.  this is how i often relax and take my mind off things.  i am 33 years old. is that weird?

the results are in

in the ongoing saga of my body pain (10 weeks in):

first, as reported, since i modified my desk at work to be a standing desk, my daily pain level has all but disappeared unless i do something bad to aggravate it. this is GREAT, but the condition is still there, and can be aggravated.

the results of my MRI last friday are as such:

there is, still, as of last friday, 9+ weeks after the pain started, a continuing deep muscle spasm going on in my upper back that has been unresponsive to heat, massage, and muscle relaxers. the muscle spasm is also constricting all the other muscles around it and is likely what’s causing most of the pain.

also, two of the discs in my upper spine/neck are “bulging”, one of which is impeding the movement of my spinal cord, but probably not causing much of the pain/discomfort as i don’t have too many nerve-related symptoms, but the bulging discs could be what’s causing the muscle spasm, but maybe not. inconclusive.

at this point, there is nothing more really to do other than what i am already doing to try to relieve the muscle spasm and ease the pressure on my discs as well as strengthen the muscles around my spine. modifying my life to do these things and also avoid aggravating this problem hasn’t been difficult, but i’m not sure what it means for the long haul (i can’t stand and work for the rest of my life, i’m pretty sure). unfortunately the fact is that as you age, problems like this only get worse, but i’m trying not to think too much about that right now. i’m just relieved there is SOME explanation, and knowing that there was nothing worse going on and that i’m doing all the right things is a huge relief. sigh.

status update: week six

so, here i am, in the Sixth Week of Pain (now with CAPS!), with an update since the last post.

if you’ve been following along (i’m pretty sure most of you have stopped reading by now, but this is my life-blog, so sometimes the mundane takes precedence over the political/arty/witty; don’t worry, your regularly scheduled programing will return at some point), you know after many weeks of seeing chiro and massage therapists with no results, yesterday i saw a family practice doctor (who specializes in GERIATRICS - how old am i getting?) about my back problem (ongoing since at least 2004), and his medical opinion is that i do not have symptoms of anything major (nerve damage, slipped discs, arthritis, etc) and that it is all probably due to muscular stress and contractions, most likely attributable to many (15? 1994-present) years sitting at desks/in front of computers for 8+ hours a day with less than perfect posture (good news if true, but contrary to that of my chiro; bad news, as that is what i do for a living; but good news in that if it is self-inflicted it is therefore self-curable). he gave me an Rx for a muscle relaxant, tips on avoiding bad head posture, and told me to come back in 2 weeks if the pain was still present.

i stressed that i was in daily pain and that it was affecting my work, and that i had already done everything i could over the past six weeks to address the problem with no improvement, and he said he understood and he said that he would also request an MRI from the health insurance company to see if there was something else going on but wasn’t feeling too confident that it would get approval, as they usually reserve that for more “extreme” situations with different symptom patterns (loss of movement, numbness in extremeties, etc). i will know by the end of this week or maybe next monday if the MRI is approved. i almost started to cry right then and there, but didn’t. (i had already cried on the way to work yesterday morning, and but held out until AFTER i left the doctors office to cry again.) he said the best thing for now would be for me to take the muscle relaxer and actively avoid anything that aggravates the situation until it calms itself down. if it doesn’t resolve itself, he will refer me to another specialist in January.

i can’t take the muscle relaxer AND function at work (causes me to fall asleep) and so can’t take it during the day if i’m in the office, which is where i feel the most pain.  after taking the relaxant last night (and totally passing out cold), i felt about 80% better this morning than i did yesterday morning (yay!). the pain/stiffness is still present, sitting at my desk still hurts, but i think if i can avoid aggravating it, the muscles will slowly relax and get better. hopefully.

so now i am going to work short days today/tomorrow, take this thursday off and have a long weekend in Tahoe with some of my bestest friends where i will do no computering or sitting at desks and lot of lying on the floor and in hottubs, take the relaxants, and hope it goes away.  i am also working on a plan to modify my desk to standing position, but in the meantime i’m working on modifying it myself as much as possible and taking long breaks between sitting.

so that’s it. an obvious diagnosis from the doc, and i’m not sure if it’s true, but i’m hoping. it’s sunny today, and the silver lining has been spotted. (fingers crossed)

many thx to all who have offered kind words of support, advice, and encouragement.

status report

because a number of people have asked….i am feeling ok. starting my 5th week of pain now, and despite numerous visits to various doctors and bodyworkers (and numerous $$), condition not really getting any better.  working less and doing more to address the pain, so most of the time it’s not too bad, but as soon as forget to think about my posture or sit at my desk, or even here on my couch with my laptop, for too long it hurts again in less than half an hour. man it reallysucks someone who is as addicted to the internet as i am can no longer sit at a computer without it hurting.

if i’m not sitting, the pain isn’t super bad, just constant.  i think at this point i feel more depressed mentally that my whole life is going to be out of whack for longer than anticipated.  i’m trying to make lemonade (vacation! visit family!) and thinking short time that is easy, but thinking long term (what will i do for work?!) is deflating.

i feel like i’m in a kind of intense independent study re: my body.  reading about symtoms, causes,  treatments.  relearning musculoskeletal system.  spending hours at the gym, strengthening my upper body. chiropractic has been quite informational but has been little to no help.  latest theory is that i have a disc out of alignment and it’s causing nerve pain from the center of my spine up and across my shoulders, kind of in butterfly pattern.  next week i’m going to a regular MD to see if i can get an MRI, and maybe even some drugs! maybe i’m an idiot for not trying drugs (muscle relaxers? antinflammatories?) in the first place, i dunno.  but this problem has been reoccuring so i figure an investigation into the root cause is prudent.

so that’s the status update.  thx for everyone who’s had suggestions, recommendations, advice, or shared their own personal anecdotes wrt back pain or pain management in general.  i apologize that this has dominated a lot of personal conversation (in person and online), but it’s dominating my life at this point, so really, it’s all i have to talk about.