intellectual properties

impressions of Alaska (travelogue)

day1/SatMay5: seattle
early morning departure from SFO, arrived early afternoon, took a cab to the 11th Avenue Inn B&B (highly recommended), settled in to the great little stand-alone apartment they gave us, and since it was a rare gorgeous sunny afternoon in Seattle, headed out for a walk to Volunteer park a short distance away, which was crowded with Cindo de Mayo festivities. wandered back, found Plum, an excellent vegan restaurant and had a late lunch.
later rendezvoused with longtime internet friend @OffbeatAriel and Andreas and little Tavi at Cal Anderson park, and then hit the bar/restaurant district for a long succession of beers and food. the night of Cinco de Mayo is a parade of trainwrecks, and we found most of it to be too loud and crowded, but Elysian Brewery was best, hands down.
fitbit data: 20,266/8.85 miles/33 floors

day2/SunMay6: seattle
slept in, had brunch, went wandering downtown/waterfront, found a nice little cocktail bar – the ZigZag Cafe – tucked away on one of the many sets of stairs that go between the bluff under the Alaskan Way Viaduct and to the waterfront. then walked back up to Capitol hill for vegetarian Thai food and off to bed.
steps: 16,249/7.1 miles/33 floors

day3/MonMay7: seattle
had breakfast at the B&B, where we met some cool people from Harlem who coincidentally also work in the fields of energy (he) and art (she) and talked to them for a long while about all that and New York, moved/walked to the hotel where the families were staying, went back down to the waterfront with Jay’s mom and stepdad, my family arrives, we all rendezvous for dinner at a pizza joint, took another walk to a comic book store and around town and then to the Space Needle before sunset. went to bed early for an early morning departure.
steps: 23,315/10.18 miles/26 floors

me, my mom, my sister, and my niece at the Space Needle

day4/TuesMay8: seattle, embarkation, out to sea
wake up, hustle to get everyone into the shuttle and to the dock, go through ship boarding process, settle into the room and boat life. it was another really gorgeous day for Seattle and we sat up on deck in the sun while the all the boarding etc happened. had family dinner, went to some shows (song and dance, comedy), and then late in the evening found that the on-board disco was 100% empty, and we all know how i love an empty dancefloor and so i danced my ass off in my own private disco for at least an hour before bed.
steps: 17,710/8.81 miles/78 floors

day5/WedMay9: at sea
this was a really long day. overnight we encountered a huge pacific swell, and the boat was rolling around all over the place. not only was it rolling constantly, our room also kept shaking like an earthquake (due to being close to the engines? i dunno) and we could barely sleep. tons of people got sick – the crew had placed little stashes of barf bags all over the place, stuck on doorways and elevators. i thought i was immune to the seasickness until i tried to go to the gym and run on the treadmill. WRONG ANSWER. had dinner, went to some shows on board and basically just lolled around on unsteady sealegs.
steps: 13,765/6.05 miles and 177 floors!

(sidenote on all the steps: yes, we were on a boat. but it was a BIG boat, and i made it a point to not sit still too long, and to never take an elevator, which on a boat that was 11 stories tall with stuff on every level can be a lot. so many of those steps are up and down, up and down stairs and through the many long tunnel hallways of the boat trying to find the other 8 members of my party. and then in every port city, we weren’t much for the tourist attractions so we just WALKED.)

day6/ThurMay10: Tracy Arm Fjord, AK (on boat)
on this day the boat took a trip up into the Tracy Arm Fjord to South Sawyer Glacier. a beautiful scenic trip, though the weather was quite drizzly and cold on deck. the boat drove right up into the ice. it was pretty cool. evening was more shows/bar hopping on board.
steps: 11,186/5.08 miles/77 floors

day7/FriMay11: Skagway, AK
Skagway is a tiny port town of about 10 square blocks and 800 people, but for some reason, despite there being almost nothing there, this was one of our longest ports of call. we got off the boat around 11am and wandered into town. by this point i was really really really really ready to get off the boat. all the swaying/moving and constant vibrating was killing me. after a run through town we went back to dock, met up with all the rest of our families, and boarded a train to the White Pass & Yukon Route for a ride up into the mountains. it was nice and scenic, albeit freezing cold. the landscape quickly turned from spring by the coast to fresh piles of snow over the pass.

back down the mountain and back into Skagway. not only was the boat motion making us physically ill, but the food and beverages on board were also not quite up to our foodie-par and my mostly-vegan gastro-intestinal sensitivities (the only saving grace being that we sat down to formal dinners every night, not eating from the neverending fast food buffet, and the food in the dining room was good, AND they had vegetarian indian food for an option every night, which i had 5 out of the 6 nights we ate dinner there, so THANK YOU TO WHOEVER DECIDED TO PUT THAT AS A PERMANENT ITEM ON THE MENU!) and so we were eager to 1. stay on land as long as possible and 2. get some good beer and food in us, so we headed for the local brewery – Skagway Brewing Co. – that we had spotted earlier. this place was great – we had a few good microbrews and decent dinner, and then it was time to get back on the boat.
steps: 15,387/6.72 miles/74 floors

day8/SatMay12: Juneau, AK
we woke up early in port in Juneau and the weather was still really crappy, so we wondered if our Big Adventure scheduled for that day – helicopter to a glacier, and then wintery dogsledding – was going to happen. we called, and were told that indeed the higher altitudes were socked in with fog (which we saw going up only 2800 feet on the train in Skagway) and that they had gotten over 10 feet of new snow in the last 2 days. still fully winter up there at altitude. so there wasn’t enough visibility for them to take us up to the dogsledding camp in the helicopter, but they did downgrade us to just a helicopter ride to a different location. a little bummed, but still excited!!

we got off the ship around 8:15am and were shuttled from port out to the Juneau airport. after a short briefing and some gear additions, we were separated into groups of 6 and piled into the helicopters. we put on the headphones, he started the copter, and woop! up we went! i think because i was the smallest person in our crew, i got the best seat! jay was sitting right next to the pilot in the front seat, and then i was right next to him, next to the window, which in a helicopter is like one big bubble so i could see everything around and below me. we went up and all of the bays and riverways and valleys and mountains around Juneau appeared. really quite amazing, and we could see for quite a ways even though it was misty/foggy at elevation. jay says the helicopter was going 140 mph, but it sure didn’t feel like it. it felt like floating. we then arrived at the valley where the glacier was, the pilot swooped around a few times, pointed out the mountain goats, and then landed us right on the glacier. it was pretty slippery, what the the drizzle/rain, but the pilot said that the ice looks even bluer when it’s overcast (if it’s sunny all you see is reflected light/glare) and we were able to hop around a little bit and look down into some chasms. we spent about 15/20 minutes on the glacier, and then got back in the copter for the trip back. so all in all, only about a 45-minute trip but super cool.

we got dropped off in the town on the way back at around 11am, and it was pouring cold rain by then. we hung out at the famous Red Dog Saloon for a bit of beer-for-brunch, and then set out to see if there were any suitable places for lunch. we ended up at the one asian restaurant in town, a chinese/sushi fast food place, and when i ordered a plate of just plain steamed broccoli the guy was kind of confused. was alright anyway, and then we headed back to the boat for another evening of entertainment and wandering around.
steps: 13,246/5.79 miles/100 floors

day09/SunMay13: Ketchikan, AK
the weather had funny cleared up, but we only had a few hours in Ketchikan so not enough time to go hiking or get into the wilderness at all. so we set out on a long walk through and around town, and just enjoyed being outside, on land, and not in the rain. back on boat, where the food/entertainment combo of the evenings were starting to feel like groundhog day.

note: i would not say the entertainment was bad, just not my style (a lot of campy cover bands, broadway-style shows, showtunes etc). there was one music act we really liked – a solo guy with an acoustic guitar who sang classic rock songs at the bar in the beautiful atrium of the boat nearly every night until midnight, and we sat there at least 3 nights with jay’s mom and stepdad for hours, singing along and making requests. so thank you to him (Scott the Guitar Player) for being there and being so enjoyable.
steps: 16,680/7.29 miles/86 floors

day10/MonMay14: Victoria, BC
it was finally a really sunny on deck as we headed back south, and so we were able to bask poolside for most of the afternoon, as our port call time wasn’t until evening. once in Victoria (the capitol of BC and “City of Gardens”) we just took a very nice long sunset-into-dusk walk along the seaside, through the park, through downtown and all around the harbors until time to get back on the boat.
steps: 19,611/8.57 miles/44 floors

day11/TuesMay15: Seattle, WA
disembark in Seattle, cat-herded everyone to hotel, walk downtown to a lunch my mother arranged with my Great Aunt Mitty and a whole slew of extended family members i have never seen before and probably never will again, except for (my 2nd cousin once removed? i don’t even know) Jeremy Gregory, who lives in Tacoma and i was ordered to sit next to and for good reason: he’s an amazing artist working on really cool projects with puppets and photography and stop-motion animation. we talked through the whole lunch.
back to the hotel to grab luggate, and then to the airport to go home.
steps: 17,511/7.65 miles/20 floors

In summation:
2500 miles from Seattle, WA to Skagway, AK and back on an enormous boat, floating through glacial fjords, a train ride into the snowy mountains, a breathtaking helicopter ride, playing on a glacier, fields of spring flowers, endless ocean vistas, mountain views, lots of time with the families, lots of songs and dances, Seattle adventures to start and end, and many many memories.

Conclusion:
it’s clear that me and boats don’t play well together. all the motion, all the noise – i just can’t be comfortable. i have a pretty long “bucket list” for life, but “sailing around the world”, or even sailing anywhere, ever, is not on it. i do not plan on “cruising” again. i had wanted to get a lot of excercise per day, which i did, but not in the way i expected . working out like i usually do in the gym on the boat was not going to happen with all the motion. and the only yoga classes were at 8am every day. uh – no. so i readjusted to walking laps around the boat and using our time in ports to take really long walks in the towns. i had also wanted to read for an hour a day, but that also couldn’t happen because of the motion so i’m a little behind on my reading list.

HOWEVER, this was a really great thing for us to do with our families, and it was really great to spend time with all of them, and yes: without fail, the scenery was majestic. i hope to get back there someday and get into the interior. the coastlines were nice, but i like to climb mountains!

i think the most surprising thing was that i did almost totally check out and unplug from thinking about the rest of my life. i didn’t think about work, about our upcoming Enormous Life Transition (please stay tuned for that important announcement, and NO: we are not getting married), i didn’t turn on my cell phone while in ports, and i didn’t read a paper or watch the news. i think the permanently unsettled feeling of just being on the boat (sea sickness, constant vibration, not-my-usual-diet), combined with the craziness of being on a cruise ship for 7 days with 8 members of your family and the amazing awesomeness of the Alaskan scenery was physically and mentally enough to deal with. in a good way.

deep breathing

last week/end’s performance was magic.  and i mean that in a very grounded way – a very real-and-not-imagined way.  once we got on stage for rehearsal wednesday night, in full dress but with no audience, and the music started, and julia’s operatic voice lifted to the rafters, and the hands of the musicians hit their instruments and drums and strings, i sat there and it really hit me and i realized how amazing it was, and how the music was so beautiful (huge props to musician and musical director goyo aranaga) i could listen to it for days. and then i realized…..i could.  there were 3 days of rehearals and performances. and i could be present for all of them (it was my choice how many shows i did, as mine was only a supporting role). and i decided i would. and the music only got better.

in the 4 performances over the next 3 days, between going to work in the daytime and then going to the theatre and putting on our white make-up and amazing costumes and everyone in the cast being fun and talented and wonderful and amazing and getting on stage and for 90 minutes creating a dream, an offering of bodies and tears and music and sculpture and art and dance, and having the audience respond so well and participate in that with us – it was magic. the real kind.

we gave everything and more.

it was hard, sometimes, standing there in the middle of the stage, believing that that’s where i was, who i was with, what i was doing, who i am.

i was and am so grateful for everything Bad Unkl Sista has given to me.

and thank you so much to everyone who came out to support.  seeing your faces, hearing your reactions – it was so important to us for you to be there.

some photos are here:  Shoot That Klown: First Breath-Last Breath and here (same photog,  flickr link)

First Breath-Last Breath – SF World Premiere

butoh contains all of the things that i usually avoid.  group activities. games. rituals. prayerformance. contact dance with other humans.  separately, in other contexts, i do not often engage in these things.  but the philosophy, the intention, and the aesthetic of butoh makes these activities therapeutic for me, like yoga.  extreme mindfulness.  patience.  stillness. giving your all with every breath, every movement.  putting it all out there, especially the things you might not want to show.

i had no idea what this was when i first met Anastazia in 2006.  our first interactions were fashion related, as she was making and selling costumes when she first moved to SF. but time went by and she moved her focus back to her primary art, performance, and i moved with her.

and now this weekend we are in the midst of the largest production in SF to date – First Breath – Last Breath: a full theatre production, all our own, sharing the bill with no one else, 90-100 minutes on stage.

this cast is really amazing – seasoned butoh dancers, aerialists, a contortionist, an opera singer, sets by SF artist Shrine, and the live music with is incredibly unique and beautiful. i feel so lucky to be a part.

the title refers to the cycle, and cycles, of life, but it is also personally very fitting for me right now. BadUnklSista was my first real breath as a non-fashion-performance artist on a stage, and due to life shifts, this is likely going to be my last performance for a long while.

shows are tonight @ 7:00pm, tomorrow at 2:00pm and 7:00pm.

reviews so far: SF Examiner + SF Chronicle 4/26

“about the liminal spaces between the defining moments of our lives.”

sunday’s rabbithole

yesterday was a strange day. well, most days are strange, but sometimes it seems more acute.

.::.

as noted, my chronic pain has flared up again, now for over a month with little relief.  so i’m not sleeping well, taking various pills and trying all the therapies again and trying to walk the line with my yoga/workouts between doing nothing and overextending, both of which are bad. friday night we went out dancing and i danced as hard as i could while trying not to hurt myself (not *too* ecstatic), and i felt great when i went to bed, but woke up saturday morning feeling tired and broken, and the pouring rain did nothing to lift my spirits.

.::.

1. the little match stick girl

sunday morning jay got up before dawn and went to tahoe, which was only a couple of hours after i had finally fallen asleep. i tossed and turned until i needed to get up to go to see my friend Anastazia’s performance with the SF Lyric Opera in a production of The Little Match Stick Girl Passion at ODC.

The Little Match stick girl is a story by Hans Christian Andersen (1845) about an abused child who dies in the snow trying to sell matchsticks on New Year’s Eve. it’s a puritanical tale about the homeless, and it is heavy. i had planned on going Saturday night, but i was already feeling terrible on saturday and seeing such a thing sounded like a bad idea. and, as it is a reverent morality story, i thought it was more appropriate for a Sunday afternoon.

the piece was minimalist, with a choir of 4 singers (soprano, alto, tenor, bass) singing the David Lang vocal arrangement of the story, a cappella besides a few percussive instruments, and Anastazia, all in white, embodying the child. i have seen and performed with Staz many times, and had also read her description of her preparations to take on this role, which were personal and intense, and so on top of the subject matter, my personal connection to the performance as deep. the haunting vocal arrangement, the visceral embodiment of a scared dying child by my friend – by the end of it, i was full of tears.

and then the producer came out, also trying hard to hold back tears, and gave a short speech about how it was no accident that they chose this story to perform at this space – near 17th and Capp, a neighborhood plagued with prostitution, drugs, and homeless problems – as their return to the stage, and asked us to remember the homeless, remember the downtrodden and the dying. do not just walk by.  and then i really lost it.

in Staz’s preparation for this, she said

“I feel the role of a contemporary artist no matter the medium used is to reflect our history, personal and planetary, and offer through that reflection another way to view the present while navigating a positive affect on the future.”

this production definitely achieved that goal.

the combination of this emotional intensity, my body pain, my fatigue – i was a mess.  i could barely talk to my friends who were there, and i didn’t stick around to mingle.

.::.

2. the litterer

after some deep breaths back out in the sunshine for a bit, i met up with reagan, and we had a respite for a while, and then since it was a sunny day i decided to take a long walk from the mission through mid-market to powell street to get back on the train.  at 9th and market/civic center, the man standing in front of me waiting for the walk sign threw his emptied single-serving liquor bottle into the intersection.  oh how i hate flippant littering!! it took some restraint not to say anything, but i wasn’t just going to let it go by either. so right when the walk sign came on, i stepped directly in front of him, swooped down and picked up the bottle mid-stride and then kept walking directly to the waste receptacle on the other side of the street and plopped it in.  i never looked back behind me, i never made contact, so i don’t know if he saw me, but if nothing else the other people in the crosswalk did.

this decision to not confront the litterer was a departure for me, as i usually do speak up to people like that because i think letting it slide reinforces the behavior. sometimes they really are ashamed “oh, sorry i wasn’t thinking” but sometimes they are defensive “who the fuck are you?!”

but last weekend, on March 17, i took a 1-day women’s personal safety course at Bernal Yoga, as i often find myself either confronting people, or being confronted, on the street and on the train and in clubs/at parties.  and it was taught that your first priority is to de-escalate any situation, even if it means saying sorry when you’re not in the wrong, and definitely never provoking people. so i decided there to not provoke the situation, but in the few seconds before we crossed the street figured a way to make my point without ever interacting or making eye contact with the person, and that was to step in front of him and pick up the litter and keep walking.

.::.

3. the misogynist

a short time later, unfortunately, i had a much more intense situation in which to practice de-escalation.  as i boarded the train home at Powell street, *immediately*, and without any provocation whatsoever, not even eye contact, a guy on the train started talking at me, loudly and aggressively, from a few seats away. “who the fuck you think you are, girl?  why you dressed like that?” it was so obtuse that at first i didn’t even realize he was talking to me. his companion tried to calm him down with “come on, man, don’t say things like that. chill out” but the guy kept at it. “who you think you are? so what you got sunglasses? i got sunglasses too, BITCH” and his companion got up and moved down the train, telling him to “shut up, man, you can’t talk to people like that”.

then the guy broke into song to the tune of “i’m sexy and i know it” except that he sang “i’m a rapist and i know it”.  WTF. the entire train could hear this.  he was loud. i sat unmoving, looking forward from behind my sunglasses, wanting DESPERATELY to say FUCK YOU DUDE but instead deciding to get up and get off at the next stop.  the companion kept asking him to stop, but the guy kept it up and i could hear him still yelling things at me as i stepped off the train.

in retrospect i am glad i didn’t say anything to the angry misogynist, except that i wish i would’ve said a very direct Thank You before exiting the train to the companion friend, who at least wasn’t just letting it slide (positive reinforcement).

i wish this was an isolated incident, but it’s not. i deal with street harassment at least 50% of the time that i leave my house alone, and that is unfortunately not an exaggeration. it’s usually not as aggro as that dude, more like the guy 5 minutes earlier before i got on the train that leered and swerved uncomfortably toward me and said “hola rubia……..” as i walked by on the street.  but that guy is why i took the self-defense class, because while nothing serious has happened yet, with this rate of incident, i’m scared that it will. SIGH.

in the vein of the recent “shit X people say to Y people” meme, there is a “Shit Men Say to Men Who Say Shit to Women on the Street” PSA video for International Anti-Street Harassment Week. if you have a friend who does this to women, make him watch it.

.::.

after all that, i needed a beer. so jay picked me up at west oakland and we went to the Trappist and had a couple nice dark microbrews.

another rabbithole complete.

doorway at 19th and Mission, taken yesterday

monday morning crashing down

as i’ve mentioned previously, the pathway through aquatic park in berkeley is often a human obstacle course, with the playground and babyjoggers and frisbeegolfers and dogs off leash, none of whom stay to the right or seem aware of anything but whatever they are focused on. you can ride around the other side, but it is exposed and runs along the freeway and so is often 1) windy and 2) full of exhaust from 1-80. so while riding through the park sounds safe and lovely, this is more often than not the part of my ride that leaves me swerving and cursing more than the city streets.

this morning was no exception, and as i came around one bend, there was a man standing facing the path, crouched in a squat-like position, eyes darting quickly back and forth.  he was an older man, wearing sweatpants, and didn’t look particularly out of place, but it was the darting eyes that spooked me. he was fully in a pounce position. what was he doing?  i moved over, picked up pace and rode quickly by, but when i turned to look back, HE WAS RUNNING FULL SPRINT BEHIND ME. now, in retrospect, i assume this was just an older man out doing some sprints in the park and that his furtive eyes were just looking out to make sure the path was clear before he jumped back on for his next interval. totally normal. but looking behind you to see a man sprinting after your bicycle is sort of disconcerting.  and so i sped up more, and rounded the next bend.

unfortunately, around the next bend, another old man was entering the pathway off the grass with a walker, looking the other direction. i tried to warn him for a second, but my reflexes took over and i hit the brakes. too hard. and over the handlebars i went……

like most accidents i didn’t realize what happened at first.  i quickly noted that i’d only hit my hands (gloved) and knees, no head, and got up.  the old man had turned around and was standing there, and he said “are you ok?” and i said “yes, thanks, i’m fine i think, i just didn’t want to hit you.”   i got back on my bike and pedaled away.

and then i realized that my right knee really did hurt, the initial adrenaline shock wore off, and the whole experience of being chased by an old man/almost crashing into an old man had sort of shattered my nerves and i just started crying.

i guess the good thing about working alone is that when i got to the office i just laid on the floor and cried until the feeling wore off.  and then i went to get some coffee.

(title ref)

feeling the edges

i have been down lately.  and when i say down i mean like, feeling the bottom. do you know what the bottom feels like?  i thought everyone did, but recently a friend of mine told me he’d just experienced a “bad day” for the first time that he could remember – like, 15-20 years. and my mind was sort of blown. that’s possible for a sane person?

.::.

the other day as we drove  through west oakland i thought about this, about what he said, and i thought that it seemed impossible to me, to have that kind of mentality, when 1. all of the atrocities in the world are visible on every street corner and 2. to me it appears that all of us are always standing on the edge of a cliff. every day, living on the edge, the potential for falling into the abyss present with every breath taken, and that the spectrum of awareness goes from paralyzed with fear at one end to completely oblivious and doing cartwheels at the other.

i am not paralyzed but i am always aware of the edge.

later that night, my head buried in my pillow, i bemoaned my disposition and jay said “you just have to let go.”  and i said: “how can i let go when i feel like i’m balancing on the edge?” he agreed with me, which is why i love him, but i’m sure there is some platitude about “faith” or something.

to be clear i know that there is nothing either objectively or subjectively “wrong” with my life. in fact it is by most standards BLESSED and i am not ungrateful.   i am also aware of this idea of “creating your own reality” and choosing to ignore atrocities.  i can’t.  i can’t live in this world full of torture and persecution and injustice and just “focus on myself” and my beautiful friends and my beautiful life. yeah, if i blocked all that out – starting from my doorstep in west oakland to the regimes of oppression worldwide – life would be fucking grand!

and if you try to tell me you live the best, most non-consumer non-imperialistic socially-conscious life possible and that is all you can do so why not focus on your own happiness the rest is out of your hands/isn’t being a happy human a greater asset to the world than an angry one? i will 1. point out that your reading this on a computer/gadget made in China negates that defense about you not willingly having anything to do with atrocity and 2. respectfully and sort of jealously disagree while acknowledging that this is an ancient philosophical/POV debate.

the weird thing is, despite all this psychological torment i put myself through, and despite these occasions where i feel weighed down, overall i think i’m actually a happy person. just maybe not an optimist.

the point is that some days i don’t know how to take a step back from the edge, that edge where i can feel the present and future stew of everything and everyone, nothing and no one and feel like i am/we are falling forward.

.::.

anyway, stress work existential angst anxiety fear of the unknown self-doubt global unrest blah blah blah i did not have a good weekend and let’s not get any deeper into that other than to say that while yes, it is possible i might benefit from some therapy and/or medication, at the same time i am also always fighting my way back to the top so don’t worry too much (mom). i’m just emotional and dramatic.

as is often the case when i am down, my chronic shoulder/back pain flared up again yesterday to a more than just annoying degree. the fact that it’s been almost a year since i’ve written about it says a lot about how under control i have this still-undefined thing, but it has not been gone, oh no, and i have to be hypervigilant with my PT, and when i am down there, in the bottom my friend doesn’t feel?  i am not vigilant.  i am the opposite of vigilant. i am destructive. and if you are me and you live in San Francisco in the year 2012 you have access to a lot of tools for self-destruction.

so yesterday i was whiny and in pain and i didn’t sleep well last night and needed to not be typing and all that so today i only went to work for a couple of hours but that was OK because it was sunny and 72 degrees in february and so i left work and biked across town and went and hung out outside at cafe in downtown oakland until time for yoga.  I KNOW, RIGHT?  see why i’m depressed? #affluenza

.::.

this DJ person i live with is playing electronic music of whatever microgenre that is he plays (i’ll keep out of that debate) – i do not listen to electronic music unless said DJ is playing it at home or/ i am out dancing.  i was actually quite offended when an old phish friend said “oh right you only listen to electronic music now” when i didn’t know some new band.  on evenings when he is doing this, i am often in the bathroom listening the Velvet Underground or somesuch while i do one of any number of beauty treatments on myself (it’s only been 10 days since i last bleached my hair and i am already unhappy with the color gradient.  UGH.  maybe maryann is right; i should shave my head. ANYWAY.)

so just now i was there in the shower listening to Built to Spill Perfect From Now On (1997) which is still, now, 9 years after i first heard it on KALX, also while in the shower one morning sometime in 2003 when we lived in that brownshingle on Benvenue avenue in berkeley-  wow  that was a long time ago and wow it’s been since 2006 that we saw them live? holy crap. – it is still one of my favorite end-to-end albums to listen to from the first track to the last (my friend Allie talks about doing elliptical workout jams to rock music and i could def bust a long elliptical jam to Perfect From Now On.)

all that is to say that you should listen to it if you never have.

and also if any of you out there are going to good indie/psych/punk/emo rock shows in SF will you clue me in?  i’m looking at you 40goingon28.

.::.

my younger sister used to say i was mean. and i was always defensive – no i’m not!  i love people. LOVE. but the older i get,  i think she was/is right.  i can be CRUEL/i don’t know why.  i mean, a guy i know who has the word “evil” as part of his nickname told me at the club on friday night that he has always stayed away from me because i seemed like someone he didn’t want to fuck with.  am i really that unapproachable?  man.  but i am so soft on the inside.

.::.

and to cap off this completely boring old-skool whatididtoday/iamsoEmo blog post, here is what i ate today: Continue reading »

carpe amor

everybody wants to know “the secret”.

but i don’t believe in unconditional anything and really all i can say is that if there is a secret on my part it’s that i don’t believe in tomorrow.

happy 14th anniversary to the one who puts up with this.  <3

water dragon so far

1.  it was cold and foggy today at 9:00am, and so few people out. my bike commute is so familiar to me now i have to remind myself to watch where i am going. ah, yes, more bicycle analogies for life.

2. today, i finished the kind-of-secret thing that has been consuming me. at the last minute, due to technical difficulties, it was printed and sealed and addressed and packaged and dropped in the box for overnight delivery. it’s due tomorrow. so i think? i can come out of my intellectual hole now. if i’ve somehow flaked on any of you…sorry. lmk. we’ll catch up.

so yes!  the biggest deadline i’ve faced in years has come and gone. i did what i could. i will try not to stress now over the next month+ until i hear back.

3. we got burning man tix in the lottery!

4. it’s also not dark at 5:00 anymore. much better. like.

so—end of January! yay!

happy year of the WATER DRAGON!  i’m a fire dragon, and so if you believe in chinese astrology, this should not be one of my luckiest years, as fire is opposite water. but i don’t really believe in astrology, and so far? i’d say yes. lucky.

You know her life was saved by rock and roll

things have been….interesting.

here is my bitch list:

–rainy season has begun. as a bike commuter, this makes my days way less fun.

–it took 9 days to get my smartphone replaced after NYE (long boring customer service story) and the new one keeps doing all kinds of weird things that i hate

–my fitbit broke. again. there is a warranty but i might as well upgrade.  so far fitbit is costing me $99/a year in replacement costs, but i’m addicted to it so i still recommend it.

–work things i can’t talk about publicly are at maximum stress

–life thing with a deadline i haven’t finished is suffering major procrastination and mind-blankage and ∴ stress

–stress is causing unfavorable physical conditions

–blahblahblah whole foods parking lot

don’t get me wrong. my life is wonderful and full of wonderful things, like redwood hikes and purring cats and good wine and yoga and amazing love.  that doesn’t mean it’s perfect. but yeah, #1stworldproblems and i do try to keep perspective but i can’t even tell what news isn’t real any more so it’s pretty hard.

ANYWAY, i was driving to work this morning cuz it’s raining and it’s friday and at home i’d been listening to this great DJ The Count on KALX who reminds me a lot of my friend Finnius and plays David Bowie but whatever he was playing when i first got in the car  was a bit too something for the rainy I-80 east moment and so i switched it over to  107.7, as um….7 times out of 10? they are playing some some rock and roll i really like. (I HATE VAN HALEN, ALL FORMS.) i didn’t know the song playing but it jammed on for 2 or 3 minutes (of my 7 minute drive) and i got really into it, and started thinking about how much better i suddenly felt.  like, rock and roll in the morning really does make me feel so much better. A LOT. AURAL MEDICINE.  and then i was like this is GOOD and seems like something i should know.  what song is this? and then the vocals kicked in and i realized it was Working Man (Rush, 1974, definitive). (i used to hate Rush almost as much as Van Halen but i’ve come around.) do they play that every Friday morning? because they should.

snippets

i finally opened my suitcase last night, filled with a mix of sandy bathing suits and smokey winter layers, because i figured i should find my own toothbrush and stop using jay’s. it was thursday. january 5th. taking bets on how long all that laundry sits there. this morning i also took a full shower with all the soaps and stuff for the first time this year.  and after i toweled off  i noticed that my skin was DRY.  like, it looks like i’m molting dry.  this is why i don’t like to shower unless necessary.  it’s not good for the hair and skin.

.::.

later i had a long chat with an old dear friend, and then took a walk through these slanted january sunrays. as i walked and thought of him i imagined having the power to conjure a certain subset of dearly beloved humans to appear around a campfire late one warm summer night with bottles of whiskey and wine, where slowly they would recognize their reflections in one another and melt like pools of multicolored wax into eachothers lives, and i would sit and bask in the warm glow of unbelievable good fortune and love.