intellectual properties

2001-2010: how far have i come?

today is my 9 year blogiversary. first actual post here.

a blogger-friend of mine recently wrote that while she doesn’t expect people to reach the standard linear milestones (college–>job–>marriage–>grad school–>children–>mortgage, etc), she does expect people to continually improve themselves, and that what you are doing at 35 should be a progression from what you were doing at 25, or even 30.  or, if maybe not totally progressive or linear career-wise, at least life-wise, the key being change, learning and growth.

i agree that the arbitrary benchmarks are foolish, but keeping track of things that can be put on your resume aren’t necessarily super important to everyone either. my quality of life is way higher, even if it’s the same life and there aren’t a lot of measurable differences. shouldn’t i be happy about that?

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a dozen

12 years ago today jay and i went on our first date.  i can’t tell you where the years went, or “how we do it”, or what it means for our future.  our relationship has been minute by minute, day by day, month by month, and now, year by year.  i won’t say it’s easy, i won’t say it’s perfect, and can’t even say with any certainty it’s forever.  these expectations have never been there with us, yet here we are, years after other promised marriages have failed. is that the key?   i can’t even tell you that i know what love really is.  all i know is that every day i wake up next to my best friend,  and i can’t imagine my world without him.

besos to you, darling.  and many more.

illin’

jay got sick last thurs night with what was at first thought to be food poisoning, from what unsure, and he was in bed and didn’t eat for 2 days.  which, you now, for a diabetic, is a little scary.  we went to a dinner party saturday night, and he sat in a room full of food and didn’t eat a thing.  i was feeling fine right up into that dinner party, although sluggish that afternoon, but at around 5AM sunday morning i woke up to a headache like i haven’t had since the last time we went to las vegas and my stomach in knots. i then spent all day sunday and all day monday in bed, under covers, eyes closed, unable to eat or drink a thing without it coming back up, my body literally shutting down.  yesterday i pulled myself together to go to work for a few hours and then attend the SF Fashion Feud, where, fueled by a red bull and a burrito, i finally started feeling like myself again.

however, going to bed after having your first meal in 3 days be a red bull and a burrito isn’t a recipe for a good night’s sleep, and i had some seriously tumultous dreams last night. i don’t remember all of them except the one right before i woke up, but i do know that they were all anxious, stressful, uneasy.

this is the one i recall:

i pulled out of the gate of my loft building in west oakland (a neighborhood often riddled with street crime IRL) onto the one-way street, going the wrong direction.  i was in some sort of high-speed golf cart type thing.  i was driving fast, the wrong direction.  i had a machine gun, or some other automatic weapon. i was firing streams of bullets randomly across the plaza intersection of West Grand and Mandela Parkway, in all directions, at oncoming traffic. i was full-throttle.  i was alone.  i was brazen.  i did not care.  i was blank.  i headed up mandela parkway, still going the wrong way, until i saw, parked ahead, a police car.  i abandoned my golf-cart and weapon.  i made it look like i was on foot.  i went running up the police car, suddenly the victim.  i was crying.  i was telling what i saw, giving the witness account but knowing that i was the one who had done it, guilt tying my stomach in knots, hoping to not get caught. this went on for a while, me playing the victim while knowing i was the offender. the anxiety, the self-hatred, was overwhelming. i couldn’t tell if i was remorseful about what i had done, or if i just didn’t want to get caught.  there didn’t seem to be a lot of remorse. just a lot of not wanting to get caught.

i woke feeling sick to my stomach, some of which leftover from my actual illness, some from the dream. i have never in my life been inclined to such violence. there is no part of me that even wants to play “shoot ‘em up” video games, where one pretends to kill. i have had a few violent outbursts in my life, and they totally caught me offguard.  so waking from this dream - in which initially i was utterly void of guilt, willing to kill innocents to express my anger and rage (at what i still don’t know) - i was horrified at myself.  that any part of my psyche could even have that ability. and then to flip to the role of being the guilty person pretending to be the victim - a person who would steal and rob and kill and then blame others, and then claim it was an act against them. that mindset was, in the end, even more disturbing than the initial role, more gut-wrenching. to live with that.

my coworker suggests that in our dreams, we are all of the roles, and that in this instance i was 1. the aggressor 2. the cop and 3. the victim.  and that some part of me is doing/wants to do something i know is wrong, then another part of me that stops me from doing it, and then i feel restrained, but guilty for even doing/wanting to do the thing in the first place, finally representing my feeling of restraint as being a victim. upon reflection i do not know what this thing is in my life that i could be feeling this way about. i could take some guesses, but there is nothing front of mind.

OR, perhaps i was putting myself in all 3 roles as a sort of empathic exercise.  there hasn’t been any recent significant bout of violence in my immediate ‘hood, but i still see signs of it on a daily basis, and reading the news there is no escaping the reality that life for the poor is only only getting poorer, and imaging that frustration is maybe where these dreams come from, as i ride the bus or bike through the city and see the homeless with their shopping carts, the youth with their attempts at making themselves feel big and part of something bigger, the elderly just trying to get by as invisibly as possible, having learned that standing out often only means being beaten down.

regardless of interpretation, i awoke with all of this in my consciousness, still feeling a little ill, waiting restlessly for the day when the entire world can take a global sigh of relief.

the results are in

in the ongoing saga of my body pain (10 weeks in):

first, as reported, since i modified my desk at work to be a standing desk, my daily pain level has all but disappeared unless i do something bad to aggravate it. this is GREAT, but the condition is still there, and can be aggravated.

the results of my MRI last friday are as such:

there is, still, as of last friday, 9+ weeks after the pain started, a continuing deep muscle spasm going on in my upper back that has been unresponsive to heat, massage, and muscle relaxers. the muscle spasm is also constricting all the other muscles around it and is likely what’s causing most of the pain.

also, two of the discs in my upper spine/neck are “bulging”, one of which is impeding the movement of my spinal cord, but probably not causing much of the pain/discomfort as i don’t have too many nerve-related symptoms, but the bulging discs could be what’s causing the muscle spasm, but maybe not. inconclusive.

at this point, there is nothing more really to do other than what i am already doing to try to relieve the muscle spasm and ease the pressure on my discs as well as strengthen the muscles around my spine. modifying my life to do these things and also avoid aggravating this problem hasn’t been difficult, but i’m not sure what it means for the long haul (i can’t stand and work for the rest of my life, i’m pretty sure). unfortunately the fact is that as you age, problems like this only get worse, but i’m trying not to think too much about that right now. i’m just relieved there is SOME explanation, and knowing that there was nothing worse going on and that i’m doing all the right things is a huge relief. sigh.

butoh

i never imagined i’d perform butoh before i did it. sometimes i see myself dong this crazy thing, this macabre expression, this walking slowly with fists clenched looking as though in anguish and/or frozen joy, face painted white and knees trembling, this shamelessly raw unfettered expression, this adoration of the self. who would want or need this?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Butoh

the workshop i did last weekend involved walking really, really slowly across a room but maintaining intense presence, resistance activities with partners (e.g. pushing eachother backward as hard as you can),
imagining an object is the physical manifestation of everything good about yourself and offering it to others (projection), imaging an object is everything bad about yourself and sharing it with others,

running ecstatically, using breath to create energy waves in the body.

i know it might sound silly, but think about it: it’s the kinds of things you might have done as a small child, games to play with yourself and others, and don’t do anymore.  it feels good.

also: it can be physically intense. i was sore for 3 days after last weekend. but it doesn’t have to be.  you can take it easy on yourself too.

there is a free workshop this weekend in SoMa SF.  if you are interested, let me know, and i will point you the way.

Bad Unkl Sista is offering free introductory butoh and multi-genre performance training for anyone interested…no performance or dance skills required…the only thing required is a desire to see yourself and others from a different angle..

http://www.badunklsista.com

hot dates

i have few hot dates coming up that i’m excited about:

– dinner tonight with @brittneyg. i like meeting new people from the internet. some of them have become my bestest friends.

– i am thinking of going to see The Coup - awesome conscious bay area political hiphop - tomorrow night @ the Independent. i’ve been a fan for years, but here’s the thing: their bass player was randomly shot while driving Tuesday night on I-80. no shit. fuck gangstas. instead of cancelling the show, it’s on, and i bet it’s gonna go OFF.

– i’m going to be a fashion judge at the Fashion Feud SF finale on January 26 (fb event here). i am so not qualified for this.

–Feb 1 is me&jay’s 12 YEAR anniversary.  yes. i know, right?

– i’m gonna be a fashion model at the 3rd annual LoveSick fashion show on Feb 14, with lots of my favorite designers.  it’s a pretty hot valentine’s event. (fb event here).

– Erykah Badu @ the Oakland Fox Theatre on 2/19. oooo yes. it’s been a long time i’ve been waiting to see her.

there’s a whole other lotta crap on my calendar in the next 5 weeks, but those are some of the things i’m looking forward to most.

“2010″ still seems unreal to me.

on tuesday i had my work desk retrofitted so that now i am standing while i work.  it’s not a fancy adjustable desk, and i haven’t bought a taller chair yet, so i am standing the entire time i’m working. yes, my legs and back get tired, but this causes me to move around, stretch, take breaks. which is what i need.  and voila!  yesterday was the first day in 8 WEEKS i woke up without any noticeable neck or upper back/shoulder pain. yay!  of course, my MRI was scheduled for today.  isn’t that how it always goes?  i’m going in for the MRI this afternoon anyway, as this is a recurring problem and still might well be one that i am just avoiding. and, it was sort of a pain in the ass to get approved, i might as well.  perhaps puts another blemish on my medical record, but at this point i don’t really care about that. i’m optimistically hoping that someday “pre-existing conditions” aren’t the bane of healthcare they are today. anyway, will report on the results as soon as i get them.

in other news, i rode my bike to work every day this week again, which was nice. riding the bus makes me feel so trapped by timing and schedules and routes and is just kind of a pain compared to the freedom of biking.  last weekend i went and got a rear basket so i don’t ride with my backpack on, and despite continuous rain warnings from the not-so-accurate “accuweather” forecasters, it hasn’t rained yet this week.  next week?  let’s hope.  3 drought years in a row ain’t good.

oh, what else. let’s see. no, i haven’t seen Avatar yet as the 3D IMAX version is continually SOLD OUT in SF.  i’m not too expectant wrt the ‘amazing inspiring worldview-shifting’ some have reported, as from what i’ve seen heard, it’s just a retrofit of your standard colonialist-learns-from-natives tale (SPOILER!). i’m too jaded for that anyway and besides, it’s the visuals i’m going for, which is why i’m holding out for the 3D IMAX. plus, while i acknowledge there are always elements of impracticality and plot holes in any utopian vs dystopian/good vs evil storyline and expect no less from this one, i find it amusing that some uber-conservatives are irked at the film’s supposed ‘anti-American liberal agenda’, or that others are calling it “nativist“, as though all environmentalists hate modernity and progress and wish we’d just go back to idyllic hunter/gatherer mode and want to totally dismantle our capitalist system. *eye roll*

i have seen a whole raft of other movies lately (netflix on demand RULES!), and will try to post some reviews/recs over the weekend, or soon-ish.

ok, now i’m just blabbing. have a great weekend, y’all. and good luck with those new years resolutions.

2009 was

something grey

a blurry line, illuminated,

between hope and the future

a swaying platform of change

feet unsteady

unsure of who or what

pubescent with insecurity

with all eyes looking forward

belief in the future

overriding the past.

.::.

abbreviated:

starting with the january oakland riots,

my car smashed

and my love for my city dented, bruised

in february i became an aunt

and for the rest of the year my heart was pulled homeward

in march i visited the family

and stopped funding my 401(k)

in april we went to new york

and i was braver than i’ve ever been on a runway

may brought hot springs and Nine Inch Nails

june there was an alien invasion and other things

and in july there was again Priceless

and then i won an undeserved blogger award (in 2010 it most certainly goes to the Holden Archive) and then perhaps unsubconsciously refrained from writing much of anything on the subject since

august meant a return to Phish and, counterbalanced, a nonreturn to Burning Man

with the addition of a family trip to mexico

and then came september, with it’s gorgeous autumn days and finally

FINALLY

a long-awaited extended vacation to Europe for 4 weeks

where we wandered and enjoyed, aimless with bounty

when we returned life was somewhat subdued, and shortly after then is when my body pain started

-i’m at the end of 7 weeks now-

and since then i feel i’ve been focused so hard on my body that

i can barely remember what else has happened in november and december,

some wonderful things, i know, and much love and support from all the humans in my life,

but it all seems very foggy, muddled, like the light from a frosted bulb.

.::.

i know from all the things i’ve read, seen and quoted this year that i have been thoughtful, but it seems not a lot of that made it into words written here.  all very internalized, it feels.  i spent a lot of time this year in my head. cerebral.

and so i end 2009 a little broken, edges a little ragged, vision a little blurry, soul a little tired, but grateful, and yes, optimistic.

for 2010, i make no grand resolutions, other than to strive to be well and hope for balance and clarity, inside and out, personally and professionally, logistically and artistically.  if i can do that, it will be a great year.

here’s to you and yours, and thanks for following along.

status update: week six

so, here i am, in the Sixth Week of Pain (now with CAPS!), with an update since the last post.

if you’ve been following along (i’m pretty sure most of you have stopped reading by now, but this is my life-blog, so sometimes the mundane takes precedence over the political/arty/witty; don’t worry, your regularly scheduled programing will return at some point), you know after many weeks of seeing chiro and massage therapists with no results, yesterday i saw a family practice doctor (who specializes in GERIATRICS - how old am i getting?) about my back problem (ongoing since at least 2004), and his medical opinion is that i do not have symptoms of anything major (nerve damage, slipped discs, arthritis, etc) and that it is all probably due to muscular stress and contractions, most likely attributable to many (15? 1994-present) years sitting at desks/in front of computers for 8+ hours a day with less than perfect posture (good news if true, but contrary to that of my chiro; bad news, as that is what i do for a living; but good news in that if it is self-inflicted it is therefore self-curable). he gave me an Rx for a muscle relaxant, tips on avoiding bad head posture, and told me to come back in 2 weeks if the pain was still present.

i stressed that i was in daily pain and that it was affecting my work, and that i had already done everything i could over the past six weeks to address the problem with no improvement, and he said he understood and he said that he would also request an MRI from the health insurance company to see if there was something else going on but wasn’t feeling too confident that it would get approval, as they usually reserve that for more “extreme” situations with different symptom patterns (loss of movement, numbness in extremeties, etc). i will know by the end of this week or maybe next monday if the MRI is approved. i almost started to cry right then and there, but didn’t. (i had already cried on the way to work yesterday morning, and but held out until AFTER i left the doctors office to cry again.) he said the best thing for now would be for me to take the muscle relaxer and actively avoid anything that aggravates the situation until it calms itself down. if it doesn’t resolve itself, he will refer me to another specialist in January.

i can’t take the muscle relaxer AND function at work (causes me to fall asleep) and so can’t take it during the day if i’m in the office, which is where i feel the most pain.  after taking the relaxant last night (and totally passing out cold), i felt about 80% better this morning than i did yesterday morning (yay!). the pain/stiffness is still present, sitting at my desk still hurts, but i think if i can avoid aggravating it, the muscles will slowly relax and get better. hopefully.

so now i am going to work short days today/tomorrow, take this thursday off and have a long weekend in Tahoe with some of my bestest friends where i will do no computering or sitting at desks and lot of lying on the floor and in hottubs, take the relaxants, and hope it goes away.  i am also working on a plan to modify my desk to standing position, but in the meantime i’m working on modifying it myself as much as possible and taking long breaks between sitting.

so that’s it. an obvious diagnosis from the doc, and i’m not sure if it’s true, but i’m hoping. it’s sunny today, and the silver lining has been spotted. (fingers crossed)

many thx to all who have offered kind words of support, advice, and encouragement.

status report

because a number of people have asked….i am feeling ok. starting my 5th week of pain now, and despite numerous visits to various doctors and bodyworkers (and numerous $$), condition not really getting any better.  working less and doing more to address the pain, so most of the time it’s not too bad, but as soon as forget to think about my posture or sit at my desk, or even here on my couch with my laptop, for too long it hurts again in less than half an hour. man it reallysucks someone who is as addicted to the internet as i am can no longer sit at a computer without it hurting.

if i’m not sitting, the pain isn’t super bad, just constant.  i think at this point i feel more depressed mentally that my whole life is going to be out of whack for longer than anticipated.  i’m trying to make lemonade (vacation! visit family!) and thinking short time that is easy, but thinking long term (what will i do for work?!) is deflating.

i feel like i’m in a kind of intense independent study re: my body.  reading about symtoms, causes,  treatments.  relearning musculoskeletal system.  spending hours at the gym, strengthening my upper body. chiropractic has been quite informational but has been little to no help.  latest theory is that i have a disc out of alignment and it’s causing nerve pain from the center of my spine up and across my shoulders, kind of in butterfly pattern.  next week i’m going to a regular MD to see if i can get an MRI, and maybe even some drugs! maybe i’m an idiot for not trying drugs (muscle relaxers? antinflammatories?) in the first place, i dunno.  but this problem has been reoccuring so i figure an investigation into the root cause is prudent.

so that’s the status update.  thx for everyone who’s had suggestions, recommendations, advice, or shared their own personal anecdotes wrt back pain or pain management in general.  i apologize that this has dominated a lot of personal conversation (in person and online), but it’s dominating my life at this point, so really, it’s all i have to talk about.