i am completely out of sorts. all of the routines i had are gone, and it’s not quite time to start new ones as we are not in our permanent home and i am not in school yet for another 2 weeks. for the past 23 days since leaving California i have eaten odd things at odd times, slept in various places and lengths ranging from 1-12 hours, and only figured out where i am part of the time. before i left i had very particular patterns, working in the same place for 12 years and also being a bike commuter and having to plan my days out and figure out the order and times to do things to avoid backtracking/extra effort/timing. so this total lack of pattern is surreal in many ways. it happens to most people while on vacation, and what people enjoy about escape, but this feels like a very long time to be without anchors, especially since i am not going back to what was before.
who am i in this place?
i am regularly feeling, very acutely, that i am not who i think i am.
meaning: the idea of myself (and the ideas that others had of me) that i had in that place, where i lived so long and had a distinct community and reputation and established relationships, was mostly being defined externally. if you take away all the patterns and defined spaces/relationships, it’s kind of scary how much is revealed; how much of who you thought you were is not who you really are.
it’s easy to see why some people are mortally terrified of moving outside of their comfort zones, their known reflections.
there are other personal matters too, relative to this flux, that have made this dissonance loud and clear of late. it’s disorienting, realizing you are not who you thought you were, who you said you were, who you felt you were. but it’s also liberating, when the things defining you fall away, discovering you can be someone else, someone more like who you want/ed to be.
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