intellectual properties

last night’s red dress

i’m going to go ahead and recommend Beth Orton’s Central Reservationalbum to you all again for the 100th time because i love it so much.

Stayed true to the things I knew when I was younger
And food and love was all but left to hunger
It’s when I stray from the truth as I grow older
Too much leaves an empty hollow hunger

I think about you on a moonlit night
And the Stars All Seem To Weep
When there’s so much love to lose
There’s never any time for sleep

what do women want?

I want a red dress.
I want it flimsy and cheap,
I want it too tight, I want to wear it
until someone tears it off me.
I want it sleeveless and backless,
this dress, so no one has to guess
what’s underneath. I want to walk down
the street past Thrifty’s and the hardware store
with all those keys glittering in the window,
past Mr. and Mrs. Wong selling day-old
donuts in their café, past the Guerra brothers
slinging pigs from the truck and onto the dolly,
hoisting the slick snouts over their shoulders.
I want to walk like I’m the only
woman on earth and I can have my pick.
I want that red dress bad.
I want it to confirm
your worst fears about me,
to show you how little I care about you
or anything except what
I want. When I find it, I’ll pull that garment
from its hanger like I’m choosing a body
to carry me into this world, through
the birth-cries and the love-cries too,
and I’ll wear it like bones, like skin,
it’ll be the goddamned
dress they bury me in.

–Kim Addonizio

(thx Holly)

NY: all that’s fit to print

where did i leave off……

monday was rough, with the late night/early morning that happened sunday evening, and then the heat, but eventually i crawled out and wandered up to Williamsburg. yeah yeah, hipster mecca/gentrification whatever, but they have great food and shopping.  i wished all day that it would rain.  around dinnertime i met marc on the street and we walked his dogs and pushed his adorable child around, and i’m sure if some people could’ve seen me, standing with 2 dogs on leashes in hand and a baby in a stroller waiting for marc outside the drycleaner, they would’ve had to blink a few times.  we caught up and had light dinner and eventually i had to say goodnight because my brain was no longer working.  i slept monday night.

tuesday i met up with W.O for lunch near chinatown at a vegan restaurant, and everything looked so good we ordered way too much food. to my luck he summoned JayB to tag team, and after W left J and i finished the food and then headed out for early afternoon cocktails at some random place nearby.  after that i hopped a train uptown to visit my one and only coworker, who i’ve worked with for more than 10 years, as i’d never seen his apt. since he moved from berkeley to NY a few years ago. it was a short trip that included a visit to St. John’s Cathedral and a walk to Columbia where he was giving an evening guest lecture.

back on the train downtown to the village to meet up with Alliedise and CGlush, my old phishy phriends!  we had a great dinner at Kin Shop – a thai fusion place that was delish! – and then headed out for cocktails.  tried to get in Death and Co. – i really loved the carved gothic doors – but it was so crowded maitre d’ dude wouldn’t even let us inside.  so a quick phone call and off to Please Don’t Tell, which i won’t tell you about except that it was hands down my favorite of all the bars i went to (which in 10 days has to be at least 20).  other friends joined in and it turned into yet another very late and mostly sleepless night.

very early (6:45) the next (Wed.) morning i travelled back to brooklyn (aside: on the oh-hi-i’ve-been-up-all-night-drinking-on-a-weeknight walk of shame on the train, during AM rush hour, a woman dressed much like any other commuter is standing 12 inches from me.  she is loudly evangalizing: “YOU ARE THE PROBLEM WITH THIS WORLD. LOOK AT YOURSELF. YOU KNOW YOU ARE A SINNER. YOU KNOW IT. DEEP DOWN. YOU KNOW YOU ARE THE PROBLEM. SEE THE LIGHT. TAKE JESUS AS YOUR SAVIOR AND BECOME GOOD, NOT EVIL…and on in that vein. at first i was like OMG CLASSIC NEW YORK CRAZY and initially aggravated, but then i determined i was not going to be affected by her words, and i just started watching her closely. she was mostly eloquent. she was sincere.  she sounded genuinely concerned. and so i just watched her face. watched her speak, watched her eyes look at no one. then she got off. i wondered if she does that regularly. or with direction.) (also: early morning joggers always make me feel more shame than commuters. getting up and going to work is de rigueur. but getting up to jog represents something i have never had and seeing them while i’m making my way home sometimes makes me question my priorities.) i  grabbed a backpack full of beachy things, and hopped the LIRR to go see Reagan at the beach.  by this point i needed a vacation from my vacation. i was in Wantagh by 11:00am and half asleep on the beach for the rest of the afternoon after that.

in the evening Orange arrived, and we made Big Gulp sized margaritas and headed a half mile down the beach to:

according to RBM, this kind of thing never happens there. down the way is Jones Beach amphitheater, but this was right there in their little town and FREE on the BEACH and this was a BIG DEAL. and the crowd proved it.  thousands!  really!

to start it off the mayor and some other people got up and started talking and during this we went over to the beach and had fun jumping off the lifeguard stands into the sand.  some tweenie girls with Bieber t-shirts who were also doing this took these photos of us:

and then, back to the show. now, i have never been a huge Billy Joel fan. the Greatest Hits existed in my college house just so we could get drunk and sing Piano Man at 4am. repeatedly.  so anyway – i was super pleasantly surprised at how good this cover band was (they were not joking with the “Ultimate” descriptor) and also surprised at myself that i did actually know a lot of the words to the songs i didn’t even realize i knew.  they also covered Tiny Dancer which made my day and then Whole Lotta Love, which you wouldn’t think a Billy Joel Cover Band would be able to nail but they did a hell of a job on that.

most of the other attendees had brought lawn chairs and blankets and picnics and coolers and whatnot. all we had was our enormous margaritas, and eventually summoned the Brother to bring the other half of the bottle of tequila which we drank just like, straight. most of the other attendees also stayed seated in said lawnchairs, but we were DANCING and after a while a whole slew of Women With Husbands Who Don’t Dance joined us and we started our own little dance party there on stage right.

it was actually kind of a long show and by the end of it we were exhausted from screaming and dancing, and also totally tanked.  i had to wrangle the girls away from trying to talk some security guards into coming home with us, and we (us three + Mom, Brother, and Brother’s GF) walked back home.  we all eventually went to bed, but as tweeted, someone woke up on top of the pool table after having gone to sleep in a BED and it wasn’t me.  i laughed so hard when this was revealed i almost fell down.

anyway, up early before 6am again on Thurs AM (so many early mornings in new york!) to retrieve Jay from his red-eye flight into JFK despite irreconcilable hangovers from that bottle of tequila.  jay retrieved, back to the beach. the morning was fogged in (so nice after NYC heat!!!) but it eventually burned off, and Reagan’s brother took us out on his boat from some pull-behind-the-boat tubing action on the little inlet.  this looked super fun but also looked like i might hurt my shoulder if i tried, as people were getting THROWN from that thing, so i did not participate.  boat was also acting janky, and so we headed back to the beach.  not as nice of a beachy beach day as the day before – windy/sandblown and the water was rougher.  so we lounged around, and then in early evening got back on the LIRR and headed back to Brooklyn.

where it was HOTTTT.  man. whew.  it took us a while to get back to our host apt and then we headed out again for a late dinner with W.O. and Kat, which of course led to after dinner drinks and by around midnight i totally CRASHED.

so where are we now.  Friday. i had now been in NY for a full week and i think i got maybe 3 nights of actual sleep?  unclear.  also, i can’t eat well in the heat and had about 5 iced coffees every day.  so i was starting to get that end-of-the-week-at-burning-man feeling.  sort of light and not quite focused.  we had breakfast at an airconditioned coffee shop (which had a totally oversharing young sexy counter staff) and then headed to midtown to have lunch at a vegan japanese place with Bex before she left the country, and got to see C and her tiny baby girl.  by the time we got done with lunch it was literally 104 degrees in manhattan – i saw the temp on a clock tower.

we opted to walk through central park anyway, and eventually came upon some kids playing in a sprinkler.  adults were going by sweating buckets in all directions, tourists looking like they were going to drop dead kept walking, but we were like OH YES and took off everything we could in public and joined the kids in the sprinkler.  definite HIGHLIGHT.

and then back on the train to Brooklyn for happy hour.  a lot of our friends were going that evening to see the Glitch Mob somewhere, so this was a pre-gathering of sorts.  we were not going to that show, and so after the many happy hours instead had a late dinner at IndochineNY. great atmosphere, if a little kitchy, super hot wait staff, good cocktails. and then out for more cocktails. and more. until we ended up back in Brooklyn at the Fulton Grand until 3am+, where some wasted asshat made a snide Paris Hilton comment at me. i really wanted to punch him and that’s when i knew it was time to go home.

saturday we got up slowly and eventually braved the heat and made it to the Brooklyn flea market. lots of cool stuff, but we were SWEATING.  i never sweat. it was amazing how much i was sweating.  hopped the train to PS1 -formerly public school #1, now an extension of MoMA where they have afternoon parties in their courtyard.  i don’t want to talk too much shit about the art inside, but none of us liked it. except for the longstanding piece “Meeting” by James Turrell, which is one of the old classrooms with benches along with walls and a big hole to the sky.  so simple, yet so much more enjoyable than the videos of people screaming on an endless loop.

anyway, when they redid PS1 into the museum, they bought out the houses/buildings around the sides to demolish and create the outdoor spaces, but one of the landowners wouldn’t sell. and now, some friends of friends live in the only remaining apartment building, which has a deck that literally sits above the courtyard where the party is going on. it’s definitely baller to sit up there on a hot afternoon with a couple of bottles of champagne and watch the crowd.

um…..then. saturday night. back to brooklyn. to dinner party. to bar. and finally, a late night hottub party. that went until the sun was well up.  i finally went to sleep at 11:00am on Sunday. and that’s all i’ll say about that.

sunday then, as you can imagine, was more than a little surreal. i slept for 3 hours but then we had to get back to the host apartment, pack our stuff, and get on a plane back to SFO.  and thus ended my 10 days in NYC.

.::.

things i did not do:

see the Statue of Liberty, even in the distance. (maybe i did from the brooklyn bridge?)

visit Ground Zero

go to Times Square or anywhere near it

go to the Zoo

see some people i wanted to

shop nearly enough

.::.

i went to yoga today and my instructor said she was a little out of it and low energy because she’s doing the 10 day master cleanse.  i was like, yeah, i feel you, because i am still pretty exhausted and so had empathy. even though i’ve been home for 3 days, i still feel in recovery. while i did what was perhaps the opposite of a traditional cleanse, as i’ve mentioned before with burning man,  it’s actually sort of the same in terms of deprivation and your body going into survival mode, which at a certain point starts to feel euphoric. after 10 days of extreme heat, tons of water to stay hydrated, too many iced coffees, sleep deprivation, walking  miles and miles every day (after a couple of days of walking in the heat my feet were so swollen every pair of shoes i had gave me blisters and eventually i had my feet almost totally taped. not to mention all the other weird bruises and scrapes i somehow acquired. sexy.), dancing, too many bars and drinks to count, and most importantly, the constant enveloping feeling of love from all of my amazing friends, by the time i got off the plane late sunday evening, i was practically delirious. but it felt really good to be alive.

.::.

many thx again to all the lovelies who put me up, picked me up, took me out, danced with me, drank with me, ate with me, walked with me, laughed with me, sang with me, talked with me, lounged with me, soaked with me, napped with me, sweat your ass off with me, beached with me, walked me home, called me a car.  especially Bex and Nat for hosting. so amazing.

i’d like to blame this on NY and the heat but maybe it’s just me

a sunday expected to be chill and healthy with afternoon yoga and dinner somehow became a 12 hour marathon that included many things i rarely ever do. like drink white wine (never!). and frozen margaritas from a machine (many!). and more bottles of white wine while howling at the moon from a rooftop in brooklyn at 3am!  i swear: today i am taking it easy and tonight i am going to SLEEP! it will be hard, whatwith going to visit dangermarc soon, but at least i have a lot of current evidence that i am not the Enemy of Fun he once accused me of being at burning man.

so far in NY, in brief

Thurs AM departure – upgraded on flight (SFO to JFK) – was able to lay down/relax, which was an amazing gift since i woke up Thurs AM with some intense shoulder/neck pain (why on a travel day?????)

arrived thurs PM, but my luggage somehow did not even though it was checked 90mins ahead. was supposed to be delivered btw 12:00-6:00am.

had late dinner at nice italian wine bar w/bex

tried to sleep at 2:00am (11:00pm PST). half slept/half waited for luggage, did not sleep well.

Friday – luggage finally delivered 10:30am. left house solo at 1:00ish, walked through brooklyn, found a burrito (why must i have an intense burrito craving the first day in NY!) and walked over the brooklyn bridge.

took quick train to SoHo, did some shopping. was once again accused of being a Russian.

met up with bex for vegan dinner at http://www.blossomnyc.com/ . DELISH.

then we went to Fuerza Bruta dance/performance in union square, a friend of a friend is in the show. awesome, like a waking dream.  and definitely a dream job. also included an audience-participation induced club-dance-party element which was hilarious with all the tourists types.  highly recommended.  maybe if you live in NY go for the rush tickets one night.

came back to brooklyn and had a beer at Fulton Grand, went to sleep around 1:00am

Sat AM got up at 7:15 to get to Met by 9:00 for the Alexander McQueen w/Bex and coworker Bennett. i’m not sure what to say right now.  Savage Beauty.  inspired and distraught.

after, got some froyo and walked through central park to the west side, took train to chelsea, went to Chelsea Market, got thai food, had lunch on the High Line.  HOT. full of tourists. but beautiful.

back to brooklyn, totally crashed into an afternoon nap.

6:00 – backyard BBQ/cool-tub party.  funtimes.  eventually ended up at Burning Man Temple fundraiser in Fort Greene/Brooklyn at an old church. Jesus’ Beatitudes still on the wall, now with a psychedelic projection overlay.  perfectly apt, IMO.

so far in 2 days i have walked >22972+23560 steps in new york city according to my #fitbit.

and now it’s sunday morning (relative).  just got up and my throat is totally sore as if there was a lot of screaming involved last night. apologies to william & steph’s neighbors. and soon i am off to wander and go to yoga with aB.

At This Party

I don’t want to be the only one here
Telling all the secrets -
Filling up all the bowls at this party,
Taking all the laughs.
I would like you
To start putting things on the table
That can also feed the soul
The way I do.
That way
We can invite
A hell of a lot more
Friends.

–Hafiz

now that my mind is half cleared up and my body recovering from endless walks and dances and backyard barbeques and the weather has returned to its usual Cold July Fog, i can maybe say something in full sentences.  or not; this blog post is turning into one of those soups that simmers for too long and i’ve thrown too many ingredients into and it becomes unrecognizable as one thing. there is obvi a lot of intersection among these topics in my life, so please forgive the impending ramble.

first, the party.  does it need explanation again? this was the 6th year for Priceless, and the fact that we pack not only camping gear but also tuxedos and evening wear is now somehow de rigueur. like a matryoshka doll, there are parties within the parties within the party.  we were there for 5 nights/5 days, and i managed to only miss a couple of things.  i have become skilled at willed awakeness to the point that i didn’t even have to overdose on caffeine trying to stay up.  i just decided i would.  i got very very tired, but not cracked out.  it was nice!

speaking of which, today Ariel is quoted in this piece on NPR: How the Internet Transformed the American Rave Scene:

“I worked so much overtime trying to talk about how the rave scene wasn’t all about drugs,” says Ariel Meadow Stallings, who published and edited the rave zine Lotus in Seattle during the late ’90s. “It was very noble of me, and I still do believe it wasn’t all about drugs. But it is a drug culture. Even if you’re not on drugs, the culture of the party is determined by the fact that there are people there who are.”

i was thinking a lot about that topic at the party.  many of us have stopped doing drugs, but the mood and expectation of what happens/what music/what decor is still defined by when we WERE. is Rave now an aesthetic?

secondly, over the weekend i read this new yorker piece on internet dating, and while i have never internet dated, i have met many of my current BFFs (excepting jay) online before meeting in person.  so it really spoke to me that the article posited that internet dating is not so weird, as many people might initially find it, but actually a return to how humans used to meet:

“In a way, the online persona, with its lists of favorite bands and books, its roster of essential values and tourist destinations, represents a cheaper and more direct way of signalling one’s worth and taste than the kinds of affect that people have relied on for centuries—headgear, jewelry, perfume, tattoos…

…Fisher contends that dating online is a reversion to an ancient, even primal approach to pairing off. She conjures millions of years of human prehistory: small groups of hunter-gatherers wandering the savanna, and then congregating a few times a year at this or that watering hole. Amid the merriment and the information exchange, the adolescents develop eyes for one another, in view of their elders and peers. The groups likely know each other, from earlier gatherings or hunting parties. “In the ever present gossip circles,” Fisher once wrote, “a young girl could easily collect data on a potential suitor’s hunting skills, even on whether he was amusing, kind, smart.”

It wasn’t until the twentieth century that it became normal for young people to pair up with strangers, in real or relative anonymity. “Walking into a bar is totally artificial,” Fisher told me. “We’ve come to believe that this is the way to court. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. What’s natural is knowing a few fundamental things about someone before you meet.” Vetting has always occurred at many levels, ranging from the genealogical to the pheromonal. In her view, dating via the Internet enables, as she wrote, “the modern human brain to pursue more comfortably its ancestral mating dance.”

i couldn’t agree more.  i started meeting people online not for dating, but for social connections, specifically phish and the Phunky Bitches, in 1997/1998, and some of them to this day remain my best friends. our online community provided information and context for our relationship before we committed to doing what could be considered somewhat dangerous things together (historically speaking): road trips into the wilderness, intoxicated rendezvous. how many of my friends are of the hundreds of people i’ve met randomly at parties and night clubs? so few, and the thought of going on a date with a totally unvetted person makes me wince. but people i’ve met online have invited me into their homes, picked me up from the airport, sent me goods, and vice versa and in my experience there has almost never been a problem.

one other choice quote from that article not directly relative to this point but slightly:

I had a talk-about-dating date with a freelance researcher named Julia Kamin, who, over twelve years as a dater on various sites, has boiled down all the competing compatibility criteria to the question of, as she put it, “Are we laughing at the same shit?”

when anyone asks me again in the future, i will quote that right there as the key to happy LTRs (romantic, platonic, communal, or otherwise).

tapestry

DSC_8989.jpg, originally uploaded by broxtronix

at the gala in the woods

#lovemonkeys #priceless2011 #discocamping

relax

img005, originally uploaded by Bex from Hex.

#priceless

once again

stomped and dreamed

splashed and shadowed

glide trip bounce dive grind float laugh

soaring high above the trees in starlight

sneaking under blackberry brambles in pitch black liquid darkness

tanned and de/hydrated

starving and satiated

wet skin scrubbed clean with sand

the train rumbles by and the music goes right through you

joy so alive it feels like dying

rapt in love

wrapped in dust

swallowed and born

again