intellectual properties

pigglespants

(for those of you reading via RSS or facebook: please note: this item from February is being reposted as it was accidentally deleted during a server backup).

Piggles was spunky and curious and liked to play with toys. but she was also a difficult cat from the day we brought her home from the humane society. she didn’t show affection in normal ways. she had issues with litterboxes. she ate things she wasn’t supposed to. she would make a lot of noise in the middle of the night and then use her claws to wake you up early in the morning wanting food. she fought with other cats, including her adopted sister. and i admit that sometimes i was so frustrated i cursed her. still, i loved her and i did not treat her any differently than the other cat, but as with children, i think they know when you have a favorite.

and so a huge amount of guilt washed over me when, after several days of deteriorating health that eventually led to her becoming weak and lethargic and dehydrated from not eating or drinking anything at all, we took her to the vet at 8:00am this morning and after many tests learned this evening that Piggles hadn’t just eaten something funny (last time it was yarn). she was very, very sick. the words you never want to hear: cancer. the ultrasound revealed that despite her relatively young age, our cat had what looked like both an aggressive lymphoma as well as feline pancreatitis. the prognosis for treatment was not good at all and the vet said that even if we did everything we could she would probably still end up being sick and in pain and uncomfortable for a long time.

i could barely face her when the time came to say good-bye. it wasn’t just that she was so, so sick and i was putting her to sleep, like the last time when we put our beloved cat Sahar to sleep. that is hard, but logical. it was the guilt. i will always feel guilty about this. about whether somehow, those curses under my breath had some role in her demise. or the other side of the same coin, that maybe it isn’t just superstition that one of the ways the universe works is that love protects; that maybe loving her more would have kept her from getting sick. please don’t try to convince me otherwise. i will carry guilt for the rest of my life that i should have loved her more. i will. always.

there’s also a huge amount of dissonance as a 10+ year vegetarian who believes that all animals have a right to healthy, happy lives to decide to end a life, even when you know it’s the most humane thing to do. the only comfort i have right now is that the vet agreed completely that it was a correct response, and obviously she was the one who had to actually do the deed. so i only have what was her objective, medical opinion to comfort me in not feeling like i acted selfishly, rashly.

i wanted to scream when the injections where made but instead we whispered our love to her and petted her and held her close until her body relaxed and her heart stopped beating. 6:34 pm.

i did not expect when we walked into the vet this morning that i would never walk out with her again, and to walk out of that room and leave her body there was almost impossible.

embedded in this is the nightmare that everyone fears: you think you have the flu, or maybe an infection. you go to the doctor thinking you’ll walk out with some pills and a “drink lots of fluids and get lots of rest” Rx. and instead the doctor comes back and looks at you gravely and tells you that you are not going to live. and in fact, you are probably never going to leave this hospital again alive and it’s best if we just get it over with now. the kitty, i do not think, realized this. we lived this nightmare for her, in fast forward speed, less than 10 hours. we walked out in a hysterical daze. did that really just happen? did we really just have to do that? is she really just gone? just like that? it was a dream. a nightmare. and on top of everything else that i something that is going to take me a long while to get over.

thanks to everyone for your well wishes and support.

love the ones you’re with.

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