i think my writing has improved considerably, but this hasn’t really become anything other than what it’s always been. and that’s fine with me. it warms my heart when other people say they like/read my blog, even though the amount of content has dropped off due to a lot more of my commentary going through twitter and gReader, but i still actually feel a little sad when people i assume to be my friends (or my PARENTS) don’t read this, because while those other outlets are more interactive, this is where i write the things i really want to remember. the personal stuff.
on a larger scale, thinking about me in 2001 vs. me in 2011 is on the one hand pleasant (still sticking to my guns on ethics/lifestyle, no major life calamities have occurred, i’m happy and healthy person) and on the other hand sort of depressing. i am living almost the same life now as i was 10 years ago. same city. same partner. SAME JOB.
also: i turn 35 this year. shouldn’t i have done something by now? i don’t mean marriage/house/kids/grad school/standard metrics of growth. i mean….. something **ME**. something more than what i’ve done. some boundaries pushed. something of ME to show. something that FEELS substantial. but what is that? GAH. i don’t know. that’s what drives me crazy (and i’m sure i’ve driven some of my friends crazy going around and around about it too). i haven’t accomplished anything really personally noteworthy yet and i feel like i’ve already “settled down” not just without meaning to but in fact, actively working against. how does that happen?
this post took me a couple of weeks to write because of all the things going on and also because it just sounded repetitive and whiny (eh, still does). but i spent a lot of time thinking about it – this 10 year period – and when i really thought about it, one significant change is that 10 years ago, i worried a lot about being pretty enough. i’m (sort of) done with that. now i worry a lot about being smart enough.
also: the realization that knowing who you are and knowing what you want to be are TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. now that i think i have a fairly good grip on the former, the latter is really starting to make me angsty. (yes, i know that this is a Beatles song, ORANGE.)
in general, things are feeling really purgatorial here in my life. February has been rough for me emotionally, and i have some spirits dwelling in me that need to be exorcised. March 2011 is going to involve some exorcisms. some will be gentle. others might hurt. the rest of 2011 then needs to involve something that feels substantial. i really don’t want to delve more into that right now. just know that i think about it all the time, and whatever happens, this blog is where it will be recorded. because this is my autobiography.Filed in autobiographical, blogging | Tagged with exploding dog | Comment (0)