2/15/01 – 2/15/11: 10 years of autobiography (my life is a Beatles song)
february 15th was the 10 year anniversary of this blog (first post). (my blog is older than dooce! but oh so less profitable……)
i think my writing has improved considerably, but this hasn’t really become anything other than what it’s always been. and that’s fine with me. it warms my heart when other people say they like/read my blog, even though the amount of content has dropped off due to a lot more of my commentary going through twitter and gReader, but i still actually feel a little sad when people i assume to be my friends (or my PARENTS) don’t read this, because while those other outlets are more interactive, this is where i write the things i really want to remember. the personal stuff.
on a larger scale, thinking about me in 2001 vs. me in 2011 is on the one hand pleasant (still sticking to my guns on ethics/lifestyle, no major life calamities have occurred, i’m happy and healthy person) and on the other hand sort of depressing. i am living almost the same life now as i was 10 years ago. same city. same partner. SAME JOB.
also: i turn 35 this year. shouldn’t i have done something by now? i don’t mean marriage/house/kids/grad school/standard metrics of growth. i mean….. something **ME**. something more than what i’ve done. some boundaries pushed. something of ME to show. something that FEELS substantial. but what is that? GAH. i don’t know. that’s what drives me crazy (and i’m sure i’ve driven some of my friends crazy going around and around about it too). i haven’t accomplished anything really personally noteworthy yet and i feel like i’ve already “settled down” not just without meaning to but in fact, actively working against. how does that happen?
this post took me a couple of weeks to write because of all the things going on and also because it just sounded repetitive and whiny (eh, still does). but i spent a lot of time thinking about it – this 10 year period – and when i really thought about it, one significant change is that 10 years ago, i worried a lot about being pretty enough. i’m (sort of) done with that. now i worry a lot about being smart enough.
also: the realization that knowing who you are and knowing what you want to be are TWO VERY DIFFERENT THINGS. now that i think i have a fairly good grip on the former, the latter is really starting to make me angsty. (yes, i know that this is a Beatles song, ORANGE.)
in general, things are feeling really purgatorial here in my life. February has been rough for me emotionally, and i have some spirits dwelling in me that need to be exorcised. March 2011 is going to involve some exorcisms. some will be gentle. others might hurt. the rest of 2011 then needs to involve something that feels substantial. i really don’t want to delve more into that right now. just know that i think about it all the time, and whatever happens, this blog is where it will be recorded. because this is my autobiography.
songs that make me cry
in the past week i’ve heard the Neil Young song “Helpless” twice, playing in the background in random places, and although i don’t have any particular personal memory attachment to the song, it about makes me cry.
other songs with instant tear-jerk factor:
2. wish you were here – pink floyd
4. bridge over troubled waters – simon & garfunkel
5. hold on – sarah mclachlan
i am getting really weepy and sentimental in my old age.
Filed in music | Comment (0)sage advice
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United States Food Administration poster, 1914-1918
Filed in culture and random linkage, food, health & vegetarianism | Comment (0)ghosts
(for those of you reading via RSS or facebook: please note: this item from February is being reposted as it was accidentally deleted during a server backup).
the other day the power went out at home. it was afternoon and i had no lights on, no stereo, i was just sitting on the couch reading email on my laptop, so there was nothing obvious to go off. but still, suddenly there was a loss of energy in the air, a lack of vibration, a sudden silence deeper than the silence that was already there.
it’s been a week now since Piggles has been gone and i still automatically look for her, sitting by the window or curled up on her stool or running for food when we fill the bowls. cats don’t generally make a lot of noise, so it’s rather surprising how much more silence there is now to get used to.
for robert palmer
addicted to love @ lov3sick4 :: 2/14/11 :: photo by del.geronimo
Filed in fashion, photos | Tagged with lovesick | Comment (0)i sing the body electric
(for those of you reading via RSS or facebook: please note: this item from February is being reposted as it was accidentally deleted during a server backup).
I have perceiv’d that to be with those I like is enough,
to stop in company with the rest at evening is enough,
To be surrounded by beautiful, curious, breathing laughing flesh is enough,
To pass among them or touch any one, or rest my arm ever so lightly
round his or her neck for a moment, what is this then?
I do not ask any more delight, I swim in it as in a sea.
.::.
I am larger, better than I thought,
I did not know I held so much goodness.
All seems beautiful to me,
I can repeat over to men and women, You have done such good to me
I would do the same to you,
I will recruit for myself and you as I go,
I will scatter myself among men and women as I go,
I will toss a new gladness and roughness among them,
Whoever denies me it shall not trouble me,
Whoever accepts me he or she shall be blessed and shall bless me.
.::.
Now I see the secret of the makings of the best persons,
It is to grow in the open air and to eat and sleep with the earth.
~ excerpts of Walt Whitman, 19. I Sing the body Electric and 82. Song of the Open Road from Leaves of Grass
via Promise <3
dinner
(for those of you reading via RSS or facebook: please note: this item from February is being reposted as it was accidentally deleted during a server backup).
red chard, sweet potatoes, shiitake mushrooms, green onions, chicken eggs. all organic. chopped into pieces and lightly stir fried with garlic, salt, pepper, sesame and chia seeds. sriracha hot sauce added for spicy. simple. yum.
Filed in food, health & vegetarianism | Comment (0)pigglespants
(for those of you reading via RSS or facebook: please note: this item from February is being reposted as it was accidentally deleted during a server backup).
Piggles was spunky and curious and liked to play with toys. but she was also a difficult cat from the day we brought her home from the humane society. she didn’t show affection in normal ways. she had issues with litterboxes. she ate things she wasn’t supposed to. she would make a lot of noise in the middle of the night and then use her claws to wake you up early in the morning wanting food. she fought with other cats, including her adopted sister. and i admit that sometimes i was so frustrated i cursed her. still, i loved her and i did not treat her any differently than the other cat, but as with children, i think they know when you have a favorite.
and so a huge amount of guilt washed over me when, after several days of deteriorating health that eventually led to her becoming weak and lethargic and dehydrated from not eating or drinking anything at all, we took her to the vet at 8:00am this morning and after many tests learned this evening that Piggles hadn’t just eaten something funny (last time it was yarn). she was very, very sick. the words you never want to hear: cancer. the ultrasound revealed that despite her relatively young age, our cat had what looked like both an aggressive lymphoma as well as feline pancreatitis. the prognosis for treatment was not good at all and the vet said that even if we did everything we could she would probably still end up being sick and in pain and uncomfortable for a long time.
i could barely face her when the time came to say good-bye. it wasn’t just that she was so, so sick and i was putting her to sleep, like the last time when we put our beloved cat Sahar to sleep. that is hard, but logical. it was the guilt. i will always feel guilty about this. about whether somehow, those curses under my breath had some role in her demise. or the other side of the same coin, that maybe it isn’t just superstition that one of the ways the universe works is that love protects; that maybe loving her more would have kept her from getting sick. please don’t try to convince me otherwise. i will carry guilt for the rest of my life that i should have loved her more. i will. always.
there’s also a huge amount of dissonance as a 10+ year vegetarian who believes that all animals have a right to healthy, happy lives to decide to end a life, even when you know it’s the most humane thing to do. the only comfort i have right now is that the vet agreed completely that it was a correct response, and obviously she was the one who had to actually do the deed. so i only have what was her objective, medical opinion to comfort me in not feeling like i acted selfishly, rashly.
i wanted to scream when the injections where made but instead we whispered our love to her and petted her and held her close until her body relaxed and her heart stopped beating. 6:34 pm.
i did not expect when we walked into the vet this morning that i would never walk out with her again, and to walk out of that room and leave her body there was almost impossible.
embedded in this is the nightmare that everyone fears: you think you have the flu, or maybe an infection. you go to the doctor thinking you’ll walk out with some pills and a “drink lots of fluids and get lots of rest” Rx. and instead the doctor comes back and looks at you gravely and tells you that you are not going to live. and in fact, you are probably never going to leave this hospital again alive and it’s best if we just get it over with now. the kitty, i do not think, realized this. we lived this nightmare for her, in fast forward speed, less than 10 hours. we walked out in a hysterical daze. did that really just happen? did we really just have to do that? is she really just gone? just like that? it was a dream. a nightmare. and on top of everything else that i something that is going to take me a long while to get over.
thanks to everyone for your well wishes and support.
love the ones you’re with.
Filed in autobiographical | Tagged with cats | Comment (0)2/1/98 – 2/1/11
13 years
it’s hard to not have high expectations of someone who is capable of so much.
so much passion. so much life. so much beauty. so much spirit. so much love.
but expectations get us no where. only trust that it all will be.
if i have faith in anything, it’s you.
