intellectual properties

not fun

one of my new years resolutions is going to be that i will try to be more positive, at least vocally and publicly if not successfully internally.  less ranting, less expression of exasperation/jadedness/hatertude, less wallowing, more focus on gratitude and affecting change for the better in my little world instead of worrying about the big one so much.

so while it’s still 2010 let me gripe/whine for a minute.  a longer post reflecting on 2010 and moving into 2011 is (maybe) pending, but these current bullet points from this morning sort of sum how this whole year has felt for me:

–waking up to a negative bank account balance is not fun

–not feeling confident to go places/buy things you want to for the holidays because of empty bank account is not fun

–having your first email of the day be from a disgruntled tenant with a soaked computer because the roof leaked all over his office because you can’t afford to fix it is not fun

–a full year of ongoing chronic neck/shoulder/back pain that appears nonresponsive to hundreds of dollars in treatment is not fun

–i’ll keep this brief right now but i’ve been going back and forth too much in my head about how much of this is self-inflicted misery (what more should/could i be doing to help these situations for myself), and that is also not fun.

i had some awesomeness this year (Priceless, Chile/Peru, Burning Man, fun weekend excursions and things with friends/family), and i am super grateful for those times and people and i don’t mean to belittle them, but overall, the other 45ish weeks of this year have felt like personal purgatory (see: notes from February, not to mention the mental impact of global socio-political-economic situations) and NOT FUN.

it feels pretty terrible to write that. not fun.

yeah, maybe i’m just an actual grownup now with grownup responsibilities and problems, but i refuse to believe in “acceptance” of things you can change (aka settling) and don’t think that wanting the majority of your life to be/feel FUN is too much to ask. and this is where most of my not fun comes from: i know i can change some of these things, that life is what you make it, but the fact is that i haven’t.  acknowledging this (and the possible reasons why) is NOT FUN.

i digress, but hopefully that will be the last big of negativity you read from me (at least for a little while…).

Filed in autobiographical, resolutions | Tagged with pain management | Comment (1)