i used to think i was a pretty chill person. but i am not, and i have not ever been. that image of the laid back hippie chick was just a dream.
when i was younger my anxiety manifested itself as social awkardness, nerdiness, etc. but then as i got older i learned how to control that, to “groom” an outward persona closer to cool. and i think what happened is all that anxiety went inward and is now manifesting itself physically. i have an almost constant stomach ache. my ongoing shoulder/muscle pain is now over a year old. i have actual Anxiety Attacks.
i still have my totally socially awkward moments, in the worse of which i am a total Manic, overly flirtatious and rather aggressive, and afterward i am always a bit embarrassed, and wonder if anyone else noticed.
but in general, day to day, i am usually just sort of trembling inside. other times the feeling starts to overwhelm my whole experience. as mentioned, when i got back from burning man, i was so hella relaxed people kept asking me what was wrong because i wasn’t my usual self.
last night we went camping at China Camp in Marin – one last time for the year, before DST adjusts again tomorrow and the short, dark, damp days descent upon us.
for my body and mind, i have found nothing as therapeutic as time spent in the woods.Filed in autobiographical, me myself and i | Tagged with anxiety, NaBloPoMo | Comment (0)