intellectual properties

burning man 2010 prologue: the desert and the mind

“In such circumstances the mind is influenced through the body.  Though your mouth glows, and your skin is parched, yet you feel no languor,- the effect of dry heat; your lungs are lightened, your sight brightens, your memory recovers its tone, and your spirits become exuberant.  Your fancy and imagination are powerfully aroused, and the wildness and sublimity of the scenes around you, stir up all the energies in your soul, whether exertion, danger, or strife.  Your morale improves; you become frank and cordial, hospitable and single-minded; the hypocritical politeness and the slavery of Civilization are left behind you.  Your senses are quickened; they require no stimulants but air and exercise; in the desert spiritous liquors excite only disgust.

There is a keen enjoyment in mere animal existence.  The sharp appetite disposes of the most indigestible food; the sand is softer than a bed of down, and the purity of the air suddenly puts flight a dire cohort of diseases.

Here Nature returns to Man, however unworthily he has treated her, and, believe me, when once your tastes have conformed to the tranquility of such travel, you will suffer real pain in returning to the turmoil of civilization.  You will anticipate the bustle and confusion of artificial life, its luxuries and its false pleasures, with repugnance. Depressed in spirits, you will for a time after your return feel incapable of mental or bodily exertion.  The air of the Cities will suffocate you, and the careworn and cadaverous countenances of citizens will haunt you like a vision of judgment.”

Source: Personal journal entry of Richard Burton during his Pilgrimage to Meccah and Medinah circa 1853. From ‘The Life of Captain Sir Richard Francis Burton’ by Isabel Burton, published in 1893 –via the 7/8/10 Jack Rabbit Speaks

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yes, burning man is art. and parties. and revelry. san francisco values to the max. and perhaps even a secular religious experience on par in cultivity, mysticism and worship of the extremes as snake-handling and ancient egyptian rituals.

but what i love most is the desert. i love being in the desert. i love the feel of being dusty. i love hot sun followed by cool night winds. i love my body being forced to reckon with nature. and not having a choice about it.

despite our wonderful vacation to south america, i am carrying much stress, still, and i am still dealing with this pain management issue that because it’s tiring and boring and unchanging i’ve stopped talking about but is still present.

and while many will go to burning man to have the ultimate excited social experience – thousands of new friends and neighbors, amazing things to participate in 24/7 – i intend to spend a lot of time alone on the playa this year. calming down. this is an intention. but it is also a result of circumstance.

jay can’t go to burning man this year. his work during this time requires him to be at least online and reachable by phone. this means, that for the first time in our 12.5 year relationship, one of us will be going on an extended, non-family vacation without the other. yes, we’ve each gone to michigan to see our families without the other. and in the winter jay often goes up to tahoe on weekends to do the snowy sports things that i don’t like. but the difference here is that once i get somewhere north of Reno, my phone will stop working. and there will be no communication until i come back, 6-7 days later, depending.

this is making us both sad and i think a little nervous. sad because it’s not that jay doesn’t WANT to go – he can’t. and nervous due to separation anxiety. we’ve never been this long apart.

every day that my departure gets closer, our feelings about this amplify and it gets harder to wrap our heads, and arms, around.

i thought about not going. but i want this. i won’t say need, but it feels like need. i want this.

i saw my friend last weekend, shortly after we’d returned from south america, and she noted how much different i looked than the last time she had seen me. younger, she said. my face – so relaxed. so less tense. and it’s true. sometimes you don’t know how much you’re carrying until the weight has been lifted. and i still have more weight to shed.

i am also looking forward to practicing some self-reliance. yes, i am camping with an awesome camp of 50 people i trust and love, inside a village that has a population of…150?. but i’ve never gone to burning man without jay, i’ve never had to consider and organize all of my own logistics – getting to and from, my tent (how to stake it down/cover it up), my food (how much? what cold? what cooking?), my bike. i am not nervous about this – especially since i think my personal needs regarding these things are pretty minimal, and there will be a lot of infrastructure and support. what will be different most of all will be managing all of my own time. outside of a few camp obligations, i will have all of my own time to manage, without the consideration of pull of anyone else’s needs/wants/agenda.

what will i do with myself?

i am hoping that the desert provides me with what i need right now. i just don’t know what that is.

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previously at burning man: 2004 – 2005 -2006 – 2007 – 2008 – but not 2009

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