post script/ramble
at first i was afraid of the act itself, but with some words of encouragement, i soon got over that. later, it was realizing that with the internet, what would have formerly been a discrete (and discreet) experience now lives on forever in the public eye.
walking down a runway in front of 300 of my peers with nothing on top, a corset, and hotpants. no bra, no shirt, no pants, no skirt, no fishnets, no tights. this might not be that big of a big deal, like going to the beach, if it weren’t on a runway, but getting up on a stage on a bathing suit would also be incredibly uncomfortable for most women. therefore, i almost turned down the opportunity to do this thing that i really wanted to do because of body shame, and also because of a nagging question that goes something like: what kind of girl does that make me?
what does it matter? some antiquated thoughts about being a properly lady mixed in with the memories of my father not wanting me to wear long earrings and my parents upset at my first tattoo rattling around and up against my rebellious nature and my feelings that our culture is so incredibly stupid about bodies and what they mean and are meant for, wanting to say “fuck you” to the notion that “nice girls”, smart girls, real women don’t have flaming red hair and tattoos and they would never, ever take their clothes off.
so at the moment at the fitting when i had to decide “yes i will do this” or “no i won’t”, despite my anxiety, i couldn’t bring myself to look at the designer and say “no, i’m sorry, i can’t do that.” i realized i would be more ashamed of saying “no, i can’t do that” than i would be of being naked. so i said yes. partly to challenge myself, to do the thing that scares me, and partly to be part of the growing movement that says hey: first of all, stop making us feel ashamed of our bodies, and also: sexy+woman does not = any lesser an anything.
i also recalled vera’s similar experience over a year ago, and the feedback she was given: “You’re totally fine. Enjoy this. One day you’ll be 90, and your body won’t look like this anymore. Be thankful for what you have now.”
but then watching some horrible reality show on VH1 the other day i see women with fake boobs and lip injections and hair extensions and stripper shoes – and i struggle to balance my image of myself and how i might appear to other people against that extreme. i don’t want to look like *them*. but now, with this, who thinks that about me?
i know mainstream culture has come a long way around on not judging books by their covers, but it will never be full circle. millions of years of DNA and basic human nature prevents that. so was this some sort of post – post- feminist (re)action, or playing into generations of objectification? so many strippers will tell you that they are feminists, and that they are not the ones being used, but the users.
i’ve been waiting all week to see how i would feel when the photos came out, knowing i can’t take it back. i don’t have any regrets about it. yet. and i don’t know if i will or won’t.
in short – this is one of the bravest and most uncomfortable things i’ve done in a while; i think i needed to push that line to see who i really was/am in that respect, and i’ve been processing it for days. any harsh comments will promptly be deleted; i’ve thought enough about it already.
Filed in autobiographical, me myself and i, most linked/commented on | Tagged with feministing | Comments (14)14 Responses to “post script/ramble”
Leave a Reply
You are much braver than I am. Good job cuz. Much nicer than the surgically enhanced bubble-headed ladies by far.
You should be very proud of yourself for several reasons. Society has taught us as women to judge ourselves (and others) on our looks and we are always our toughest critics. As hard as it is to see yourself through someone elses eyes, just know those pics are fabulous and you look amazing. Embrace your beautiful body for what it is….YOURS!! And be proud to have overcome your fears. Many kudos, Amy.
Oh yeah…and LOVE the flaming red hair!
thx kenda. it means a lot from you, since we grew up in the same place at the same time. i think a lot of this has to do with growing up in a conservative atmosphere(as liberal as my parents were about a lot of things, the community is still fairly conservative IMO), and also growing up around what a lot of people would call ‘white trash’, and sort of still having a fear in me of ever being called that. here in SF lots of people are open/alternative and no one really judges you for it. there, a lot of people did.
Something I heard recently seems fitting here. If you always remain in your comfort zone then you aren’t really moving forward, you aren’t challenging yourself. Congratulations on getting out of your comfort zone and growing as a person.
Go you! You look good. Honestly, when I saw the pictures I was expecting more after all that build-up. Most bathing suits show off more. It almost seems to me like you are judging yourself more on what a nice girl is/does than society at large. I can’t believe you were judged. What is there to judge?
Oh wait! I super-stand corrected, duh! I didn’t see the topless pictures. You have super-cute lil boobs!
I was/am super duper impressed, I would truly never have the guts to do that. Though, if I had your body, I *might*. You looked great!
I agree it is very positive to do things outside our comfort zones, things that are scary. Whenever I look back on those experiences, I never feel regret but am always very pleased that I took the risk and at the outcomes.
Wow. I am so happy for you that you got to experience this. People who feel tempted to comment harshly are envious either a) of your beauty or b) of your courage. Love to you!
Vera, you forgot c) jealous of your boyfriend.
amy you looked fantastic up there, both physically and emotionally fit, and you completely rocked it! a force, in moonboots.
ps- i may not be into girls, but your butt in hotpants is the nicest .
i knew before this that it was all in my head, but thank you guys anyway.
you are so beautiful, it brings tears to my eyes.
You look amazing! Confident and beautiful, your words and actions continue to inspire me. In many aspects you define what it means to be a powerful woman. I wish I had your boobs!