love and marriage
with all this gay marriage talk, of course more than a few friends have re-asked the question about why jay and i aren’t married yet, and i’m sure a lot more people are thinking about what marriage means to them, from the Yeson8 people to unmarried straight people like myself who support gay rights. holden @ SF Love Story is also thinking about it, and wrote:
“A while ago, I made a little promise to myself that I would not marry anyone until I had the right to marry who I wanted. That secret turned into a full on refutation of marriage altogether for me, fueled by my parents’ recent divorce after 30+ years. Why get married at all?”
i still feel this way.
jay and i have been together more than 10 years, and people are always asking us why we’re not married, and i’ve blogged about it here and here.
again: of course there are some quixotic personal reasons (when people ask jay why we aren’t married, he answers: “because my girlfriend is weird crazy” (edited after jay said “no, i tell people you’re crazy, not weird.”), but in the end, until marriage is something for everyone, something equal, i see it as a legal situation for a privileged class, not as a sacred and blessed institution of love. i won’t say it means nothing about love, because for other people, it does. for them. i don’t boycott weddings, i don’t admonish my friends for getting married. it’s all very personal, why people do it. just like its very personal why i’m not. i just wish everyone had the choice.
4 Responses to “love and marriage”
Leave a Reply
does that make ME weird for never once asking you that question ….
or maybe I’m just self-absorbed
Don’t sweat it too much, Amy. I was with my hubby for 7 years before we got married and married for 4 years before we decided to start a family. The questions never end. Even after fulfilling everyone elses dreams for us, they then started in on the, “When are you going to have another baby?”. Marriage is seen differently by most people and there are a million reasons to get married and to NOT get married. My brother and his wife went to the courthouse and got “hitched” after being together for almost 8 years. She, being the only girl in her family, was bombarded with the question of why they didn’t have a big blown out wedding/reception. Her answer was, “We didn’t want a wedding, we just wanted to get married.” Whatever you’re reasons are for not getting married, they are personal. Stick to your guns, Amy. You’re a bigger person for doing what YOU feel is right rather than what EVERYONE else thinks/wants.
I have been thinking about this same thing. Someone asked me that question recently and suddenly I was so inarticulate. The question itself just doesn’t make sense to me on some level and feels ridiculous, maybe because I really don’t understand why most people DO want to get married. It feels like someone asking me why I don’t want to spray paint my whole body blue— I really don’t get the question or why someone thinks I should even consider that option.
But, I think I need to develop some sort of short, intelligent response to this question that conveys how I feel about the subject (I like your explanation here and it is one of my reasons), but there are so MANY reasons that I think I would need to give a whole list (ranked in order of importance?!) Actually I like Jay’s answer. I should just come up with some off-the-wall answer like that. Fortunately people don’t ask me very often.
some people ask, and after a short initial response like “because i don’t want to” or “because i don’t believe in it” or “i think marriage is only for people who want to have children”, they say ok and appear to understand and let it go. it’s the people who keep asking “why” and “but don’t you…” that it gets super hard to be articulate when responding. these people get a a “does not compute” look on their face when you try to explain it, and then you start talking in circles.
again: i understand that “getting married” is an act of love and commitment that means a lot to many people. i understand that. i don’t think marriage is total bullshit and everyone should stop. i just don’t think it’s required, and anyway, from my POV, getting married does not REALLY = commitment in this age of divorce anyway. it’s just a legal situation with rights and benefits (as well as responsibilities), and one that should be accessible for everyone who wants it. yes, getting into that legal situation is a huge commitment, and a huge declaration of love and trust. but it isn’t necessary for a commitment of love and trust. see? talking in circles.