dancer dreams
a few months ago ariel reported that she had a dream wherein she was an amazing dancer, but in reality was having trouble living up to her own dream of herself, and i started this blog post in response, because i’ve had that dream. i was the most amazing yogic modern dancer, strong and lithe and moving over the floor like some kind of lightfilled elastic being, both in time to the music yet somehow seemingly effortless. i sometimes still use that dream to visualize movement whenever i’m dancing for performance in front of people. it’s great inspiration to see yourself as you’ve always wanted to be, and even if you think it’s impossible to be that person, to strive toward it, to get as close as possible. perfection is, after all, unattainable.
You can’t wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.
- Jack London
it’s been three months since she had that dream and i started this post, and for some reason i hadn’t wanted to finished it, probably because i haven’t done anything about realizing that dream. i haven’t wanted to really admit that i’m not living up to my own dream of myself. i even had a very explicit conversation about this with a friend not shortly after i started this post, in which he encouraged me to be proactive in taking steps in becoming the person i’ve always dreamed i would/could/should be, and i promised i would and he has tried to goad me forward. yet, somehow, i’m still resistant, and have done none of the things i said i would (might) do that might help me realize the dream of being an amazing dancer. am i scared, or just lazy?
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BUT
i also sort of like being a dilettante. i’ve got my fingers in a lot of pots at the moment, and if i were to take the time and devote myself to just one (like scheduling in time for dance classes), the others would surely suffer. i don’t feel like i’ve found anything just yet that’s worth sacrificing everything else for; that, and i’m already an above average dancer (i can find at least a dozen people to vouch for that statement), so why push it? why not just be happy with my natural ability? i’m far too old to start a career as a dancer, so why bother? but then again, how would i know unless i’ve tried?
“I asked [Phyllis Diller], ‘How do you do so many things?’ And she said, ‘I don’t do anything that isn’t easy. I try things, and if they’re not immediately easy for me, I quit instantly.’ That’s some of the best advice I’ve ever gotten.”
-Penn Gillette
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a couple of weeks ago i went back to the gym and renewed my membership. i was having a bad PMS day, and all i really wanted was to go read all the gossip rags while slowly spinning my legs on the exercise bike, working out some of the physical tension, and then to go sit in the sauna. that’s what i did, telling myself that i’d start out slowly and work my way back up to regular workouts. that was 3 weeks ago. i just went back to the gym again today, and i haven’t been going to yoga either. i have grand plans to start going to the gym in the morning before work; i hear it makes you feel good, but honestly any time i can get myself there 2-3 times a week would be an improvement over the zero times a week i’ve been going.
rambling long story short:
need to get off ass and start having a little discipline. i never want to regret not doing these things. there’s a drop-in modern dance studio in berkeley that has evening classes. i think i should go check it out.
2 Responses to “dancer dreams”
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Hey Amy,
We’ve never met but we have a few mutual friends (Miranda, Vera). I’ve started occasionally reading your site, but I’ve never commented. I wanted to comment on the quote you posted by Phyllis Diller. This is something I’ve been thinking about quite a bit lately, and I’m not sure I agree with her (or at least I think it’s a concept worth thinking about more). Perhaps we can learn a lot by doing things that are not immediately easy for us. For example, I started playing ultimate frisbee about two years ago. This year my team made it to college nationals, and I got to play in some of the games. I had to spend quite a bit of time doing something that was incredibly difficult for me (I’d never really played team sports before, am not naturally aggressive, and have poor hand/eye coordination). It was very frustrating and made even more so by the fact that it came easier to almost everyone else on my team (why they played team sports in the first place). Despite the fact that it continues to frustrate me in many ways (I cried after the last casual pick-up game I played because of how terribly I felt I played!), when I do do something right or have a good game it feels amazing – I can’t even describe the feeling. I love to dance too – and it’s like those few times you dance and you’re just ON and the flow is with you and everything else drops away. I’ve also met many wonderful people and have been forced to grow in ways that I otherwise might not have, because I normally wouldn’t put myself in situations that were so uncomfortable for me. However, sometimes I wonder if my time would have been better spent doing something that does come easily to me. It’s difficult to know that you are competent in other areas of your life and then spend so much time doing something that makes you feel incompetent much of the time. Well, this is pretty long, but I appreciate that you put interesting ideas out there and was inspired to respond.
Ever since I started getting in a couple of good bike rides, my outlook has really adjusted positively. I am alot more patient, alot more reasonable and just all around happier and more content. Blowing off steam by going for a long bike ride through the redwoods works wonders. But boy does it make me tired when I get home. Same for Nande, she gets an excellent workout running with us!
By the way, as much as you do is an inspiration to me. I’m not going to even consider matching your activity level but I am consistently astonished by how much you pack into your days.