intellectual properties

rest in peace

when i was young we lived on a small little farm (chickens goats geese pigs), and when animals got sick or injured, one of two things happened. some, like the cats, would just disappear when they felt like dying, slinking off to the woods to die alone, often before you even realized they were sick. for others, my poor dad would have to work up the heart to shoot the animals quickly and painlessly if they were suffering, as was the case for a couple of deer hit by our cars and at least one kitten that i can remember. living in the city with a housecat it’s all very different, and there was no easy way out.

i was sure Sahar would die in her sleep last night. she was barely able to walk and so weak even meowing was difficult, but she still lightly purred when petted and caressed and seemed to just be content with lying still. we snuggled her into some sheets in one of her favorite sleeping places, underneath a table where it was dark and cool, and i assumed that when i woke this morning she would be still. instead, we woke to find her in her litter box in the kitchen. it hurt me so bad to think that she had crawled her way across the floor and somehow found the strength to pull herself up and into the enclosed box. i don’t know if she was still in there because she couldn’t get out, or if for some reason that was where she wanted to be. her little nose was covered in litter gravel and she barely squeaked out a sound when we approached her. a cat almost 20 years of age and she was still hanging on to her life, stubborn and seemingly unwilling to fade away.

for the past few days, one of the things that has been a very difficult part of this process for me is that i kept thinking of my grandmother and how much she didn’t want to be in the hospital and how she cried when they would try to put tubes or needles in her and she begged to be left alone. this was part of the reason we kept kitty at home, because it was so terrifying for her to leave the house, and i didn’t want her last moments to be spent in fright. as long as she didn’t seem uncomfortable i was willing to let her be.

this morning it was apparent that she was no longer just weak and feeble; she was suffering, and my heart wrenched to think that she might have been better off if we had taken her to the vet yesterday, or the day before, or the day before, or that we had held on to her for our own sakes instead of doing what was best for her. at 9:00 this morning we wrapped her in a pink towel and made the walk to the vet, both of us in tears. me, not so much because i was going to miss her, but because i so wished i could have known better what was best to do up to that point and i was in agony. jay i think was having a very hard time accepting that she was going, and that we would be leaving her frail body behind.

they quickly put us into a treatment room, and the doctor was very straightforward but compassionate. one shot of anesthetic to numb her pain and put her to sleep; one to stop her heart. after the first shot she slowly sank into a limp pile, and we sat for several minutes caressing her and preparing ourselves for the second shot. we had the option of leaving before the final euthanasia, but neither of us could leave the room while her little heart was still beating. it would have felt like we abandoned her, and we wanted to be by her side until she was fully gone, even though she was entirely unaware that we were there.

the second shot was to be administered into a vein, and he shaved the fur off her tiny front right leg. the veins weren’t strong enough, however, and he instead had to inject into what was left of her abdomen fat, leaving her front paw bleeding where the needle had been. seconds after the injection, her rib cage stopped moving and she lay quiet. we stayed for a few minutes, wrapped up her bleeding paw, told her we loved her, covered her thin frame and face with the towel, and walked out, sobbing.

bless her little soul. she lived a long and beautiful life, and i will miss her very much.

Filed in autobiographical, personal favorites | Tagged with cats | Comments (9)